Die Hard: Recycle 2

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi guys, I'm not sure if you remember me, at least some of you.

 It's been a couple months since I don't post here, last time I posted in here I was in bad shape because of her birthday arriving at October 3rd and after contacting her on her birthday, a recycle was more then likely.

After that we started seeing each other again, but I said I wouldn't officialize the relationship until she started seeing a therapist, she didn't accept these terms and said she would seek treatment, but not right now, and she wouldn't be with me for long unless I officialized it until around January at most, she gave me a deadline, that was so awkward, I just ignored it but kept insisting her to get treatment soon, she said she couldn't afford it, that's why she wanted to wait, so I sought a good teacher from college I had that taught psychology and she gave me a recommendation of a place that is specialized in these problems and would basically treat for free, $10 each appointment or so.

I told my exBPDgf about it and she said she wasn't interested, kept saying she had no money and made me so frustrated, I told her to at least call the place and get information, she declined again, and that that until now.

Thing could not be any worse, dare I say, every week is worse and worse. She had complained to me earlier and we had a huge fight over it (what I mean by fight is her hitting me and yelling at me, I'm very calm and I don't like to fight), she would often get tantrums every time someone would try to reach me on my phone, she would say it would be "wh0r3$"reaching me, once a week or less women might have really tried to talk to me since I had been single recently and that was her concern, so I just stopped using the phone when we were together, put it on airplane mode, she hated it, said I was hiding things from her, so I stopped, and this was the first week I was using my phone normally with her.

We were having dinner at a restaurant and at one point someone had sent me a message, I believe it was my mother and maybe someone else sent me a text as well, so I picked it up and replied, she was not eating, I didn't interrupt or ignore her, we weren't talking at that moment, she didn't say anything, but at the end of the dinner I noticed he seemed a bit off, I asked her if there was a problem and she said it was nothing. Later on when we got to the car she kept getting worse and wouldn't let me get close, I left her alone, a few moments later I made a joke and she laughed, she then got even more pissed at me because she was trying to be mad and me and I made her laugh, so she starting hitting me while I was driving, she hit my face and my glasses flew all the way to the back seat, she bent then and almost broke them, as well as hurting me, that got me completely off guard, I started to talk to her and ask what the heck was going on, she said I used the phone the whole dinner, and we argued all the way back home, she wouldn't let me touch her, when we got home I abruptly hit the breaks at very low speed, just to tease her, I did that in the past, it's just me being funny, trying to get her off that aggressive mindset. That pissed her off even more, she pulled on my hair very very hard and started hitting me again, this time even harder, at that point my mood had shifted, I decided not to try to touch her and just speak, I made no progress into a conversation, I wondered what I would do now, I considered sending her home, I would have to drive her all the way back, she could even make me crash the car, so I exited the car, she started going upstairs, when I began going upstairs she pushed me and I had to leap down half the stairs not to fall, I looked at her in shock still not believing how she could be at that state , she then lifted her skirt up to show her panties and laughed, I didn't feel like I was in the real world anymore, it was too crazy to be true, I don't even what to talk much more about that weekend but it was hell, we got upstairs, she kept fighting me for a few hours more and eventually she calmed down, she said she did it because she wanted to do it, she had control, but I deserved, she said if she did that kind of stuff on the street they would commit her.

I was shook up the whole week about that day, on next Friday, 7 days after the looney incident there was a graduation of one of my best friends, she wanted to go with me, but my friend didn't want her there and when he invited me I wasn't with her so I didn't give her name to put into the reservation list, my exBPDgf had another graduation to go to that day, her best friend, so I reckoned it would be fine, she goes to her graduation, I go to my graduation. Well, no... She said she wanted to go in both and I could not go alone, I said it was impossible, both were at the same time, she then said she wouldn't go to her best friends graduation, she would go with me, I told her that was not right and she had to go to hers, since hers ended sooner then mine, she implied I left earlier and picked her up, after a long argument she was already mad at me and she settled for both of us that I would leave earlier and pick her up or else we would break up.

An hour after my friends graduation started she texts me to pick her up, I say it's too soon and I won't go, she starts to behave like a child that was abandoned in a dangerous place, I told her to pick up a cab or uber, I'd pay, she denied, so I talked to my friends and told her I would pick her up, but I would leave her at my place and would go back to the party.

When we get home she's very mad at me, I can't touch her, she was wearing lipstick, she rubber her lips hard all over my favorite shirt and stained it, I got pissed at her, but just changed shirts and left home. An hour after I arrived at the event she sends my a message saying that she had found me on Tinder, then immediately corrected saying a friend of hers found me on Tinder, I said I didn't have Tinder and that I had deleted and had not been using anything, she didn't believe me, I said whatever, nothing I could have done if she didn't believe me, she said she was using Tinder and that I should enjoy my night, using in my bed, on my room, in my house, I ignored it, had a good time and came back home later, she deleted Tinder, but she really did talk to guys while I was at the party, I'm still baffled.

[Hlinthewiking]

Hi guys, I'm not sure if you remember me, at least some of you.

 It's been a couple months since I don't post here, last time I posted in here I was in bad shape because of her birthday arriving at October 3rd and after contacting her on her birthday, a recycle was more then likely.

After that we started seeing each other again, but I said I wouldn't officialize the relationship until she started seeing a therapist, she didn't accept these terms and said she would seek treatment, but not right now, and she wouldn't be with me for long unless I officialized it until around January at most, she gave me a deadline, that was so awkward, I just ignored it but kept insisting her to get treatment soon, she said she couldn't afford it, that's why she wanted to wait, so I sought a good teacher from college I had that taught psychology and she gave me a recommendation of a place that is specialized in these problems and would basically treat for free, $10 each appointment or so.

I told my exBPDgf about it and she said she wasn't interested, kept saying she had no money and made me so frustrated, I told her to at least call the place and get information, she declined again, and that that until now.

Thing could not be any worse, dare I say, every week is worse and worse. She had complained to me earlier and we had a huge fight over it (what I mean by fight is her hitting me and yelling at me, I'm very calm and I don't like to fight), she would often get tantrums every time someone would try to reach me on my phone, she would say it would be "wh0r3$"reaching me, once a week or less women might have really tried to talk to me since I had been single recently and that was her concern, so I just stopped using the phone when we were together, put it on airplane mode, she hated it, said I was hiding things from her, so I stopped, and this was the first week I was using my phone normally with her.

We were having dinner at a restaurant and at one point someone had sent me a message, I believe it was my mother and maybe someone else sent me a text as well, so I picked it up and replied, she was not eating, I didn't interrupt or ignore her, we weren't talking at that moment, she didn't say anything, but at the end of the dinner I noticed he seemed a bit off, I asked her if there was a problem and she said it was nothing. Later on when we got to the car she kept getting worse and wouldn't let me get close, I left her alone, a few moments later I made a joke and she laughed, she then got even more pissed at me because she was trying to be mad and me and I made her laugh, so she starting hitting me while I was driving, she hit my face and my glasses flew all the way to the back seat, she bent then and almost broke them, as well as hurting me, that got me completely off guard, I started to talk to her and ask what the heck was going on, she said I used the phone the whole dinner, and we argued all the way back home, she wouldn't let me touch her, when we got home I abruptly hit the breaks at very low speed, just to tease her, I did that in the past, it's just me being funny, trying to get her off that aggressive mindset. That pissed her off even more, she pulled on my hair very very hard and started hitting me again, this time even harder, at that point my mood had shifted, I decided not to try to touch her and just speak, I made no progress into a conversation, I wondered what I would do now, I considered sending her home, I would have to drive her all the way back, she could even make me crash the car, so I exited the car, she started going upstairs, when I began going upstairs she pushed me and I had to leap down half the stairs not to fall, I looked at her in shock still not believing how she could be at that state , she then lifted her skirt up to show her panties and laughed, I didn't feel like I was in the real world anymore, it was too crazy to be true, I don't even what to talk much more about that weekend but it was hell, we got upstairs, she kept fighting me for a few hours more and eventually she calmed down, she said she did it because she wanted to do it, she had control, but I deserved, she said if she did that kind of stuff on the street they would commit her.

I was shook up the whole week about that day, on next Friday, 7 days after the looney incident there was a graduation of one of my best friends, she wanted to go with me, but my friend didn't want her there and when he invited me I wasn't with her so I didn't give her name to put into the reservation list, my exBPDgf had another graduation to go to that day, her best friend, so I reckoned it would be fine, she goes to her graduation, I go to my graduation. Well, no... She said she wanted to go in both and I could not go alone, I said it was impossible, both were at the same time, she then said she wouldn't go to her best friends graduation, she would go with me, I told her that was not right and she had to go to hers, since hers ended sooner then mine, she implied I left earlier and picked her up, after a long argument she was already mad at me and she settled for both of us that I would leave earlier and pick her up or else we would break up.

An hour after my friends graduation started she texts me to pick her up, I say it's too soon and I won't go, she starts to behave like a child that was abandoned in a dangerous place, I told her to pick up a cab or uber, I'd pay, she denied, so I talked to my friends and told her I would pick her up, but I would leave her at my place and would go back to the party.

When we get home she's very mad at me, I can't touch her, she was wearing lipstick, she rubber her lips hard all over my favorite shirt and stained it, I got pissed at her, but just changed shirts and left home. An hour after I arrived at the event she sends my a message saying that she had found me on Tinder, then immediately corrected saying a friend of hers found me on Tinder, I said I didn't have Tinder and that I had deleted and had not been using anything, she didn't believe me, I said whatever, nothing I could have done if she didn't believe me, she said she was using Tinder and that I should enjoy my night, using in my bed, on my room, in my house, I ignored it, had a good time and came back home later, she deleted Tinder, but she really did talk to guys while I was at the party, I'm still baffled.

[Hlinthewiking]

My health has been awful ever since we got back. I discovered I have guttate psoriasis, doctor said it was from stress and recurrent strep throat, so I scheduled a tonsillectomy for last week. I had the operation on Tuesday, I slept at the hospital that day, she asked if I wanted her to come to the hospital to see me, I said if she wanted she could come, but she didn't have to, I was trying to be nice and really, I don't think she has the capability of taking care of me.

She got mad at me and said I was hiding her from my life and didn't let her participate, she nagged me the whole day while I was in post op in the hospital, I kinda ignored her and said I needed to take care of myself right now. Next day I come back home and she implied she wants to break up and pick up her things, she didn't say it straight, but it was what I concluded, she said she wanted to come and talk and had to pick up some things at my house. I told her if she came to break up with me or to have a relationship talk, I didn't want her to come, I couldn't even talk. She came on Friday thinking I guess I would be fine and it would be normal, but I'm still in pain and recovering and still couldn't talk, so she was fed up with it I guess and left on Saturday, she had treated my like garbage ever since my surgery, she won't call me loving names or hardly say she loved me, she calls me for the first name and in a very cold way.

I'm still recovering but I lost 20lbs of muscle and just began eating yesterday. I don't know how xmas or new years will be, or my birthday in 2 weeks, I can't take this anymore.

[Hlinthewiking]

tried to modify and clicked on quote instead

[JJacks0]

I remember you, Hlinthewiking. It's good to hear from you, but I'm sorry for the reason.
I wish it were a better update.

Sounds like you've had a pretty intense couple of months since the recycle. It's good to hear you're looking out and taking care of your health though. What are you planning to do next? Are you going to try to break it off for good?

I wouldn't try to influence you in either direction, but I will say that I think we all know that significant events like holidays and birthdays are usually a huge trigger for people with BPD. So I don't blame you for being concerned about everything that's approaching. Whatever you do, just make sure you're looking out for you.

[Hlinthewiking]

Hi there JJacks0, thanks. Well, I'm not really sure, I have this problem with making decisions, specially ones this important, I love her so much, but she's killing me, she's go all the power, the only power I have is to end it. Right now I was simply hoping she would reach me, it's after midnight and she never goes to sleep without saying good night, she already ignored me 2 times but it was hours ago, it's really hard for me to accept what's going on, specially since tomorrow is christmas eve.

These medical problems I'v been having have really sucked the last drops of my self esteem, I'm a bit OCD and I care a lot about how I look, I used to be fat and I have been an athlete for many years, I can't work out for a month, which I haven't done in 8 years and my entire body is filled with red dots from the guttate psoriasis, maybe if I do the treatment this month it will clear up by the end of January, but I'm feeling so bad about myself. At the same time she treats me like garbage I still believe she loves me, so it's hard for me.

[Pretty Woman]

Love shouldn't hurt. She's hitting you in the face while driving. That's psycho. Would you let a stranger off the street hit you in the face? Likely not. Why accept poor behavior from a loved-one?

A BPD in denial of free (or almost free help) is not a person who wants to change. The choice is yours... .YOU have the power to say enough is enough and stand by your boundaries, she should get help or you are ending it.

Trust me, I've been there. The more you allow them to treat you badly they will and they lose complete respect for you and you are relegated to a doormat in their mind.
Take back your power. That's my Christmas wish for you.


 

[Hlinthewiking]

Thanks Pretty Woman, do you think there is a return after the doormat state? I don't know how I got to this position again, when we started seeing each other again I was trying really hard to maintain boundaries and reprehended her every time she disrespected me, but I guess that never worked, because what really can I do to reprehend her? She knows I would never hurt her, the only power she left me with is the power to leave and somehow she knows how hard that is for me.

She's still giving me the silent treatment... .This is so hard, but I haven't sent her any messages since yesterday afternoon, which she has not replied, I'm afraid if I send her any messages now it will lead to a break up or me accepting her abuses and I'm not up for either, I don't know what to do, I'm a mess, it feels like I already lost her for good, couldn't sleep last night.

[Pretty Woman]

I think once you've been painted black game over. They never fully trust and it becomes a game of manipulation... .which only works if you are a willing participant.

My ex left me for her other exes... .several times. She always had someone on the hook... .I just didn't realize it at first.

I think our egos get in the way of letting go. We want to be #1 in their eyes.

Thing is this... .once you are removed long enough you won't care what she thinks. It's hard not to take it personally. You have to depersonalize this. This is who your ex is. Without hard core treatment this is who she will always be. We work so hard to win their affections... .
They are broken. There ARE healthy people out there.

This is about working on US. Why we want something that's bad for us because that's not healthy, friend. 

It's my understanding that once they devalue they never think of you the same. All you become is a back up when they are lonely or don't have anyone on the horizon. It's then they remember how great you were to them and the pattern repeats.

I'd be lying if I said this relationship did not profoundly affect me. I hope someday I'm not on this site daily. It's hard work but you can and will move on. NC has helped immensely. It's been almost 2yrs for me.

[Hlinthewiking]

Yes, I remember you from the last times I'v been here... It's so hard... We broke up 2 times already, today is our day, next month it would have been our 2 year anniversary, I'm so anxious, I don't know what to do, I really want to talk to her but I'm so scared, I don't know how I'm going to cope with another break up specially during my post op when I can't do anything and I pretty much stay in bed all day. At the same time my therapist told me I'm too depressed and he thinks I should start taking something, he gave me a perscription of Lexapro and Wellbutrin, he knows I'm against meds because I'v taken them in the past and I couldn't stand the side effects, so he told me to check both these out and in case I decided I'm willing to take any, I asked again if there was any other way, he said if I were able to break up with her I probably wouldn't need to, I think he's scared for me, I can't see things getting any worse unless someone ends up dead tbh, that was one of the fears I had seeing her post op, her hitting me and me getting a hemorrhage and having to go back to the operation table.

How could things turn out soo bad? I always treated her so well, there wasn't a day that didn't go by when I didn't say I loved her. I wish I could at least go to the gym, I feel dead inside.

I also found out something recently that has been bothering me beyond imagination. There was some guy that always stalked her and she seemed to have been with him while we were apart both times, despite her denial. I recently found out he does a BA on a college and it's the same one she decided to go to when we were still together last time we broke up, I took her to do the test to join, it can't be a coincidence, it's not an open subject, you have to really dig in to find out it even exists, they might even be class mates! And he joined 6 months before she did. I'm 100% positive she just started going there because of him.