What is wrong with me?

[Gypsy_lady]

Hello everyone,
I hope I can get some help, support or guidance. I am in a relationship with, what I believe to be BPD with narcissism. My 2 husbands have it, my youngest son and daughter seem to have some form of it. When I divorced in '91 I stayed away from men and concentrated on raising my children and career. Spent 10-15 years in therapy. Now I'm in a relationship with another BPD person! Why do I keep attracting these men? This man is worse than my ex husbands. I am just too old for this. Help please!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

Attracting, and being attracted to, the same type of person is very common. I think that most of us here can attest to repeating the same types of bad relationships.

The good news is that we can change once we know! In this case, you can change how you communicate with and handle your marriage. There are some great links in the sidebar to the right to help you take the first steps.

Why do you think that your current husband may suffer from BPD? What traits does he exhibit?

[Gypsy_lady]

Why I think he has BP traits. 1. he is very manipulating 2. he lies a lot 3. he is always criticizing me 4. I can't leave the house without getting the 3rd degree 5. if I'm gone 5mins longer than he thinks I should be, he is blowing up my phone. 6. he takes absolutely no responsibility for his actions 7. he blames me for everything 8. drama WOW the drama he creates and says its all my fault. 8. everything is about him, me, me me, I I I. 9. if I am having a stressful day, and don't have a smile on my face, he says WOW you just ruined my day, how can I get anything done when you look unhappy! thanks for ruining my day. 10. he plays the victim on everything! 11. I got a restraining order because of a knock down drag out fight we had, where he was choking me and sat on my chest for at least 1/2hr. 3-4 days later he told me to go get it dropped, I said no that if he wanted to fight it he would have to file the paperwork. He looked at me and said that the restraining order had nothing to do with him! Then he said he never choked me or laid a hand on me even though there were bruises and a cuts. 13. when I said I wanted to break up he said no, we would not break up and he wouldn't move out. Then he was crying and saying how can you just throw me away like I'm trash? He is always saying he will never leave me.
I spent 10-15 years in therapy trying to break the cycle after my last divorce, went to Al-a-non,  adult children of alcoholic parents etc. I got a divorce in 1991, stopped dating, just concentrated on healing, my career and raising my 4 children. Now after 25 years or so I find myself in a relationship with another BP. I just can't believe it! I was thoroughly enjoying my dull boring life before he came into my life. I love him to death. And I am reading Stop walking on eggshells, and re-reading Co-dependent no more. I am 65yo and he is 50yo is there hope for us at all? I want my peaceful life back and I would really like to have him in it, but all this drama all the time is just wearing me out.

[Gypsy_lady]

Why I think he has BP traits. 1. he is very manipulating 2. he lies a lot 3. he is always criticizing me 4. I can't leave the house without getting the 3rd degree 5. if I'm gone 5mins longer than he thinks I should be, he is blowing up my phone. 6. he takes absolutely no responsibility for his actions 7. he blames me for everything 8. drama WOW the drama he creates and says its all my fault. 8. everything is about him, me, me me, I I I. 9. if I am having a stressful day, and don't have a smile on my face, he says WOW you just ruined my day, how can I get anything done when you look unhappy! thanks for ruining my day. 10. he plays the victim on everything! 11. I got a restraining order because of a knock down drag out fight we had, where he was choking me and sat on my chest for at least 1/2hr. 3-4 days later he told me to go get it dropped, I said no that if he wanted to fight it he would have to file the paperwork. He looked at me and said that the restraining order had nothing to do with him! Then he said he never choked me or laid a hand on me even though there were bruises and a cuts. 13. when I said I wanted to break up he said no, we would not break up and he wouldn't move out. Then he was crying and saying how can you just throw me away like I'm trash? He is always saying he will never leave me.
I spent 10-15 years in therapy trying to break the cycle after my last divorce, went to Al-a-non,  adult children of alcoholic parents etc. I got a divorce in 1991, stopped dating, just concentrated on healing, my career and raising my 4 children. Now after 25 years or so I find myself in a relationship with another BP. I just can't believe it! I was thoroughly enjoying my dull boring life before he came into my life. I love him to death. And I am reading Stop walking on eggshells, and re-reading Co-dependent no more. I am 65yo and he is 50yo is there hope for us at all? I want my peaceful life back and I would really like to have him in it, but all this drama all the time is just wearing me out.

[Meili]

That all sounds perfectly horrible!

To answer your question, as long as you have hope, there is hope.

That being said, I am of the opinion that you should take this really slow to make sure that there is no chance that physical violence will ever occur again. As I'm sure that you're aware, keeping yourself safe is a top priority!

I am curious, do you think that you'll ever have your calm, dull life back with him? Have you accepted that you may never have that again?

[Gypsy_lady]

That all sounds perfectly horrible!

To answer your question, as long as you have hope, there is hope.

That being said, I am of the opinion that you should take this really slow to make sure that there is no chance that physical violence will ever occur again. As I'm sure that you're aware, keeping yourself safe is a top priority!

I am curious, do you think that you'll ever have your calm, dull life back with him? Have you accepted that you may never have that again?

[Lockjaw]

All I can tell you is no matter what I seem to do, if you put me in a room with 100 identical women, 99 are completely sane and normal, and 1 is psycho, that is the one I will fall for. Every time.

I think you just have to try to be objective and listen to yourself better. When you get the little voice that says run forest run, and you ignore it, then you are doomed. And realize to, your brain tricks you at first. It releases all these chemicals that make you drunk. When they go away and your hangover appears, and you see everything clearly, then you know the deal.

I need to approach it like buying a car. This is what I want, if I can't get it, I am walking away. I deserve better.