Is it possible to have a heathy relationship w a BPD?

[Duped 1]

Mine didn't engage in physical violence, self mutilation or infidelity but I don't see how anyone could ever truly be happy w her considering the childish behavior, insults, self centeredness, constant criticism and complaining,judgmental and demeaning behavior, random explosions over trivial manners, lack of empathy, never validating partners feelings,blame for everything, gaslighting, never owning her poor behavior, major insecurities, constant chaos and starting fights for no reason, rudeness,constant threads of breakup and then talking marriage soon after, etc.

I can't see how anyone could truly be content with a person like this. Am I wrong?

[Duped 1]

I should also add circular arguments that didn't seem to have any purpose but she wouldn't let them End and would sometimes repeat them the next day, no consideration for my needs after the idealization phase, impatience and extremely unrealistic expectations and almost never apologizing, extreme defensiveness and no ability to withstand any feedback regarding her behavior.

[elfyguy]

In my opinion, no. Even if the non uses perfect coping mechanisms and skills, then there's always that chance when they are not together. A borderline is a bit like an alcoholic and you are their alcohol. When the non is not there then they need to fight off the urge or go with it. To me, there's little to no chance for a relationship with a borderline to succeed; It's doomed from the start.

What they really need to heal is to reflect, not project everything on someone else, which means the non in the relationship is engaging her. A vicious cycle of needing someone else.

[SummerStorm]

If the pwBPD is in therapy and is actually committed to it, then maybe.  Even just maintaining a friendship with one is incredibly difficult.  After two years, I'm no longer being idealized and have been painted black more than once, so I'm in that strange middle space where we are friends, but not great ones.  From what I can tell, pretty much everyone, except the people she sees all the time at work, are in this same place.  She has a friend whom she calls her "sister," a girl she's known for around 6 years or so, and she only ever sees her maybe 2-3 times a year.  To her, everyone is "out of sight, out of mind" until she actually needs them for something.  When her now ex-boyfriend went into rehab for a few weeks in August, she suddenly started wanting to hang out with me and all of her other friends.  As soon as he got out, we were forgotten again.  She broke up with him about a week later and started dating a new guy two days after that, so I really haven't heard from her since then. 

In terms of a romantic relationship, I just don't see it ever being a happy, healthy one, especially considering that the non will also need to be committed to using SET and other strategies.  Not everyone is willing to even try to do that, and I don't blame them.  It's exhausting. 

[DazedandConfus3d]

In terms of a romantic relationship, I just don't see it ever being a happy, healthy one, especially considering that the non will also need to be committed to using SET and other strategies.  Not everyone is willing to even try to do that, and I don't blame them.  It's exhausting. 

SET?

[SummerStorm]

SET?

SET = Support, Empathy, and Truth

It's a communication technique that was developed to use with pwBPD, but it is a useful communication technique in general.  I'm a teacher and have found ways to use it. 

[DazedandConfus3d]

Hey Summerstorm,

thanks!  Hmmm, interesting stuff- I know I tried a bunch of stuff like this with my ex, but I'm honestly not sure how well it worked.

[Newrites]

I'm glad you asked this question.

I am wondering the same, and I just can't see how... .at least, not a deep relationship.

I believe I read on this site or another that encouraging others or applauding those who leave a BPD relationship is not allowed (?)

It probably depends on the degree of the BPD, your degree of healthiness, and whether the person is getting any help at all. For example, my mother, when diagnosed with bipolar, became much easier to deal with because she was numbed by the medicines. She was still a little odd, but definitely she became someone I could deal with on a rational level. (But she's off that now... .)

Good luck... .

[Pretty Woman]

I don't think so.  Like Summer Storm mentioned unless they are in extensive therapy which many can't stick out, they aren't healthy, even as friends.

If my ex wanted to be friends I couldn't do it.  I wouldn't want someone to just disappear on me and reappear as they please, that's NOT being a friend.

[SummerStorm]

Hey Summerstorm,

thanks!  Hmmm, interesting stuff- I know I tried a bunch of stuff like this with my ex, but I'm honestly not sure how well it worked.

From what I've read, it takes a lot of practice because pwBPD can often see through it and almost see it as you trying to manipulate them.  In other words, they know that it's a communication technique that's being used on them, especially if it is used often.  If one of my parents had BPD, I would spend the time to practice it and learn how to use it, but I honestly don't have the patience to practice it for someone I rarely talk to. 

[bus boy]

Hi Duped 1, good topic. Your post is a carbon copy of my xw. I tried everything humanly possible to make it work and everything failed. I don't think it's possible to have a healthy r/s with an npd/BPD person. Even after they ruthlessly discard you and start a new r/s they don't stop hurting you.

[DazedandConfus3d]

Hi Duped 1, good topic. Your post is a carbon copy of my xw. I tried everything humanly possible to make it work and everything failed. I don't think it's possible to have a healthy r/s with an npd/BPD person. Even after they ruthlessly discard you and start a new r/s they don't stop hurting you.

To me you need to be able to trust someone you have a romantic relationship with- pwBPD just lie so damn much that trusting them is foolish.

I'm not placing a value judgement on people living with this disorder, simply stating that unless you are prepared to constantly  push back your boundaries, call them on their lies in a constructive way, and operate with the full knowledge that they may screw you over at any moment, you're not prepared to have a relationship with a person like this.

I know I'm not again

[CooperD]

To echo 'bus boy' in the case of my BPD I don't believe there is anything I could have done to make a happy and healthy realtionship with her. 

As soon as she had devalued me / got her knifes out for me there was quite literally nothing I could do.  I tried everything (travelling 6000 miles to marry her with no family/friends there) (paying her very expensive VISA to move here) (buying the apartment she wanted to live in which has almost crippled me financially) (tolerating her being physically violent towards me). But her attacks became even more ferocious.

I paid hundreds on food for her last christmas time (expensive meals out / best supermarkets) = she told people I was starving her.  She actually used the word starve !

I paid all the electricity and had expensive heaters installed to help her not feel cold = She told people I was freezing her and that I had caused her to develop frost nip on her toes.

I can laugh now when I think back about the starving comment and freezing coment as they are so beyond ridiculous to any sane and rational human being. 

When I tried to show my commitment to helping our relationship by attending counselling sessions she simply used them as ways of attacking me to try to get the support of the counsellors against me.  Everyone of the counsellors listened and challenged her behaviour.  When the local priest did this he was accused by my BPD of being homosexual and that he was only taking my side because he wanted to "f.ck me".

My BPD early in the relationship said to me " why couldnt you have been a virgin when we met and then I could have taken your virginity " and that should have set a big alarm bell as in hindsight it showed me that she wanted her knight in shining armour to be completely unblemished - an empty vessel that would do nothing other than please her.

An impossible expectation to live with and for me as soon as i was removed from that imaginary pedestal she was I believe deliberately out to destroy me.  She said she wanted it to work and us to healthy but her ACTIONS/WORDS made that completely impossible.
 

[RippedTorn]

I believe one of the critical components of a lasting relationship is kindness. Most marriages break up not because people fall out of love, but because one partner becomes unkind due to selfishness and that starts a cycle of friction, anger, bitterness or even vindictive behavior. Borderlines cannot remain kind. Their behavior if anything is the opposite. They are horribly unkind - the splitting, name calling, raging, cheating, lying, etc. I asked my exBPD to try and be kind. She understood my request but her fears were too strong to enable her to meet this simple request.

[DazedandConfus3d]

I believe one of the critical components of a lasting relationship is kindness. Most marriages break up not because people fall out of love, but because one partner becomes unkind due to selfishness and that starts a cycle of friction, anger, bitterness or even vindictive behavior. Borderlines cannot remain kind. Their behavior if anything is the opposite. They are horribly unkind - the splitting, name calling, raging, cheating, lying, etc. I asked my exBPD to try and be kind. She understood my request but her fears were too strong to enable her to meet this simple request.

That makes me kind of sad for my ex and everyone else living with this disorder    


Having a kind heart is the only way love really works.

Anger I understand- everyone gets angry and says or does stuff they aren't proud of afterwards, but to be cruel just to be cruel... .man I just don't get that.  

One of the things that led me to break up with my ex was when she said something while we were both stoned to the effect that it was funny to be cruel.  I looked at her then and there must have been something like revulsion on my face because she backed off that statement as fast as she could.  But it stuck with me and 2 weeks later I broke up with her.

A week after that I got ambushed on the way to her place and had 3 bones in my face broken, so that tells you something, huh?

[once removed]

i think when asking this question, its important to keep a few things in mind:

1. most of our partners are subclinical - very difficult people, but subclinical as far as personality disorders go
2. a hallmark of a "BPD relationship" is emotional immaturity in both partners
3. we tend to mate with our emotional equals

with regard to SET, communication breakdown was a major issue for most of us in these relationships.

to be certain, i never had the degree of difficulty communicating with anyone that i had with my ex. but in retrospect, years later, i see that most of my efforts did make the situation worse, and that i had a lot of room for improvement with my communication in general. its amazing how inadvertently invalidating the general populous can be.

is it possible to have a healthy relationship with a person with BPD? as has been said, that answer depends on many, many variables. personally there were steps i could have taken that would have eased the stress on my end, and improved communication within my relationship. that would not necessarily have made the relationship either fulfilling or healthy. simply, my ex and i were ultimately not a good fit.

having determined that i had to ask myself if i was a healthy person to be with, and whether it was possible for someone to have a healthy relationship with me. in lots of ways i was. in lots of ways i had/have a lot of room for improvement.

in other words: it may well be true that theres nothing we could have done to improve the relationship to any degree whatsoever. but i caution in making BPD itself responsible for the relationship breakdown. if that were the case, wed have nothing to learn, and nothing to take to future, healthy relationships. learn. use what you learn.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/characteristics-healthy-relationships

[DazedandConfus3d]

3. we tend to mate with our emotional equals

having determined that i had to ask myself if i was a healthy person to be with, and whether it was possible for someone to have a healthy relationship with me. in lots of ways i was. in lots of ways i had/have a lot of room for improvement.

in other words: it may well be true that theres nothing we could have done to improve the relationship to any degree whatsoever. but i caution in making BPD itself responsible for the relationship breakdown. if that were the case, wed have nothing to learn, and nothing to take to future, healthy relationships. learn. use what you learn.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/characteristics-healthy-relationships

This!

I'm definitely a caregiver and peacemaker, but I'm also drawn to party and have fun and let tomorrow's worries worry tomorrow.

A little of that isn't a bad thing, but... .

[woundedPhoenix]

I will split the question in two :-)

Is a relationship with a BPD possible?

Yes, for someone who can master and manipulate the waves of Abandonment Fears and Engulfment Fears like a seasoned captain, who sets up his own forms of triangulation, enjoys all the cheating, lies and mindgames, and who has an unsinkeable ego that NEVER drops its guard. Unfortunately, those people ussually have PD traits themselves... .

Is a healthy relationship possible?

No, because whereas an ideal relationship is based on intimacy, trust and support for eachothers growth, the BPD only simulates intimacy if they don't skillfully reject it, has no trust, is not to be trusted and literally sabotages growth of a partner as it triggers abandonment fears due to a partners growing independance.


Just trying to buy a birthday gift for my BPDex was impossible, a test one would never pass. Either the gift was not personal enough, or it was not showing enough how much i loved her, or it was too cheap or too expensive, or she even got angry that i bought a gift. Or she gave the earrings i bought for her... .to my ex ) And if i didn't buy a gift, i fell in the trap too. She just couldn't see whatever gift as a token of love, it always was a sign that i didn't love her (enough). And the sad truth is that we both felt rejected everytime.

In the end it's this dynamic that broke down the relationship... .on a much wider scale... .

[Skyglass]

I don't think one can be content with a romantic r/s or friendship that does the things you mentioned. My ex pwBPD did not self-mutilate, get physically violent toward me, or cheat (that I know of), but just because they did not do those things with BPD, everything else you mention was exactly the same way - and I now recognize it as emotional abuse. When I used SET as well as tried many positive communication skills that have been published in books and the like, my ex was able to see through and around those techniques and skill sets. He would then turn it around on me and I began walking on even more eggshells with anything I said or did positively. Over time, it was exhausting, tiring, disheartening and just a no-win situation.