Seeking Guidance in How to Leave (Baby Involved)

[Aiming4Kindness]

Hi there,

I'm a 39 year old male.  My fiancee' (with BPD) is 31 years old.  We had a child together in April.

After seeing a couples counselor for 18 months and three separate therapists on my own to gain additional perspectives, I've decided that I need to leave this relationship.  I've informed close friends and family, scheduled a weekly session with the therapist I like best, and found a lawyer I can call if/when needed.

My fiancee' is a chiropractor, but she stopped working in order to care for our child.  The practice where she worked pre-baby has since closed, though she's been seeing a few patients a week at our home (which I own).  She has very little savings and a very low credit score; however, before we moved in together, she lived for free at a condo her mom owns.  The condo is currently being rented out, and the lease requires 30 days notice to get the current tenants out of there.

My fiancee's immediate family are in Paris (we're in the U.S.).  She does not have a very close relationship with either parent, especially since she recently learned information about her childhood that points to neglect by her parents and abuse by her older brother.

Given these realities, what I haven't figured out are the following:

1) Where and how do I communicate that the relationship is over? The last time I tried to do this, my partner ended up passing out on the floor and having convulsions.  (When she gets angry or fearful, her body often shuts down... .We've been to the ER after a number of intense arguments due to chest pain and a very rapid heart rate arising in her.  During the past few weeks, during moments when she wasn't feeling well, she's made side comments about killing herself.)

2) How do I take care of my fiancee'?  I don't want to make life harder for her during this transition, especially since any added stress will likely impact our child.  Nearly all of the furniture she had has been sold, and as I mentioned above, she doesn't have much savings right now. 

3) How do I take care of our child?

4) How do I take care of myself during and immediately after the conversation?

With appreciation beyond measure... .

[K.G.]

I am sorry for your situation. Any separation is difficult and that is something that we have to have in our mind first and foremost. And it is more difficult when there is property, finances and a child involved. I am not sure if there is a specific way to separate when your partner has BPD, but seeking professional advice would be best. Prepare for every contingency. I wish you all the best.

[bus boy]

Welcome, on this site there are different boards you can post on. If you haven't all ready you should check out the co parenting after the split and the family law legal board.