Domestic violence and custody

[Dontknow88]

So I never knew emotional abuse and belittling was a form of domestic violence.

I went threw hell and I strongly believe things ended before it got physical, it was right around the corner.

I fear for out son to be with him alone and a bit down by this. I just hope he agrees to the agreement. If he doesn't and wants him alone what should be my next step?

[livednlearned]

I went through the same realization, and feel the same way, that things ended before they got physical (he was beginning to throw things and lock me outside).

What's the current custody/visitation schedule like?

How old is your son, and how much time does he spend with his dad?

Does your ex have narcissistic traits?

[Dontknow88]

I went through the same realization, and feel the same way, that things ended before they got physical (he was beginning to throw things and lock me outside).

What's the current custody/visitation schedule like?

How old is your son, and how much time does he spend with his dad?

Does your ex have narcissistic traits?

Hello.
I'm sorry you had to deal with it too.

Our son is 10 months old, his dad lives 7 hours away and in a different country.

Right now it's 50/50 but he doesn't utilize it. We are doing a separation agreement and looking for full custody and he only gets supervised visits.

He's only seem our son 3 times all about an hour each.

My ex dose have narcissistic traits

[livednlearned]

Is the 50/50 arrangement a temporary custody order that you both agreed to?

[Dontknow88]

Is the 50/50 arrangement a temporary custody order that you both agreed to?

No  where I live as long as the father is on the birth certificate he automatically has equal custody

[ForeverDad]

What do you mean by 'custody'?  There can be an assortment of implications or applications.  In some areas joint custody means involvement in major decisions such as medical, school, religion.  Courts prefer joint since it doesn't shut out the other parent.  Unfortunately, it also can create impasses that only mediation or court can resolve.

Another aspect is the parenting time or schedule.  Does he have 50% time on paper?  Even if he does have that, his actual parenting (or visitation) time is much lower.  Quietly document or log those visits or times.  Why?  You need to document that you have a history of majority parenting time regardless what the paperwork says.  Those records very likely will be very helpful if not essential in the years to come.

My point is that you may not have to assume everything is 50/50.  Legal issues may be joint - perhaps you can try to get Decision Making or Tie Breaker status - but the schedule can be quite different and pretty much lock you in to favorable majority parenting time.

[livednlearned]

That may mean that he is entitled to 50/50 physical/legal custody by default. It does not mean he is guaranteed 50/50.

And in practice, whatever he has by legal default, he is not exercising it.

Courts care a lot about status quo, and right now, your ex is establishing a status quo where he is out of the picture.

That means you would have a stronger case to go before the court and basically ask to keep things the way they are.

It does seem like the male BPD exes talked about here may show up in court and go through the motions, but when things come right down to it, they lack follow-through, and only seek time with the child as a way to keep the fight going.

In practice, my ex dropped his visitation time with our son, even though he fought hard in court to get more time.

Is your ex high functioning? Does he have a job, and can he follow through on tasks?

[Dontknow88]

That may mean that he is entitled to 50/50 physical/legal custody by default. It does not mean he is guaranteed 50/50.

And in practice, whatever he has by legal default, he is not exercising it.

Courts care a lot about status quo, and right now, your ex is establishing a status quo where he is out of the picture.

That means you would have a stronger case to go before the court and basically ask to keep things the way they are.

It does seem like the male BPD exes talked about here may show up in court and go through the motions, but when things come right down to it, they lack follow-through, and only seek time with the child as a way to keep the fight going.

In practice, my ex dropped his visitation time with our son, even though he fought hard in court to get more time.

Is your ex high functioning? Does he have a job, and can he follow through on tasks?

OK we are going through a separation agreement and he has agreed to give me full custody and he only get supervised visitation. He's agreed to that


He is a high functioning and has a really good high-paying job but for his personal life he drastically lacks consistency and it's a complete mess.

funny thing is he asked me not to take him to court, he told his coworkers what's going on and they don't know that he suffers from mental illnesses (so obviously they are more than ready to testify) . he told me if we go to court I better not bring up his mental illnesses and ruin his chances ( more emotional abuse) .  Even though we decided to go with the separation agreement i'm still documenting everything especially the Insein stuff, I feel I might need it in the future.

[Dontknow88]

What do you mean by 'custody'?  There can be an assortment of implications or applications.  In some areas joint custody means involvement in major decisions such as medical, school, religion.  Courts prefer joint since it doesn't shut out the other parent.  Unfortunately, it also can create impasses that only mediation or court can resolve.

Another aspect is the parenting time or schedule.  Does he have 50% time on paper?  Even if he does have that, his actual parenting (or visitation) time is much lower.  Quietly document or log those visits or times.  Why?  You need to document that you have a history of majority parenting time regardless what the paperwork says.  Those records very likely will be very helpful if not essential in the years to come.

My point is that you may not have to assume everything is 50/50.  Legal issues may be joint - perhaps you can try to get Decision Making or Tie Breaker status - but the schedule can be quite different and pretty much lock you in to favorable majority parenting time.

OK so technically it's joint custody right now and he agreed to do a separation agreement to give me full custody