Upsetting support group experience

[BreathingDeeply]

Hello, I'm new here so please bear with me. As you all know, life with a BP is a chaotic whirlwind and I always have trouble knowing where to start when talking about my DD, so I'll just start with right now. She's just about 19 and we've had our light bulb moment in the last 2 months. Did a lot of research and reading, found a psychiatrist who specializes in BPD and runs a DBT program of individual and group therapy and miraculously DD was willing to go. He also told DH and me about a parents' support group (Family Connections) starting in our area and the first session was last night. We went around the room giving introductions and some history and most of the participants are dealing with situations that are much more dire than ours. Kids in residential programs, multiple suicide attempts, addiction, gender confusion. Our DD has done some cutting but didn't like it. She's done some drinking but didn't like it. She's done some marijuana but didn't like it. She is very dysfunctional in other ways but I was left feeling like I had to prove that we belonged in the group and that most of the other parents would kill to be in our shoes and dealing with our problems, which pale in comparison - even though I know we've been to what felt like hell quite a few times with her. Some of these feelings are probably my own insecurities and coming from my own self, but there was one couple that was very aggressive in the personal questions they asked, patronizing and invalidating. Ugh, this is what I am trying to deal with in my family life. I don't need this in my support group! I don't even know what I'm asking for here. Just some support, I guess, and advice as to how to handle this.  Thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[InIndia]

Hey BreathingDeeply,

I don't have advice, but feel you in the frustration. Definitely don't feel you need to prove your pain in all you're going through with your DD. Outside circumstances and symptoms may be really different, but it's the same core feelings and needs in the pwBPD and probably for the parents... .I hope this group gives you more immediate sense of welcome and belonging. And soon there as well. Would it be possible to talk to the psychiatrist about the dynamic?

Our D (unofficially adopted) also almost 19 sounds really similar, with less "extreme" behaviors, never self harmed that we know of, only suicide attempts years ago, no evident addictions besides love, etc. But the pain in her is so obvious when she is disregulated, and our pain and frustration at not being able to provide her effective ways to help her grow, and my own confusion trying to figure out my own boundaries, how to hold them from love and not resentment... .
I'm glad you're hear and sharing.

[drained1996]

Hi BreathingDeeply,



Sorry to hear about your not so great experience with the support group.  It's not a good feeling for anyone to put themselves out there and get invalidating comments and actions.  
  I read it and thought of it like this:  you went on a date and it didn't go so well.  You can either check it out again with no expectations and see if your experience improves, or you can simply look for another date  
Bad analogy aside, we know how difficult it is dealing with a person with BPD in our lives, no matter how extreme the circumstances.  As InIndia states, it's really effecting us to our core, so the end feelings are the same... .
You've found a great place for knowledge, understanding and sharing.  To the right of this page you will see some tools and lessons that will definitely be of help in your journey.  One key thing many of us have learned is that we cannot change our person with BPD (pwBPD), but we can change how we react to and communicate with them.  Combining knowledge of the illness and it's nuances with practicing self awareness and some communication techniques can certainly help improve the day to day situation.  
If you will read through the stories of others here you will find many you could have written yourself.  You will also see that the responses given in those threads are things you can probably directly relate to and use in your own situation.  I found sharing here to be very therapeutic, and I also noticed the more I shared, the more I got in return.  
What are some of the most common day to day challenges  you face with your DD?  Feel free to share anything here... .feelings, thoughts, questions etc.  You've found the right place.  We are here.  

PS, it's great to hear that your DD is willing to go to therapy!  That's a good thing for sure!

[BreathingDeeply]

Thank you so much InIndia and drained for the validation and support and the warm invitation to share. We're still processing and we'll probably try it again next week and see how it goes. If it were you, would you say anything to the facilitators? Can this work for us if our situation is so drastically different from everyone else's? And is there something we can say to this couple when they get judgmental or nosy or condescending that isn't rude or defensive but gently gets the point across? (The irony is not lost on us but obviously we haven't learned this skill yet or we wouldn't need to attend this group  )

[drained1996]

would you say anything to the facilitators?

Absolutely... .one would think the facilitators want everyone to feel comfortable and welcome.  Having it pointed out to them may help them be more aware and be proactive in bettering the situation.

Can this work for us if our situation is so drastically different from everyone else's?

An educated guess tells me the situations are not that drastically different, the fundamental issues are the same.  Sure, some may be dealing with actions by their BPD's that you fortunately do not have at this time... .that doesn't really change much in the way of tools and techniques that would be suggested in any case I wouldn't think. 

And is there something we can say to this couple when they get judgmental or nosy or condescending that isn't rude or defensive but gently gets the point across

Hopefully discussing your thoughts with the facilitators can help deal with that if it comes up again...

[BreathingDeeply]

Thank you for your advice. DH and I have talked about it and we do think we'll speak to the facilitators just to let them know about this dynamic. They have only recently trained to run this group and it's their first one, so they don't have a lot of experience yet and didn't vet the participants properly although they are very eager . We also think we might say something at the start of the next meeting, acknowledging that we haven't experienced all the challenges that many of the other parents have, we respect them all for how they're handling their challenges and we appreciate their patience with us as we try to learn the skills that the group has to offer. I hope just getting it out there will quell any negativity or resentment from the other participants.

[livednlearned]

Hi BreathingDeeply,

Gee, when did having a BPD child become a competition? 

I admire your plan to tell the other parents how you're feeling.

They may be very raw, and still unskilled. Hopefully they will learn validation, what might be one of the most important skills for BPD sufferers (for anyone, really). The other parents may still be very raw and while that's no excuse, it does give them a lot of room to grow. You might end up being an emotional leader in the group

The concept of dialectics is something that has really helped me, where two seemingly opposite things can both be true. Meaning, your daughter may not have extreme BPD, and she still suffers from a severe disorder.

My SO's D19 is what some refer to as a "quiet" borderline. I didn't post about her for a long time because she wasn't cutting, suicidal, doing drugs, stealing, running away, endangering us, etc.

And yet, that girl is in a world of pain. Her neediness is like nothing I've ever experienced, it's an underwater storm boiling right below the surface. We see ripples and bubbles and can only guess at what is going on underneath. My ex husband suffered from BPD and was an alcoholic, bipolar, verbally abusive, psychotic, etc. And yet, D19's BPD in many ways is more difficult. It is more shadowy and stealthy, which makes it easier to discount her pain, the very thing that causes her to dysregulate. 

If I were in your support group and heard you say, "My D's acting out behaviors are not quite as severe, and yet her internal emotional experience is equally devastating," I would've felt very validated and grateful that I wasn't alone 

[BreathingDeeply]

Thank you so much livednlearned for that validation! I'm so moved by all the responses I've gotten. It's the first real support I've felt.

I can really understand the other group participants. I mean, if your child has a heart condition and it's touch and go every minute, you don't really have the head (or heart) space for someone else's, say, diabetes. A life altering condition that needs constant management, with potential for serious health consequences, yes, but still not life-and-death-right-this-moment-and-every-moment. I spoke to a psychologist friend and she said groups like this are meant to be vetted more thoroughly so the participants are dealing with roughly the same or similar situations for just this reason, so I can accept that this makes sense and no one is intentionally trying to compete for most difficult child. We can decide to go for the skills, even if not the support. Those dialectics you mentioned are definitely part of the skills. I guess we got a head start.

In another thread you mentioned a "tender cycle" of self-awareness. Can you tell me more about this or point me somewhere where I can read about it, because my daughter does have these "tender" periods (we've been calling them her lucid periods, for lack of a better word), where she seems more present and grounded and functional and aware and all my anger and resentment just melt away and are replaced by overwhelming compassion and then sadness. Because as much as I want her to be self-aware so she can get the help she needs and work it to the fullest, when she is "lucid" - oh the pain!

Of course, when the condescending woman at group heard me describe this she suggested that our daughter sounds like she is bipolar, not BPD. I know she's not because she has no mania or hypomania, and she's been evaluated for bipolar by multiple psychiatrists and a neuropsychologist but she still has me second-guessing, so I'd love to learn more about this in the context of BPD.