First post...been in legal process for almost 3 years

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

This is my first post. I spend many sleepless nights reading up on Family Law and lose hope when I see how the system is flawed when dealing with mental health issues... .especially BPD. . We have been in court for 2.5 years and have spent $150k so far. We have wiped out everything (yet she continues to "Make money" pocketing high child support and alimony.

My husband's ex wife is undiagnosed BPD. She's textbook. At a young age, her mother alienated her from her bio father. She was raised to think her dad abandoned her. (My mother in law always suspected something so I tracked down the father and of course his version is quite different. My step children aka his grandchildren have even been raised to think he's dead. Yet, he lives 20 miles from us). My husband's ex wife was abusive during their marriage (my husband is non confrontational and very easy going).  She had multiple affairs during their marriage (he was kind and never disclosed to the court during divorce). Two years ago, she filed a police report full of lies to get my husband arrested for stalking (case was dismissed a year later).  Last year, she filed false allegations with DFCS claiming my son molested my step child (we have plenty of evidence to prove it was a court room tactic but cannot disclose deyails here because case is still active). Two years ago, She got engaged to a guy 4 months after meeting him. She got pregnant right away. She convinced her fiancé we were evil. Yet, she threatened to have an abortion at 20 weeks if her fiancé did not fly her up to opening night NBA game (we have this documented). Her fiancé had to call the police on her twice because she used physical force (she's 90 lbs and he's 250 lbs). They eventually broke up and he called us and disclosed everything. It was then that we all realized she was BPD. Everything finally started to make sense. I could list a hundred things she's done... .she's called police on me twice claiming we are keeping kids from her (it'll be our vacation time but she creates scenario that it's over etc). My step kids are 6 and 8. They are told such awful things about us (they confide a lot to us) and she utilizes guilt on them to keep control of them. Both kids have behavior problems (one has ODD and ADHD). One is reading 2 grade levels behind.

We currently have joint custody with standard visitation (every other wknd and 2 weeknights). We got summer vacation increased from 2 to 5 weeks at first trial. Our goal is to be primary custodial so we can provide our home as primary residence and so we have final decision making. Our home is stable, loving and gives them best chance of success. My ex husband and I are best friends so this conflict with my husband's ex is foreign to me. My husband and I live in same neighborhood as my ex. I don't even have a parenting schedule. I have role model post divorce friendship.

My husband loses faith bc we are always playing defense in court. His ex turns everything around and is queen of deflection. I keep praying that the truth will finally surface.

Our first trial was aug 2015 and the focus was blocking her from relocating to another state (to be with ex fiancé). We filed a new case 6 months ago as result of learning the truth about her violence with ex fiancé and her false molestation claim. It's mind bongling that her bio father, her ex husband (my husband) and ex fiancé are all the evil ones... .but they are all caring and loving ppl.

I used to lose sleep fearing she would hire a hit man if we won custody. Tha may sound crazy but I've seen her say and do things that are downright scary.

I've read that ppl have been successful in court but only if they are willing to see it til the end. At times I feel like giving up but then I realize that we still have time to save my husband's children from her sickness.

I do an excellent job documenting everything for our lawyers. Any advice from those in custody battles with BPD mom's?

Sorry for any typos... ,I'm typing this on my phone.

[SBC]

This is my first post. I spend many sleepless nights reading up on Family Law and lose hope when I see how the system is flawed when dealing with mental health issues... .especially BPD. . We have been in court for 2.5 years and have spent $150k so far. We have wiped out everything (yet she continues to "Make money" pocketing high child support and alimony.

My husband's ex wife is undiagnosed BPD. She's textbook. At a young age, her mother alienated her from her bio father. She was raised to think her dad abandoned her. (My mother in law always suspected something so I tracked down the father and of course his version is quite different. My step children aka his grandchildren have even been raised to think he's dead. Yet, he lives 20 miles from us). My husband's ex wife was abusive during their marriage (my husband is non confrontational and very easy going).  She had multiple affairs during their marriage (he was kind and never disclosed to the court during divorce). Two years ago, she filed a police report full of lies to get my husband arrested for stalking (case was dismissed a year later).  Last year, she filed false allegations with DFCS claiming my son molested my step child (we have plenty of evidence to prove it was a court room tactic but cannot disclose deyails here because case is still active). Two years ago, She got engaged to a guy 4 months after meeting him. She got pregnant right away. She convinced her fiancé we were evil. Yet, she threatened to have an abortion at 20 weeks if her fiancé did not fly her up to opening night NBA game (we have this documented). Her fiancé had to call the police on her twice because she used physical force (she's 90 lbs and he's 250 lbs). They eventually broke up and he called us and disclosed everything. It was then that we all realized she was BPD. Everything finally started to make sense. I could list a hundred things she's done... .she's called police on me twice claiming we are keeping kids from her (it'll be our vacation time but she creates scenario that it's over etc). My step kids are 6 and 8. They are told such awful things about us (they confide a lot to us) and she utilizes guilt on them to keep control of them. Both kids have behavior problems (one has ODD and ADHD). One is reading 2 grade levels behind.

We currently have joint custody with standard visitation (every other wknd and 2 weeknights). We got summer vacation increased from 2 to 5 weeks at first trial. Our goal is to be primary custodial so we can provide our home as primary residence and so we have final decision making. Our home is stable, loving and gives them best chance of success. My ex husband and I are best friends so this conflict with my husband's ex is foreign to me. My husband and I live in same neighborhood as my ex. I don't even have a parenting schedule. I have role model post divorce friendship.

My husband loses faith bc we are always playing defense in court. His ex turns everything around and is queen of deflection. I keep praying that the truth will finally surface.

Our first trial was aug 2015 and the focus was blocking her from relocating to another state (to be with ex fiancé). We filed a new case 6 months ago as result of learning the truth about her violence with ex fiancé and her false molestation claim. It's mind bongling that her bio father, her ex husband (my husband) and ex fiancé are all the evil ones... .but they are all caring and loving ppl.

I used to lose sleep fearing she would hire a hit man if we won custody. Tha may sound crazy but I've seen her say and do things that are downright scary.

I've read that ppl have been successful in court but only if they are willing to see it til the end. At times I feel like giving up but then I realize that we still have time to save my husband's children from her sickness.

I do an excellent job documenting everything for our lawyers. Any advice from those in custody battles with BPD mom's?

Sorry for any typos... ,I'm typing this on my phone.

[livednlearned]

Hi SBC,

Wow, $150K 

What has happened since the second trial six months ago, and what is in the motion you filed? Do you have a date scheduled on the court calendar, or is something else supposed to happen? What are your thoughts about the lawyer representing you?

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's tough enough being a step parent, much less trying to make sense of BPD.

LnL

 

[ForeverDad]

What do you think of your lawyer(s)?  Are they the passive, form filer and hand holder types who figure it will end in a settlement.  (Courts and lawyers and everyone around the court favor settlements.)  However there is a point where it is concluded that a settlement would be too much in the PD's favor.  So hopefully you have proactive, assertive lawyer(s) who realize that you don't win by only playing Defense.

Have you read Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy & Randi Kreger?  It is among the many books reviewed on our Book reviews board.  He advocates getting a proactive lawyer.  Yes, the court will allow some grandstanding and delays, even allegations, but you lawyer needs to get that out of the way ASAP.

Could it be that the lawyer is expecting the court to eventually figure out how obstructive, blaming and blacklisting she is?  On the one hand, courts are busy and inclined to let a case just work itself out.  That's what many have experienced here, that courts prefer small gradual fixes rather then one Grand Solution.  On the other hand at some point, sooner than later, the court need to start making some decisions and limiting her ability to delay fixes.  (Her allegations are her way to ruin you all at best (in her mind) and delay the case at worst.  My divorce was 2 years and it took another 6 years of gradual improvements every two to three years before her entitlement balloon got punctured.)

[SBC]

First trial-August 2015. She filed for relocation July 2014 to be with her new fiance (and unborn child with him). December 2015-Judge ruled joint custody but offered two parenting plans (one if she remained in state and the other if she moved). If she moved, we would get all summer and most school holidays. If she stayed, our summer vacation increased from 2 to 5 weeks and we got 1st/3rd/5th weekends (Fri-Mon) and weekday overnights 2nd/4th weeks (and we rotate/split all holidays). So, the good news was that the judge awarded husband more time. However, the GAL recommended that the conflict between parents could only improve with more distance between them (The GAL really liked the fiance and thought he could help her co-parent with my husband. The irony is that she was right about the fiance... .he's a great guy. He wasn't at the trial because they were broken up! Don't get me started that we were paying for a relocation trial and she wasn't even relocating anymore! The ex fiance  is now "on our side" and willing to testify at our next trial. He came clean about everything in April 2016. When he called me, our first phone call was 5 hours. As you can guess, the ex fiance has zero relationship with his child with mom because she won't allow it (since he is now friends with us). So, she will raise her child that his father abandoned him... .just like she thinks her dad abandoned her when she was 5.

In our first case, we were playing defense the entire case. She filed a bogus police report Oct 2014 and was trying to paint a picture that we were harassing and stalking her. Looking back, we would have spent money to fight that immediately and expose her lies. It's insane that people get away with blatant lies in a police report. But, we had a passive lawyer and our focus was to stop her moving 1500 miles away. We insisted on hiring a GAL. Our first mistake-we assumed that if we provided the GAL with a copy of every single text and email, that she would realize that we were not hiding anything and were transparent. In reality, the information overload worked against us. At the time, we didn't realize the extent of mother's issues was BPD so husband would go back and forth with her trying to reason and co parent with her. It led the GAL to conclude that both parents were high conflict. If we had to do it all over again, we would have just provided the GAL with a high level overview. We were afraid to expose her ugly behavior because we thought taking the high road would shine brighter.

Two weeks before trial, we fired our passive lawyer and hired a bad ass. Had he been our lawyer from the beginning, there's no doubt my husband would have won. Her BPD would have surfaced right away (the first lawyer didn't do discovery or depositions! I cringe thinking how horrible she was.) First lawyer was about $40k (12 months) and 2nd lawyer and his co-counsel was $50K for trial. He was a rock star and was worth it.

After trial, things got "interesting"... .2 months after trial (and still no ruling), my step son confides in us that the fiance called the police on his mom over the summer with all the kids home. Sure enough, he was telling the truth and we had police report. GAL tried to update the judge but the judge was not interested to hear evidence after trial (even though it involved domestic violence).

Then, things got "ugly" before judge issued ruling on 12/28... .(for the legal nerds... .the words "nunc pro tunc" became relevant for a new motion). The mom became desperate to force a decision from the court.  In textbook BPD fashion, during the week of Christmas, the mom called DFCS and accused my son of molestation and police were immediately at our house (with all children home). Looking back, I am so proud of myself for holding myself together. I realized the best way to protect my son and my step children was to expose this sick false allegation. Since our 2nd case is currently active, I cannot disclose our evidence... .but her day will come in court and I wish I could play lawyer and handle the direct exam and cross exam. My only advice for those going through it is never stop analyzing, thinking and researching. Even when you feel like you've brainstormed everything... .some of the most simple dots to connect are right in front of you. When our case is over, I plan to go into extensive detail on ways to uncover helpful things to fight a false allegation of this manner. One fortunate aspect to this matter is that the police dismissed the case immediately after all the children were interviewed.

Fast forward 2 days later... .things got "crazy"... .it's worth noting that I never allowed my husband to pick up his children without my presence because I truly feared mom would beat herself up and accuse him of attacking her. However, someone up above was watching over us this next incident. During the middle of our Christmas week, it was mom's birthday so the boys had parenting time with her that afternoon. I could not stomach to ride with my husband to pick up my step children. I was afraid of what sick games she had in mind next. So, I made my husband promise me that he would tape record the pick up (HIGHLY recommend having a recorder handy to defend yourself against BPDs accusations.) So, picture this: grandmother meets my husband in the neighborhood pool parking lot (mom and her mother live together). It's pouring down rain. Grandmother leaves the parking lot. Recorder is still recording. About a minute later, you hear my husband say "oh no. what is this". The mom blocks his car in and she starts honking. She opens the car door and screams the most awful things in front of my step kids. Without going into detail, the things she screams further prove that the molestation accusation was false. She unbuckles their seat belts and takes my 6 and 8 year old step children away. My husband knew to not stop her and create a scene. He called the police and they were surprisingly willing to help even though it was a civil matter. What scares me the most about all of this was that the mom blocked our car in assuming I was in the car. I know in my heart that her plan was to create a scene that would prompt me to try and stop her from taking the kids out of the car. And, she's probably right. I admire my husband for staying calm but I would have tried to stop her. It's common sense that if she didn't want the boys to go back to our house, she would not have handed them back over and then kidnapped them minutes later.

So, here we are 12/23... .no ruling from court and we learn of domestic violence, she's filed molestation charges and she kidnapped the boys. Our lawyer was drafting the papers for an emergency hearing. I kid you not: my husband is literally at the police station to gather the documents needed to file the emergency hearing the next morning and we get the dreaded phone call: the judge signed the final order. Our hearts sank. We were hours from filing our emergency hearing.

The next weeks were a blur and then we learned a painful matter. Any event that took place after the trial and before the ruling could never be used for any future litigation. So, we had no choice but to file a motion to nunc pro tunc the judge's order to make the order effective right after the trial. We also tried the route of motion for new trial and reconsideration but the judge made it clear that she felt the new evidence was better suited if we filed a new trial in the county the mom lived. It's worth noting that even the GAL testified at the motion for new trial and reconsideration that our new evidence would have impacted her previous recommendation. Nothing like being told the GAL would change her mind but the judge doesn't care (and the judge admitted in her original ruling that she was relying heavily on the GAL's recommendation. This phase was another $18k.

So, here we are now... .we filed our case in the county mom resides based upon material change of circumstance. Our bad ass lawyer (aka lawyer number 2) referred us to another lawyer for this case (it's in a small town and it's much better to hire a local lawyer). The mom hated lawyer number 2 so we all joke that we might bring him in the trial as co counsel to send her over the edge. Current status-We are in the middle of discovery and interrogatories. Mom's lawyer keeps filing stupid motions to try and dismiss the case. How crazy is this---they initiate discovery. We comply and answer everything. So, then we submit our discovery and interrogatories. Rather than answer, they file a motion to dismiss the case. Their reason: judge from last trial hasn't signed the "final" final order where she back dated the ruling to allow the new evidence for future litigation. We have the transcript. It's finalized. How typical of a BPD to refuse to answer discovery after they are the ones who initiated the process.

Important element-Ex fiance is willing to testify to everything (he had to call police on her a second time after she attacked him... .he's been so afraid of her that she would stab him if a knife was in the room... .the list is long). The ex fiance's therapist educated him about BPD. Once he opened up to us, we all put the pieces of the puzzle together.  Even though our problems still haunt us daily, it was so therapeutic to learn about BPD and realize that our story is so identical to others. I get goosebumps when I read what other people go through. I used to work full time but there's no way I could manage a job and be the glue that keeps our family together. My husband struggles when he sees the damage the mother has done. I devote my time and energy to be a supportive wife. The sleepless nights take a toll on my but I know in my heart that fighting for his kids is the right thing to do. They are young enough that we can still give them a chance of success in life. They both have behavior problems and are extremely behind with academics. Her ability to turn them against us is losing effect and she now utilizes guilt to win their love. I spend a lot of time researching the right way to parent under these circumstances. We take the high road and behave in ways that the children will look back and remember that we are "the good guys". If the system fails us at the next trial, at least we will have documented the truth. Because without documentation, "it never happened".

Once our case is over, I will be anxious to share more details of our case in hopes that someone out there will benefit from hearing our story. I find that we can all learn from each other. We are one of the crazy ones willing to fight this til the end. We have accumulated a considerable amount of debt but the damage to the boys will be permanent if we walked away.

Sorry for rambling... .I never share much with my family and friends because no one seems to understand what life is really like when dealing with a BPD.

[livednlearned]

Ugh, that's one long blazing trail of pain. I'm so sorry you went through it, and still have a ways to go.

I fought mine to the bitter end too and eventually won full custody, but wow was it gruesome. I had a good judge and excellent lawyer and even so, it cost a lot of money and enough stress for a lifetime.

It says a lot about you that you're working hard to raise emotionally resilient kids and in it to win it, so to speak. Those boys are lucky to have a step mama as supportive and determined as you are.

There are some good books in Lesson 5 on the Coparenting board about raising an emotionally resilient child when one parent has BPD. They may be similar to what you are reading --some are specific to BPD. The one that changed my life was Bill Eddy's Don't Alienate the Kids -- I was so focused on how crazy my ex was, I wasn't paying attention to my own anxiety and how my behaviors and responses to his dad were affecting my son.

I hope you do share what you've learned. Lots of people read here and never post, though I suspect they learn and apply things to their own cases.

One thing I've come to understand is that not all people with BPD are high-conflict personalities (HCPs, as Bill Eddy refers to them). HCPs are what most of us here on Family Law are dealing with. They have a PD, find a target of blame, recruit negative advocates, and are persuasive blamers.

My SO's D19 is BPD/bipolar and not wired for the kinds of things my ex did.

It really depends on what dysfunctional behaviors they resort to in trying to cope with extreme distress. Unfortunately for us, we are dealing with the kind of people who use the legal system to ensure the internal chaos, crisis, and conflict they experience is matched externally.

[ForeverDad]

An order on 12/28... .I had that happen to me, a decision was due 60 days from a mid-October 2-day trial and it was late, issued 12/30, a Friday.  I concluded that either (1) the judges like to clear as many cases by year end or (2) she wanted to delay the decision until after the holidays.

I hadn't heard of "nunc pro tunc" before so thanks for the heads up here.  There's a couple lawyers scattered among the membership but we're all here to share informed peer support, legal advice is from your local lawyer.  Too often strategies and goals are missing in our cases.  What we excel at in peer support is sharing our stories, what worked for us and what didn't and why.  So many arrive here that expect common sense and a justice system but report they're so confounded and stymied by the disconnect and virtual powerlessness of the judicial system.  The court system and professionals dealing with it expect all cases to result in settlements but our cases require at least some judicial decisions.

Once the worst of your problems are in the past, we invite you to continue reading and sharing, there are always new members arriving and it's a joy to Pay It Forward.