Hope he's reading the responses to this and gets help.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Just found out my BPD/ND H hacked into this site and has read all my posts. Don't know how he found it. Don't know how he knew what my screen name is.

Told me his (emotionally abusive(my words here) behaviors were a result of reading the posts about him and how negative I see him. I responded, I wouldn't be posting if the things that were happening if they weren't happening. It was all honest and true.

I needed support somewhere in my life. And again he takes no responsibility for the actions. At the end of the day its all on me. My fault for the abuse inflicted on me. My fault for the negative behaviors. Funny because the posts happened after the behaviors occurred.

He told me "find someone else to blame and treat like the enemy. Doesn't matter what i do. Im still making you miserable."   

Hope he's reading the responses to this and gets help.

[Thread]

Just found out my BPD/ND H hacked into this site and has read all my posts. Don't know how he found it. Don't know how he knew what my screen name is.

Told me his (emotionally abusive(my words here) behaviors were a result of reading the posts about him and how negative I see him. I responded, I wouldn't be posting if the things that were happening if they weren't happening. It was all honest and true.

I needed support somewhere in my life. And again he takes no responsibility for the actions. At the end of the day its all on me. My fault for the abuse inflicted on me. My fault for the negative behaviors. Funny because the posts happened after the behaviors occurred.

He told me "find someone else to blame and treat like the enemy. Doesn't matter what i do. Im still making you miserable."   

Hope he's reading the responses to this and gets help.

[sweet tooth]

Do you share a computer? He might have found it in the History.

[Thread]

We do, but I use my phone mostly havent used the computer in over a year for it. Also dont know how hed figure out my screen name I did a good job at logging out each time.

Hes using this as a reason for his bad behavior and how awesome he was to stay with me knowing I posted negative things about him on here. His therapist has him record their conversations and I've had every opportunity to listen if I wanted, but didnt because those sessions are private.

[sad but wiser]

Dear Thread,
He isn't awesome.  You never posted his real name or yours and the stories are so similar, no one would guess without inside info.  But he may be right about leaving.  Although I would just be single awhile while I healed.

[Skip]

He didn't hack this site. We have National Security Agency Secure Hash Algorithm encoding here. Every page is encrypted (note the lock in the url window on your browser   ). He had to have found evidence on a home computer.

Your display name has been altered, however, to help you move on from what has happened.

It's important to clear the cache, history, and bookmarks on your shared computer.

Hes using this as a reason for his bad behavior and how awesome he was to stay with me knowing I posted negative things about him on here. His therapist has him record their conversations and I've had every opportunity to listen if I wanted, but didnt because those sessions are private.

It's violating, for sure, to have your posts read.

Do you think posting on the Detaching board is helpful if you are married and living with your partner. You get a lot of validation for your side in conflicts, however, it can exacerbate relationship issues - a sort of "bad triangulation". You may want to try conflicted.

Sorry all this has happened. Hopefully the display name change will resolve this.

Hope he's reading the responses to this and gets help.

Not sure this would be very pleasant or motivating for him, either.

Skip

[Thread]

Thank you all.

Thank you skip for changing my display name! Youre right he probably figured it out on our computer somehow hes super smart at stuff like that. Horrifying that hes been reading for years and never said one thing. Yes, not helpful, I was angry and felt violated. No one keeps him accountable or calls him on his stuff, it gets so frustrating!

I recently kicked him out, was feeling unsafe. He's gone. Finding out he got onto this somehow was just more blame to tell me how horrible I am and how wonderful he has been for putting up with me.

A lot of the abuses where happening, not physical, but emotional, psychological, verbal, and very very financial.

should have chosen my hacking words correctly, he could have made up a screen name and figured out who i was. told me he knew i was making plans to leave for some time and thats why he was "misbehaving"

[sad but wiser]

Everyone choses their own actions.  I don't care what excuse a person makes, you are responsible for yourself and he is responsible for his own actions. 
  I don't think he has known about the site for years... .probably he came across it fairly recently.  In my experience, it would prove too good a weapon not to pull out.  They can't seem to resist beating you over the head right away.  Then they can drag it out again and again. 
  Keep yourself safe. Change locations if needed.

[Thread]

@sad but wiser,

Abuse is a very complex matter. So is borderline and narcissism. Yes I am not responsible for his behaviors and actions, and of course am of my own. However, in an abusive situation its called "crazy making" or here we call it "fog" after it gets worse and worse you get numb, confused, and they take a lot of control and power from you. Getting out of this types of situations become very complex and very difficult. They add the spiritual abuse and you feel youre going against god by leaving.

Sometimes things are not so simple or black and white. And according to my T him not talking about this site to me is just part of the disorders. A normal person would have spoken to me about it, not used it as a reason to further abuse me and use it as ammunition.  

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Thread, My BPDxW did the same thing, presumably by snooping on my laptop.  Initially I was angry because she had violated my personal boundaries, again!  But then I took your view:

I responded, I wouldn't be posting if the things that were happening if they weren't happening. It was all honest and true.

I decided that I had every right to talk about her outrageous behavior in an effort to find ways to improve our r/s.  When I came to that realization, I didn't really care if she had read my posts or not.  I said to myself, "So what!"

LuckyJim

[steelwork]

For reasons not interesting enough to relate, I have, like, a 19% certainty that my ex has identified me on this site. When the idea first occurred to me, I was alarmed at the possibility. It doesn't bother me now. I haven't written anything here I wouldn't say to his face. Then again, I'm not trying to repair a relationship with him.

Are you trying to repair your relationship?

[Skip]

A general note for readers. In all the years of doing this, we do not have a single known incident of a partner hacking the site or finding someone here randomly. Not one.

When we trace these situations back, and we have traced every report, partners find members here because 1) they were told that the member was posting here, or 2) their participation was discovered on ta shared computer.

This is not a comment directed at the participants in the thread - its a general comment for readers.

[Skip]

I have, like, a 19% certainty that my ex has identified me on this site

 

It amazes me when members disclose their participation here to their partner or ex partner. They usually have higher certainty. 

We had a women contact us to tell us (prove to us) that her husband was posting on the detaching board and then emailing her comments about her and telling her that these were the words of his therapist.  

We had a husband and wife agreeing to post here to get arguments refereed. Then they would create sock puppets to try to influence the discussions. Our software discovered that gem.  

We have, on a few occasions, had members enroll their partner because they thought it would help them see the light.  

We had a member leave clues for the ex-partner to discover him here while he was outing her and humiliating her.  

There are no good reasons to have partner be part of this process.

[steelwork]

Oh, well... .19% is a totally arbitrary figure, of course. I realize now that posting it might have stoked some anxiety for others... .for which I apologize.

I didn't tell him I was on here. We were no longer speaking when I found this place. It's just that I know he thinks his ex wife has BPD, and I have an idea he might think the same about himself at this point (based on some really specific things he said to me at the end there), and/or he might even think it about me! Because projection. And I know he loves the internet and looking at forums of various sorts. Spends a lot of time doing that. So... .interest in BPD + interest in forums naturally leads here.

Add to that: the username I chose would stand out to him. He'd identify it with me if he did happen to see it, and then a quick review of the details I've given would make it pretty clear that it was me.

The obvious question, especially given the name I chose, is: did I on some level WANT him to find me here? Do I get some kind of satisfaction about imagining that he's read some of my posts and might have gotten "my side of the story" despite having frozen me out? Open questions.

Here's the truth: he made a project of getting over me. He even described to me the steps he took. He's actually a highly disciplined person in certain ways--he's had to be. And he's rigid. So, even if he has identified me here (and, again, that would be partly my doing), I can imagine that it would be enough to make him decide never to look at the site again.

[sad but wiser]

Dear Steelwork,  I think wishing your BPD partner knew how bad he/she made you feel is a perfectly rational response to your injuries.  We stay because we see potential and keep hoping things will turn around.  Initially, no one "got" us half so well as they did... .and we want that back.