Almost 1 year since everything fell apart

[RecoveringApryl]

Hi, this is my first post and I would love any support from others who have dealt with or are dealing with a borderline mother.
It's hard to know where to begin. My childhood was different but not terrible. My mom remarried when I was 3. She'd been married twice before and had my older brother from the second marriage and me from a boyfriend that she said wanted her to have an abortion. (I was told this at age 6 after my little brother was born and I started talking about how much I looked like my "new" Dad.) My parents fought a lot. I think I was walking on eggshells most of my childhood hoping I wouldn't make my mother or father rage but it didn't matter. After my mom had a "mental breakdown" when I was 7 I faked a serious mental illness for an entire year. I claimed I heard voices so they sent me to so many drs and hospitals. The guilt was unbearable. Eventually I went back to school but I kept it a secret until I was 32 years old.
There were many incidents in my adulthood but it was when I became pregnant that things really started to seem extremely odd. My mother reached out to her family that we had all been estranged from as children. She started an affair with her first husband. After my first was born she withdrew, started drinking even though she had never drank before and stopped taking her antidepressants. I tried so hard to keep her happy but my dad was transferred to another state and that's when she really began to unravel. After my second was born she had liposuction right before she was going to fly down and meet the new baby. She said she wouldn't be able to hold her or play with my other daughter while she was in town. After her visit she claimed my mother in law was intimidated by her and talked for days about all the compliments she had received.
I flew with my kids ages 3 and the other 9 months. She criticized my oldest the entire time claiming the allergy medicine I was giving her was making her hyper active and hostile. She sent me emails daily while I was staying with her of reports of the effects of said medication. I kept brushing it off but on the day I was to leave she insisted I take her advice because I was in her home and I couldn't get upset . but when I didn't she refused to come to the airport to drop us off.
Foolishly I flew up again with my family last November and after we left the storm came. She was convinced that she saw my husband abusing our children in her home. She threatened to call cps. She emailed and texted my inlaws asking them to ask my oldest if daddy hit them and if daddy hit mommy. I lost it. I was so tired of her abuse and it was effecting my family. I went no contact of January this year. With the holidays approaching I feel guilt, sadness. I'm in therapy and I'm healing but it's such a struggle. Thanks for letting me tell my story.

[Newrites]

I'm brand new too--mother is undiagnosed BPD; diagnosed bipolar "with other things not ruled out" prior to deciding she didn't need a counselor or further evaluation.

We have some commonalities. I'd say my childhood wasn't "terrible" either but it was sometimes hellish and always confusing.  Mom divorced my dad was I was almost 3; she told me he wanted her to have an abortion (just found out that was not true.) She had 5 husbands that I know of, but spent many years when she got mad at me, disappeared and I don't know where she was, so there may have been more. She had violent rages and crazy situations with husbands. She once filed a police report on me that I had threatened to slit her throat while she was sleeping.

She went off her bipolar meds 2.5 years ago and things started going downhill again. She said a neighbor told her she saw my (wonderful, sweet) husband drunk and abusing me. That neighbor is pretty crazy, so who knows where that came from. I worry she will have delusions about me mistreating my teenager (who I have a great relationship with, as far as teens go) or mistreating my elderly Grandmother.

Grandma is on hospice care and mom is her caretaker. I've had to limit contact and may go on no-contact or HIGHLY limited contact after Grandma passes. I feel guilt for not spending time with Grandma now. I tried, but mom was triggering me and bringing me to my knees emotionally. Grandma was the one consistent part of my childhood.

My counselor told me yesterday that she believes I have C-PTSD. So... .I really believe I can say I KNOW what you are going through.

 

[RecoveringApryl]

Thanks so much for writing. It's incredibly relieving to know I'm not alone. I think the delusions are the most frightening aspect of her illness. My mom has been diagnosed with depression and has been on antidepressants on and off most of her adult life. She was in therapy for awhile when I was very young, after her breakdown,but then would go very rarely. When I went no contact with her I asked her to seek out therapy for 6 months and then I would reassess everything. It took her awhile but she's apparently in therapy now and doing well. I just wonder how long it will last. My therapist said that having a relationship with someone with borderline personality disorder is like being on a rollercoaster and that some times are calm others crazy and I have to decide if I want to get back on that roller coaster. I'm still not sure but I know I can't right now.
Do you have great fear of your mom? Do you have any siblings? My brothers weren't effected the way I was as an adult.