What do you know about who you are?

[JerryRG]

Laying here, can't sleep

I've been asking a lot of people about some very specific things and the main themes are:

1. What was my relationship with my exgf really about

2. Am I a good father, do I actually have the necessary skills to raise my son to be a healthy child

3. What are my issues, my problems, what areas of my life are not well or healthy.

The truth is I do not believe I am a good father and when I hear I am, it rarely sinks in and I don't accept that I am and continue to struggle with guilt.

It's as if I have a mental block that keeps me from just accepting certain facts about myself and my behaviours.

No matter how much anyone tries to convince me anything, I am the one who ultimately decides who and what I am.

Even when I'm wrong and may be judging myself incorrectly, I still only listen to myself.

Why would I keep asking others opinions if I don't listen or respect their opinions anyway?

And why would I only trust my opinions when relying on my beliefs alone has brought me so much trouble, the relationship with my exgf would be just one example.

I can be and offen am my own worst enemy, so why listen to myself if I'm wrong? And then refuse to believe those who know so much more and who's opinions may be right?

I do not understand myself, who I am or why I think the way I do. I know I sometimes believe my exgf wasn't the one who was sick and I'm projecting myself onto her, then I flip back and forth. She's crazy, I'm crazy.

This cycle continues until I'm wore out.

Could it be family of origin issues? Did I completely lose trust in others after living with unhealthy people and now I don't trust what people say about me?

So codependent that I've lost who I truly am? Making choices based on what others believe?

It's as if I loose track of who I am when I switch into character to put others first, they are more important.

The only problem with martyrs is they are not truly givers, they are simply angry manipulators, hiding their true intention.

All I want is truth

Who I am
Why I make the choices I make
How can I be a better man

Yet, do I not still do and behave the same as always?

The horrible thing about abuse is the layers of protection that the person abused wrap themselves in do indeed protect them from the immediate harm only to later on have to be removed, layer by layer.

When all the while, those not exposed live their lives in the freedom of who they were born to be, those who were, abused, neglected, and harmed, especially as children, carry the weight and discomfort of the layers and underlying scares that keep them from seeing their true selves, the beauty of what they were, right from the very beginning of their lives.

Their simple existence is a gift to this world.

That is what my children are to me

So, why can't I see the same, when I look into a mirror?

Where does this unreal, harsh and false judgement come from that allows others to be loved simply because they are alive yet I cannot be loved in the same manner?

So I hate my exgf for not loving me, or respecting me, knowing how sick she is/was and yet I judge her.

I have a lot to work on.

[C.Stein]

Jerry,

Opinions are a dime a dozen and everyone has one (or more).  I have always felt it is important to gather opinions from others, especially those who are "wiser".  I don't gather opinions in order to avoid making my own choices, or to define who I am.  I gather them in order to learn, to see things through others eyes, things I may not be seeing myself.  I then take all the opinions and use them to make the most informed decisions and choices I can make for myself.

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what other people think about you.  What matters is what you think of yourself.  If there is something you don't like about yourself, you and only you have the power to change that.

[JerryRG]

Thank you C. Stein

I believe I've been codependent for so long and being in this relationship evaporated most if not all my self confidence.

I do agree with you, gather information but the actions and choices I take from that point ultimately are my responsibility.

[C.Stein]

I do agree with you, gather information but the actions and choices I take from that point ultimately are my responsibility.

Yes they are.  Sometimes people will look to others in order to make decisions for them.  This is an all too easy trap to fall into and it can lead to a person avoiding taking responsibility for their lives and decisions they make.  Beware of this trap.

[FallBack!Monster]

 JerryRG,
  Not sure what made me log in this am. But these words did something for me.

In ref to what you think about yourself and what others think... .
  There is no quintessential book of life. if there was one who is to say it would be quintessential.  it would have to be written by a person with their own opinions and perspective. We are all just doing the best we can.  I myself have recently found flaws in character I didn't know I had. Not just bc of my exgf but bc i thought i was better than that. it makes me feel weak at times.  But then i come to and realize that we are all just doing the best we can.

I hate my exgf for not loving me, or respecting me, knowing how sick she is/was and yet I judge her.

I said the same words a few months back.  But I knew I had to get to a point where I forgave myself for judging her and feeling that I failed myself for not accepting that I to had imperfections.

its okay to not be perfect and its okay to not always know what to do.  Thats what i'm telling myself these days.

[purekalm]

Hello JerryRG,

I know it's been a minute, but I'd like to reply.

I think, like me, somewhere inside yourself you know the answers to all these questions. I did the same. I sought validation and at times I wanted for people to be more harsh to me because I believed I wasn't good enough and I deserved it for letting things go on so long and all my son had to go through because of it.

The back and forth and craziness is a period in time like everything else. It does pass, but you have to work at it. You have to continually redirect your mind onto truths and facts until you can see it all in the light for what it really is. I was doing the same thing, and I felt like I was going crazy. It's literally a detox like a drug, because they are extremely toxic people by the end. Yes, we helped it along knowing and unknowingly, but we can work on accepting our part and facing reality. My son and me were a mess for the first month and a half and I wasn't sure if I was going to make it. I just wanted to scream, or cry or who knows what? I was all over the place and I thought it must've been me because of it. But, it wasn't. Things have calmed down and yes I still have bad days, but no longer the stuff that kept me up and stuck and unsure of everything.

For me, I relied heavily on God. I've spent a lot of time grieving and angry and asking questions and it's helped so much to pour out my soul to Him and learn to let it all go. I'm currently in a pretty clear and level headed state of mind that I didn't think I would ever come back to. I forgot who I was. I let him beat me down to nothing, and that's my fault as well as his. When your mind and heart start to clear you'll see it all differently and be able to start feeling like yourself.

I know, who are you? Well, can you remember who you were before the relationship? Anything you liked to do? Your personality? Maybe, instead of asking the questions that make you go crazy, ask this, Is there any videos or photos of me before her? What was I like before? Do your best not to compare but to listen and even if you don't accept the answers immediately, keep them in your mind and mull them over. Try to remember yourself. You haven't lost yourself, just repressed yourself. Slowly, baby step by baby step, you'll come out of the fog and see the sunlight and you'll be able to smile and not feel guilty. To look at your children and know that you may not do everything right but you love them dearly and do everything you can to be a good father. Learn to love yourself again and accept that it's ok to have faults, we all do.

I believe you'll come out the other side and I pray that God will lead your heart as you journey through.   Hang in there JerryRg, a new journey awaits you. 

Sincerely,

Purekalm