Recovering From Attack

[storagecold]

I have been taking a lot of inventory of my 10+ years with uBPDw lately. I have learned to find my joy where I can and have gotten much better at taking care of myself.

My one troubling issue, however, is I haven't gotten very good at recovering from all of the the verbal abuse. uBPDw will say anything -- and I mean ANYTHING -- when one of her rages is triggered. Take the most hurtful things ever said to you in your life and multiply it by 10 -- that's about what she does on a fairly regular basis.

Not long ago, she said something so hateful to me that left me wondering if she has any limits at all. I'm used to most of the insults and put-downs, but this particular one knocked me senseless for many hours. It wasn't too long before she saunters back in and ask me some offhand, normal question and all I could do to respond was look at her like, ":)o you realize what you just said to me 30 minutes ago?"

Her response to that was, "What's wrong with YOU now?"

I can survive these attacks -- I have proven it to myself hundreds of times over. What I don't know how to deal with is the disingenuous way I feel when I just snap back to being cheery and chipper like nothing ever happened.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi storagecold,

Good that you're taking better care of yourself 

Funny how that can actually be a challenging change to make.

I guess my question for you is whether you want to experience the attacks in the first place? I don't many people who can experience verbal abuse without being affected by it. Words hurt.

Have you tried to head off the attacks and assert a boundary? It's hard to do.

[Lockjaw]

The thing I struggle with here is not necessarily what is said, but that the same kinds of things are said over and over again. After I while its very difficult to remain composed and not bark back.

[storagecold]

Of course, I don't want to experience the attacks. I have none -- zero -- choice for the most part. It just part of life. Too many other people's lives would be destroyed if I were to just up and leave.

The verbal attacks come from nowhere. Lockjaw summed it up pretty well -- the same garbage is said over and over. When I eliminate the source of one complaint, a new one is created to take its place. No reasonable human being can maintain complete composure every minute of every day.

This is the extremely bad time of year. From early November through December (all the holidays) are typically terrible. Last year was insane. I'm just trying to ready myself for what I know is coming.

[ampersandalz]

Not long ago, she said something so hateful to me that left me wondering if she has any limits at all. I'm used to most of the insults and put-downs, but this particular one knocked me senseless for many hours. It wasn't too long before she saunters back in and ask me some offhand, normal question and all I could do to respond was look at her like, ":)o you realize what you just said to me 30 minutes ago?"

Her response to that was, "What's wrong with YOU now?"

This sounds so familiar I can hear it.  It frustrates me in so many ways because it's as if my wife's attacks don't exist after she unleashes them on me -- she'll even comment on things she said or did surrounding it, apologizing in this melodramatic way and making me look like I'm out of my mind for being upset by such things, when in reality she looks at me and says things to me that I can't fathom someone should ever say to a person they proclaim love to.

[Meili]

There are some key tools that can be used to help reduce conflict and thus the attacks. Although, not all attacks are avoidable. When faced with this, it can be helpful to remember that it isn't personal. The pwBPD is really just projecting his/her own emotions outward so as to not have to deal with them. Again, that isn't always effective either. None of us are covered in Teflon!

[livednlearned]

Of course, I don't want to experience the attacks.

You are in a better place than I was. Part of me felt I deserved the attacks  

I had to have a therapist label what was actually happening. It never occurred to me to call it abuse.

It sounds like you know you don't deserve it, and don't want to experience it, and yet feel trapped.

What's the dynamic like when you take steps to take care of yourself? Does she try to sabotage you?

[storagecold]

What's the dynamic like when you take steps to take care of yourself? Does she try to sabotage you?

Her main ploy is hurtful words. There is no limit. Typically, when it gets really bad, I just shut down and go elsewhere. Minutes or hours later, she typically switches back to her "normal" self like nothing ever happened. She NEVER apologizes for anything. That is where my problem with coping lies -- I've just been told what a so-and-so I am and now I'm supposed to act like nothing ever happened.