Mirroring someone else?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So it dawned on me this morning that my wife is mirroring her ex.  She's always done this by trying to recreate the things she had while in their relationship that lasted 10 years.  My wife is uBPD, but textbook and it was my counselor that pointed it out.  We've been together 7, currently in the same home but not really together right now due to a rage incident last week over what she said was "not being able to handle all of the kids (so I must make you pay)".  Incidentally all of the kids are still here in the house so why she is able to handle it now makes no sense, but that's how BPD works for her.  

About 6 weeks ago, she was in dysregulation about reason I don't even remember anymore, and raised her fist to me three times.  I shoved her back.  THe next day, she smacked the crap out of me in front of her kid and my two kids.  I left for a shelter and we had NC for 10 days and pressed charges. When I went back for my things she had left a note wanting to talk, so we did, and sucked back in I went.

I often wonder since then if she only brought me back to get the charges dropped.  And I did... .I wrote a letter to the DA asking that they not pursue charges against her because we both started counseling and things seems to be going ok that first two weeks.  After that, she started to be rude to me and would only improve the day I was going to counseling.  

Since then, her kids have told her their other mother is now dating someone new.  I knew this bothered my wife, she even said so.  It dawned on me this morning that our entire relationship, my wife has mirrored her ex's life (and mine too to a certain extent until the discard phases).  She was always trying to recreate what she had there with things.  Sometimes even within the relationship.  Her ex lives right down the street, wife has always called her often, always looking for her approval which she never gets.  Now that the ex has a new girlfriend (she was with someone else off and on these last 8 years but broke up over the summer, and whenever they broke up, my wife would discard me), I've been discarded and my wife is priming her EMPLOYEE.  I've known this woman for a number of years, longer than my wife has.  I know that she's been in abusive relationships, and has low self esteem.  When it came up that she needed a new job a couple years back, my wife offered her one.  They text each other frequently.  Lately, my wife has been going to this woman's house and today is supposed to go because my wife wants to take care of this woman's feet (yes, you read that right.  Wife is taking care of EMPLOYEES feet, and clearly they both have boundary issues).  I know this because i saw the text.  However when I asked my wife what she was doing today, she conveniently left this part of her plans out.

My wife likes the newness of things and to feel like a hero.  No doubt she is priming this woman.  I have no idea what the intentions are of the woman, though.  Wife isn't getting her "need" to be "needed" met here at home at the moment and is seeking it from this woman.  It makes me sick.  

I have counseling again on Tuesday.  I'm not telling my wife this because I can't take the niceness she throws just so it seems like things are ok when they are not.  I'm really angry these days.  I feel like I've been duped by the biggest douche in the world.  

[Tosquinha]

So it dawned on me this morning that my wife is mirroring her ex.  She's always done this by trying to recreate the things she had while in their relationship that lasted 10 years.  My wife is uBPD, but textbook and it was my counselor that pointed it out.  We've been together 7, currently in the same home but not really together right now due to a rage incident last week over what she said was "not being able to handle all of the kids (so I must make you pay)".  Incidentally all of the kids are still here in the house so why she is able to handle it now makes no sense, but that's how BPD works for her.  

About 6 weeks ago, she was in dysregulation about reason I don't even remember anymore, and raised her fist to me three times.  I shoved her back.  THe next day, she smacked the crap out of me in front of her kid and my two kids.  I left for a shelter and we had NC for 10 days and pressed charges. When I went back for my things she had left a note wanting to talk, so we did, and sucked back in I went.

I often wonder since then if she only brought me back to get the charges dropped.  And I did... .I wrote a letter to the DA asking that they not pursue charges against her because we both started counseling and things seems to be going ok that first two weeks.  After that, she started to be rude to me and would only improve the day I was going to counseling.  

Since then, her kids have told her their other mother is now dating someone new.  I knew this bothered my wife, she even said so.  It dawned on me this morning that our entire relationship, my wife has mirrored her ex's life (and mine too to a certain extent until the discard phases).  She was always trying to recreate what she had there with things.  Sometimes even within the relationship.  Her ex lives right down the street, wife has always called her often, always looking for her approval which she never gets.  Now that the ex has a new girlfriend (she was with someone else off and on these last 8 years but broke up over the summer, and whenever they broke up, my wife would discard me), I've been discarded and my wife is priming her EMPLOYEE.  I've known this woman for a number of years, longer than my wife has.  I know that she's been in abusive relationships, and has low self esteem.  When it came up that she needed a new job a couple years back, my wife offered her one.  They text each other frequently.  Lately, my wife has been going to this woman's house and today is supposed to go because my wife wants to take care of this woman's feet (yes, you read that right.  Wife is taking care of EMPLOYEES feet, and clearly they both have boundary issues).  I know this because i saw the text.  However when I asked my wife what she was doing today, she conveniently left this part of her plans out.

My wife likes the newness of things and to feel like a hero.  No doubt she is priming this woman.  I have no idea what the intentions are of the woman, though.  Wife isn't getting her "need" to be "needed" met here at home at the moment and is seeking it from this woman.  It makes me sick.  

I have counseling again on Tuesday.  I'm not telling my wife this because I can't take the niceness she throws just so it seems like things are ok when they are not.  I'm really angry these days.  I feel like I've been duped by the biggest douche in the world.  

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Tosquinha-

And welcome!  That's a whole lot going on for you, although it's good you pressed charges for the domestic violence and are seeing a counselor, those are good moves.  And we've all been there to some degree or another, and we understand.

Do you know what the goal is?  You mention you're living together with kids, and you had been in a shelter for a short time but went back.  Are you going to end the relationship or are you committed to it and to working out the issues?