An overwhelming situation with few avenues left...

[Pedros28]

Hi there, this is the first time i have ever done anything like this but felt the need to do something, I have been on the BPDF website and found it helpful. 

I have been married to my wife for 24 years and together for 26, we have three children who's ages range from 18-28, I love her very much but over the last 6/7 years we have been having very difficult relationship problems.  I would say our relationship has always been fairly volatile (and now I realise why) but there have been times where we have managed things very well, the children have all grown up well and we are both very proud of them, I would go as far as to say we make a fairly good team.

As I look back now I realise that some of the volatility in the early years, when we were not getting on was very possibly born out of immaturity, certainly on my part as I am younger than my wife.   My wife has never really been very open or direct and mostly has always preferred for me take the lead or the bulk of the responsibilities, which I don't mind, but would like her to sometimes stand up and be counted.  Because of her unwillingness to be open and sometimes intimate I was always left guessing what she was thinking, in fact I would probably describe her as closed. 

The volatility seemed to always stem from angry outbursts which were always after the event of any transgression or argument and were completely spiteful and vile.  For example she wouldn't say much or say how she felt or how I'd made her feel but would normally just sulk.  After some time to cool down I would eventually try and talk to her in an attempt to try and put the issue behind us so we could move forward, but this would always be met with a distortion of what actually happened, personal insults, castigating my family, assuming my motives, and telling me what I was thinking etc etc.  As I have alluded to previously, for a long time I fought these outbursts fire with fire but this just gave her the excuse and qualified her comments.  My immaturity and sense of being wronged, when after all I loved her so much and had positive motives, used to send me into a rage but then I was the bad guy and the one who did the apologising.  I consider myself a reasonable communicator and listener, but its hard to reason with someone who distorts the facts.

It got to the point where I sat down with my wife 7 years ago and told her how unhappy i was with the relationship and considered that we should perhaps get some professional help.  This suggestion ended in an argument and basically her informing me that she would not do that and I was the sole cause of our problems.  I couldn't make her go so I went alone to firstly help with my feeling of helplessness and to see if it really was me causing the problems between us.  I was able to get my wife to a therapy session but the therapist suggested that she would need to see my wife alone before we did any therapy as a couple, alas my wife went once and never returned.  The therapist suggested that my wife might have had narcissistic tendencies and that in her experience are extremely difficult to live with and should perhaps consider leaving.  I was absolutely gutted and the thought of having to decide to leave was something I didn't want to contemplate.

I tried to encourage my wife to go again but this was definitely not going to happen, eventually I filed for divorce.  This was the last resort and didn't want to do this but thought if she is ever going to get a moment of clarity then this might be it, well initially it wasn't she was in an absolute rage for weeks.  Eventually, we spoke to family and friends and my wife agreed to go to another therapist, recommended to her, this was on the basis that I get 'my' anger under control and postpone the divorce.  I knew I didn't have an anger problem but agreed to do whatever was recommended by the therapist, I just wanted to see if she could be helped.  Couples therapy was difficult as she became very volatile in the sessions and often made it very difficult for the therapist, but long story short the therapist suggested that he needed to do some work with her alone, until very recently she has sworn this was to help her learn how to live with me and get a voice, again seeing me as the main reason for our problems. 

Unfortunately, she only went two or three times after this and then just stopped attending the sessions, this scenario has occurred on two other separate occasions over the last four years where we have hit rocky ground, each time she swore she would never go back but after many long discussions gave it another go.  Its also important to add that throughout all of this time the second therapist had never 'labelled' her, well certainly not to me.  However, most recently we had a forth attempt for some help from the same therapist, but to my utter astonishment the therapist basically told her, after her outpouring of scorn for me, that she needed DBT and suggested that she find another therapist, perhaps a female who can help with BPD issues.  She complained that therapy didn't work for her, his response was it may well have worked had you turned up to the sessions.

The situation is now that I have spoken to her and her friend who recommended the second therapist to see if she knew anyone with DBT experience, alas my wife has gone into another rage and basically cut off this person and does no longer wish to discuss her/our issues with her.  She has told me she is speaking to someone else for a recommendation and they are apparently looking for a therapist for her, but I don't hold out much hope at all.  The problem is I don't believe her and now feel as if i'm just really wasting my time.  After she was diagnosed for needing DBT her immediate response was that she wanted to separate and end the relationship, the fact that she says this instead of dealing with the issue in my opinion speaks volumes.

I think I might be trying too hard now and its beginning to consume me and affecting my health and wellbeing, but a solution or at least help seems so so close, I feel so helpless.  Is it time to call it a day or do I have any other option or strategies I could consider?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

It does sound like you have been trying really hard for a long time. My position is that as long as you have hope, there is hope.

One of the first things that you need to do though is give up on the idea of your wife getting into therapy; at least give it up for now. You should concentrate on the only thing that you can control, and that is yourself. Just in case you have not noticed yet, there are some links in the sidebar to the right that give you a great place to start.

I noticed that you said that in the past you used to argue. What have you been doing lately when she becomes emotionally aroused?

[Pedros28]

Thank you for the kind response, I do keep some hope but to be honest am running out of steam... .

In terms of how I deal with arguments now, on the basis I have had some counselling/therapy over the last 6 years I believe I have become more aware of the patterns, but during the early times in this period I still allowed my buttons to be pressed and reacted wrongly but the more it went on I realised that (and genuinely hope) my wife doesn't actually understand what damage she is causing with her destructive thought process and angry outbursts.  I have only been going to a therapist for coping strategies and to help me in the very low times, I have been told that I don't really need therapy but do have difficulty coping at times, the alternative might be me reacting and I really don't want to go down that road now.  

I've really tried hard to understand and deal with matters as sensitively as I can, the irony is my wife's favourite slur is that she thinks I think I'm a counsellor and mocks me for the period of time I have attended sessions over the last few years.  I really wouldn't mind but it hasn't been very many but just over a good period of time, the most upsetting thing is she doesn't understand nor consider I am doing it to keep our marriage together!

Having searched your website I realise that I may have been 'feeding' her habit by defending myself and going over my side of the story time and time again, trying to convince her that she's made stories up and distorted the truth and my motives.  This has often led me to despair and so then find myself talking over her but (mainly to try and put a stop to the abuse and settle things) this unfortunately gives her the ability to say she hasn't got a voice etc.  

I do take the insults and verbal abuse personally and they hurt me a lot, so much so it takes me some considerable time to recover, so I then tend to retreat and keep out of her way and try not to engage too much, the thing is I don't really get away because its whirring and eating away in my mind.  Added to this it also makes matters worst because she doesn't like me retreating but because I'm still emotionally injured I struggle to be close to her when she has calmed down and appears to want to make amends, I'm always so wary and feel I need time to recover and trust her again.

Because I take the accusations, insults and slurs so personally I find it difficult to listen with empathy without passing judgement or defending myself, although I try extremely hard to be reasonable when doing this but guess this causes invalidation of her in some way, even though such is really in her mind.  Its never a direct two way conversation with respect and reasonableness she just cannot be at fault or consider others feelings.