Sad and lonely on the drive home

[Depression = 72% of members]

Usually I work from home, but today I went in to the office for some graphic work.  But this job I got through my ex, let's name him E, the one I dated right before my BPD ex.  I did really well all day, but then driving home alone to a big empty house made me incredibly sad.

Not only did things with E go bad, but then I jumped right into a relationship with B. I was so ready for "real love", as E for whatever reason could not express his love for me.  Even when we went to work together at this same job, he couldn't act at all like I was his girlfriend.  That was so painful.  He was always ashamed of me.

Anyways neither of these relationships were very long, 8 and 9 months.  I just feel like I'm broken, and alone. Just a few months ago I had an engagement ring, and hopes of having a quaint and loving home life... .now I got nothing. 

Definitely cried on the way home

[jasmine-1234]

Usually I work from home, but today I went in to the office for some graphic work.  But this job I got through my ex, let's name him E, the one I dated right before my BPD ex.  I did really well all day, but then driving home alone to a big empty house made me incredibly sad.

Not only did things with E go bad, but then I jumped right into a relationship with B. I was so ready for "real love", as E for whatever reason could not express his love for me.  Even when we went to work together at this same job, he couldn't act at all like I was his girlfriend.  That was so painful.  He was always ashamed of me.

Anyways neither of these relationships were very long, 8 and 9 months.  I just feel like I'm broken, and alone. Just a few months ago I had an engagement ring, and hopes of having a quaint and loving home life... .now I got nothing. 

Definitely cried on the way home

[tammym1972]

So sorry to hear that. Just remember that you are not alone. A lot of us are going through the same thing. My life changed dramatically a couple of weeks ago when my live in ex of 4 years kicked me out with a few days notice and is moving in his new girlfriend. I thought we would be together forever too. I'm in a new place now, a place that does not remind me of him at all and it has helped a lot. I don't know if you are in a place where you could or not, but it might help.

[Woods77]

Im in big flat without exBPD as well, ive not heard from her in ages and its been a few months just sat in the house on my own.

Its good youre able to go to work though, Im not. Perhaps you can think about a new start in a new house or get some new nice things, perhaps a pet or just treat yourself. Put the TV on so its not as quiet at home or time the lights to come on before you get in if you can do that with a timer and lamp. Its best for it not to be quiet I guess.

[tammym1972]

Im in big flat without exBPD as well, ive not heard from her in ages and its been a few months just sat in the house on my own.

Its good youre able to go to work though, Im not. Perhaps you can think about a new start in a new house or get some new nice things, perhaps a pet or just treat yourself. Put the TV on so its not as quiet at home or time the lights to come on before you get in if you can do that with a timer and lamp. Its best for it not to be quiet I guess.

Yes, maybe try a new hobby or get out and meet new people. I think getting out and getting your mind off of it would help.

[lovenature]

I just feel like I'm broken, and alone. Just a few months ago I had an engagement ring, and hopes of having a quaint and loving home life... .now I got nothing. 

You have you jasmine, I know the feeling of being lonely, broken, just wanting the unbearable pain to end; the only way we will ever be able to have a healthy relationship with someone is to first have a healthy relationship with ourselves.
I have learned that in a healthy mature relationship, BOTH partners need to care about the others needs and feelings.

[rosesarered777]

Some nights are like what you describe. I do have my three cats here that depend on me, so that is really keeping me going. I try and keep the simple things going too: Tuesday night movies, talking to my parents, talking to some of the few friends I have here in the area {I moved here to be with my BPD ex-gf/wife}.

Fortunately, my lease is almost finished for here but it's almost been 4 months without contact and no family nearby. I have seen my brother and father once each since July-August. Up until July, I was pretty happy living here and everything was great at best and decent at worst. Now that we have separated, it has been a really eye-opening experience. I would never abandon someone the way my wife has with separation and the threat of divorce...

[michel71]

I was sad, lonely, broken, crushed, devastated, etc. etc. DURING the relationship. You might want to ask yourself if you felt that way as well.
Truly when a relationship ends we tend to pine. Completely natural. But try to step outside the pine for a minute and really try to remember the bad times. And there were plenty, right? Did you feel mistreated? Used? Discounted? Didn't that leave you down and depressed for a while? Think about how you couldn't think straight at work or function well. Think about how much you wanted to make up only for it to go south within no time. Rinse and repeat.
Now look at where you are. Yes you are alone but you are in very good company: YOURSELF. Someone to be valued and appreciated. You are totally protected. Nobody can hurt you further. Love yourself. You deserve the focus to be on you now. What YOU need. What you want.
IF somebody left you, they did you a favor. IF you had to leave them, it was likely harder. Either way it sucked.
I am going through this right now. My soon to be exBPD will be moving out in a matter of weeks. I am already relieved and looking forward to spending time with somebody I lost track of: ME!
I get sad and lonely too. And I am sure there is more of that to come. At the end of the day it is about feeling safe and loved. Right now I am the best person for me! And I am okay. And I will be even better when this chapter of my life closes. Maybe poorer. But certainly better.

[jasmine-1234]

Thanks everyone for your reply. I haven't logged on for a week since I worked a lot last week... .which kept me busy and not lonely. But this week I'm home again alone. I did get out yesterday with some friends.

I got one comment from a friend today... .as I haven't told everyone yet we have split up. It was something about how it's so great to have a partner in life for support. He seemed excited I was engaged and something to the effect of Now you have that too! Sent me right back to the low point.

I did talk to some friends in AA about it. It helps a bit. I also found out one of my neighbors is dealing with a BPD girlfriend so it has been great to have a real live person to talk to about it. It was interesting how we discovered it and I actually met this neighbor the day B moved out!