Delusional or did he try?

[Larmoyant]

I was thinking today that my ex had actually been trying to have a relationship with me. I think it was genuine, but then again maybe I was just a 'good' attachment in that I put up with more abuse than others did.

What I mean is that he went from projectile vomiting red wine at the beginning of our relationship because he'd spent the night with me to spending longer and longer periods with me. He tried to manage his anxieties, with drugs sometimes, but he tried.

The relationship was a battle ground and I won some, at least I thought I had, exhausting, but we may have been getting somewhere. Am I sinking into denial here?

I'm still debating this. Was it genuine? Did he, does he, have true feelings for me, as a person, not an attachment, real feelings?

[FallBack!Monster]

I was thinking today that my ex had actually been trying to have a relationship with me. I think it was genuine, but then again maybe I was just a 'good' attachment in that I put up with more abuse than others did.

What I mean is that he went from projectile vomiting red wine at the beginning of our relationship because he'd spent the night with me to spending longer and longer periods with me. He tried to manage his anxieties, with drugs sometimes, but he tried.

?

The relationship was a battle ground and I won some, at least I thought I had, exhausting, but we may have been getting somewhere. Am I sinking into denial here?

I'm still debating this. Was it genuine? Did he, does he, have true feelings for me, as a person, not an attachment, real feelings?

All we keep hearing is that pwBPD and real feelings don't mix. You'll have to be normal person to understand feelings. My ex laughed at me because she thinks we are the pathetic ones. because nons can feel and she don't know what is what. Except when and where she has to meet up to get it.  Her her her.

On the other hand, it's kind of sad. Today I heard a Dr say pwBPD lose everything and everyone that ever cared about them around their 40s; Statistically. So I guess to me it doesn't matter if she cared about me or not or if it was all a hoax orchestrated by her and hers, she would only have hurt me further. Maybe the answer to your questions is somewhere in here.

[Larmoyant]

What I mean is that he went from projectile vomiting red wine at the beginning of our relationship because he'd spent the night with me to spending longer and longer periods with me. He tried to manage his anxieties, with drugs sometimes, but he tried.

.

Sorry, RunningSlow, should have been clearer. He went overseas a couple of months after we met. We stayed in contact every day, and I fell madly in love. It seemed he felt the same. Idealisation period. He'd given me his key and I was waiting for him when he returned. It was amazing at first only he went into a major meltdown a few hours later, he couldn't sleep, very anxious, woke up projectile vomiting red wine all over the bedroom and then we ended up in the ER as he thought he had DVT, he didn't, he then turned on me, saying I didn't care and much worse, and I ran away totally shocked and bewildered. I now believe this was his BPD fears at play. This kind of behaviour happened over and over. He'd pick me up happy and excited to see me and 10 minutes later was driving me back home again. I think he tried to overcome this later in the relationship with the help of drugs, marijuana, to help him to stay calm as he is a rager.

[formflier]

The big question is... .do the answers to the questions matter?

I'll give you my opinion.

I think he did care... I think those feelings were real to him and the felt real to you when expressed to you. 

I think he did try, albeit "the best he could", which was dysfunctional.

My opinion is that pwBPD don't go out and "find" someone that would be a "good attachment" in a plotting kinda way.  He was attracted to you, that attraction deepened, you both got closer.  When you then were physically and emotionally close... .lots of dysfunctional stuff showed up.

That is the "nature" of the disorder

Is this how you see the disorder?  Do you believe it played out different in your case? 

FF

[patientandclear]

What if all those things are true? He tried. His difficulties tolerating closeness caused him to act in ways that were hurtful to you, sometimes very hurtful; and, at best, were big impediments to a sustained relationship. What would that mean for what you want to do?

Re "just an attachment" ... .I suspect you are wondering whether your connection with him was one of many and therefore less special than you'd thought, and attained its value to him by the fact that you persevered despite mistreatment, rather than some inherent specialness. That question gave me pause, too. In the end I think it's true: I am special to him because I really loved him (good) and tolerated his strange behavior, gave him space (good) and he felt he could do anything and I would not leave (not good, and ultimately, not accurate). I understand why this may make you feel queasy about the bond. Does it depend on your endurance? To some extent, your lack of self protection? I get that as a basis to doubt what the core nature of the r/ship is.

[Larmoyant]

I think I was trying to grab onto something to help me make a decision. If I'm just another attachment then it's easier to leave. If I was something more then perhaps I could stay.

Re "just an attachment" ... .I suspect you are wondering whether your connection with him was one of many and therefore less special than you'd thought, and attained its value to him by the fact that you persevered despite mistreatment, rather than some inherent specialness. That question gave me pause, too. In the end I think it's true: I am special to him because I really loved him (good) and tolerated his strange behavior, gave him space (good) and he felt he could do anything and I would not leave (not good, and ultimately, not accurate). I understand why this may make you feel queasy about the bond. Does it depend on your endurance? To some extent, your lack of self protection? I get that as a basis to doubt what the core nature of the r/ship is.

PC, You completely understood me!

It's all a little redundant now. I've posted the latest. Feel deflated.

[Hisaccount]

Today I heard a Dr say pwBPD lose everything and everyone that ever cared about them around their 40s; Statistically.

Totally random, but thank you for posting that, I read that from time to time, mine snapped at age 37. I wish I could find more data to back that up. I like hearing she will fail as bad as it sounds, but I need that so I know it wasn't all my fault.

[Duped 1]

Totally random, but thank you for posting that, I read that from time to time, mine snapped at age 37. I wish I could find more data to back that up. I like hearing she will fail as bad as it sounds, but I need that so I know it wasn't all my fault.

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I like hearing this. Mine is already mid 40s but I could see her crashing once the last of her kids move out. Does anyone have more info on them crashing in their 40s and does that apply to high functioning pwBPD?

[formflier]

I'm guessing that it has less to do with age... .than length of r/s. 

pwBPD seem to not be able to forgive.  Things build up... .patterns get entrenched... .some major life events... .kaboom.

FF

[lovenature]

I'm still debating this. Was it genuine? Did he, does he, have true feelings for me, as a person, not an attachment, real feelings?

I believe he did have true feelings for you L.; a PWBPD has extreme feelings and emotions, they want a close intimate relationship more than anything, they can't articulate their need for an attachment to feel whole, it is just what they feel based on what they have always known due to FOO issues.
You know he isn't capable of a healthy, reciprocal, mature relationship based on what you have lived with him.

[Duped 1]

What does "FOO" mean?

Thank You!

[formflier]

Family Of Origin

Basically... .where we learn what "normal" is... .