Star Island
Fewer than 3 Posts
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1
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« on: November 25, 2016, 10:51:43 PM » |
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Hi. I'm totally new to this website. My husband and I have been married for 23 years and were living together for four years before that. We are in our mid-fifties now. I knew from the time he was in his twenties that he had a problem with depression. I was young and naive back then and was clueless about the complexities of his behavior, as well as my own. I had issues with codependence, abandonment, and had been a victim of childhood sexual abuse. When we first got to know each other, I was drawn to his artistic, sensitive, soft spoken nature. He seemed to feel things very deeply. I was totally intoxicated by his good looks, intelligence, musical talent, passion and intensity. After a tumultuous courtship that was on again, off again, (I'm condensing this a lot) we moved in together. I had some reproductive health issues so it was imperative that we consider starting a family if it was ever going to happen. We had three awesome, healthy children. My husband was still dealing with his depression, but it wasn't long before he began having episodes of irrational anger. He was never physically violent, none the less, it was incredibly stressful. We raised our family amidst the chaos. Years went by and we all learned how to tread lightly around ":)ad's frequently changing moods." I developed a frightening and distressing case of inflammatory bowel disease, which I now realize was from the constant stress, over-work and never being able to relax. The kids got older and we learned how to adapt. We even developed a kind of humor around the whole dynamic as a way of coping with the craziness. Fast forwarding to about 5 years ago, the kids grew up and are surprisingly well adjusted. I came across Randi Kreger's book, "Stop Walking on Eggshells." It was a mind blower for me because as I read that book I felt like I finally had an explanation for literally the past 20 years of our lives! It was like someone actually understood what was happening. By this time, my husband and I were around 50 and his anger and depression issues had diminished considerably. Over the years he did seek help through psychotherapy and was prescribed antidepressants, which he took for 5 years before he decided he could no longer tolerate the side effects. A couple years ago he discovered "Tapping" (EFT), which seemed to help. Then he started listening to Abraham Hicks and the Law of Attraction. He began to completely immerse himself in all the Law of Attraction literature and became pretty entrenched in it. That's when he became "superior." He has always had tendencies toward narcissism as well, but the last couple years the scale has significantly tipped more into NPD territory. He's like a covert, high functioning narcissist. Lacks empathy, has an exaggerated sense of accomplishment (as an artist), waivers between self-loathing and arrogance, either loves me intensely or devalues and ignores me, is a consummate victim, seldom takes responsibility for anything, manipulates, intimidates and gaslights. He'll rail against any attempt at setting boundaries like Linda Blair getting sprinkled with holy water in The Exorcist. As I stated earlier, he's a very intelligent and talented man who gets in his own way most of the time, and this makes it very difficult to maintain sanity because you can feel like you're playing this ongoing high-stakes chess match... .and your opponent is very cunning. His manipulations can be very subtle and I find I have to be careful what I divulge because he knows how to use his knowledge of me to his advantage. I say he's high-functioning because although I think there have been people who have suspected something was a little off, most people don't know this side of his personality. Unless he is under a lot of stress and has reached a breaking point, he knows what to say and how to behave "normally" outside of our private home life. I found a good therapist last year and it has helped me immensely. I've experienced a lot of success in a career I embarked on about 12 years ago, which interestingly enough is a form of alternative therapy, and that, along with dietary changes, and personal growth has greatly impacted my health for the better. I seldom have any problems with IBD and if I do, its minimal. In fact, my gastro doctor says he doesn't believe I had IBD, he feels it was all anxiety induced. I agree. Here's the thing. My husband and I have been together a long time. We've both changed considerably through the years. He's not as volatile as he used to be, but his disposition has morphed into this other thing. Mix some midlife crisis in with it and this is what we have. He has moments of sweetness, even clarity, but if he allows it to be revealed, you can also sense his sadness, unworthiness, his torment. He pivots between depression and arrogance now, and does his best to keep this hidden. He says since he's found the Law of Attraction and has embraced the idea that we are all manifestations of God and therefore the center of our own universe, making us all-powerful in our own lives, he's happy. He has decided he is going to generate tremendous wealth as a successful songwriter and through the Law of Attraction, he will create this reality. I carried a lot of resentment for many years over this stuff, but now its given way to something else. My therapist told me all this is just a front, masking a total lack of self-esteem. I have the impression it would be too painful for him to come face to face with his actual self. He simply couldn't bear it. :)oes this resonate with anyone? Has anyone experienced anything remotely like this?ß
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