New to the group and need help...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello Everyone,
I'm new to this group and don't even know where to start, where to turn or what to do!  I need help!  I have been in this relationship --which as embarrassing as it is to admit, started as an affair -- for four years now.  We both ended up leaving our significant others to be with each other.  After many years of trying to figure out what the heck was going on, we ended up in couples therapy.  Well, he only went two or three times.  The therapist had told me that he exhibits a lot of the symptoms of BPD, which I see some after reading everything I can get my hands on about BPD and that he's verbally abusive with controlling tendencies.  Halfway through the relationship at the two year mark I found out that he had been on a RELIGIOUS dating website.  I was crushed.  Him claiming it was just to talk... yeah right. 
I left him but only to be talked back into reuniting with him after only a month of being gone.  I am at a point to where I feel crazy, betrayed, I'm becoming paranoid about always wondering if he is cheating, just a lot of emotions.  When we are in conflict which is just about every two or three days or he is having an "episode" it usually ends up with him hanging up on me or him abruptly ending the conversation followed by hours or sometimes days of him not contacting me.  I used to chase after him and call and text all to be ignored or have some crappy comment in return from him, until he was ready to talk.  Now I don't contact him when that happens.  I feel a lot of resentment and feel like me contacting him re-enforces his crappy behavior towards me.   And I don't help any when these conflicts occur because at some point I end up losing it with him and I'm the idiot by the end of the conversation b/c I'm yelling and screaming (in survival mode) trying to prove my point of how irrational he is being.  He thinks because he doesn't raise his voice and has zero inflection in his tone, that what he says is appropriate or "I''m just not listening."  His excuse for not contacting me is it "lets things cool down" and then nothing bad can be said.   When he resurfaces is demeanor is one extreme or the other,  he is loving and/or apologetic but still refuses to talk about what happened in the first place.  He tells me to give it a rest which leaves me feeling a lot of negative emotions and feeling unheard or he resurfaces accusing me of cheating or that I'm off getting validation and running around, etc.    Just crazy stuff.  It's almost like I am so overwhelmed I can't even begin to explain or describe everything that goes on in this relationship.  It's like verbal abuse one day or a BPD episode or both. 
One day I have my mind made up to leave then the next I'm crying and trying to figure out what to do because I love this man.  I feel as screwed up as he is... .what's wrong with me that I stay in this chaos and is it even fixable?  I have seen change in him since I have somewhat set boundaries, not that I stick to them all the time.  I can say I'm done and leaving and he is like, yeah, ok blah blah blah... .I don't even know where to start detangling this mess and decide whether to stay or go or am I in just complete denial because of my emotional ties?  I'm sure this is WAY TOO LONG but does any of this sound familiar?  All I know is I need help and I don't know where to start or what to do!

[eak]

Hello Everyone,
I'm new to this group and don't even know where to start, where to turn or what to do!  I need help!  I have been in this relationship --which as embarrassing as it is to admit, started as an affair -- for four years now.  We both ended up leaving our significant others to be with each other.  After many years of trying to figure out what the heck was going on, we ended up in couples therapy.  Well, he only went two or three times.  The therapist had told me that he exhibits a lot of the symptoms of BPD, which I see some after reading everything I can get my hands on about BPD and that he's verbally abusive with controlling tendencies.  Halfway through the relationship at the two year mark I found out that he had been on a RELIGIOUS dating website.  I was crushed.  Him claiming it was just to talk... yeah right. 
I left him but only to be talked back into reuniting with him after only a month of being gone.  I am at a point to where I feel crazy, betrayed, I'm becoming paranoid about always wondering if he is cheating, just a lot of emotions.  When we are in conflict which is just about every two or three days or he is having an "episode" it usually ends up with him hanging up on me or him abruptly ending the conversation followed by hours or sometimes days of him not contacting me.  I used to chase after him and call and text all to be ignored or have some crappy comment in return from him, until he was ready to talk.  Now I don't contact him when that happens.  I feel a lot of resentment and feel like me contacting him re-enforces his crappy behavior towards me.   And I don't help any when these conflicts occur because at some point I end up losing it with him and I'm the idiot by the end of the conversation b/c I'm yelling and screaming (in survival mode) trying to prove my point of how irrational he is being.  He thinks because he doesn't raise his voice and has zero inflection in his tone, that what he says is appropriate or "I''m just not listening."  His excuse for not contacting me is it "lets things cool down" and then nothing bad can be said.   When he resurfaces is demeanor is one extreme or the other,  he is loving and/or apologetic but still refuses to talk about what happened in the first place.  He tells me to give it a rest which leaves me feeling a lot of negative emotions and feeling unheard or he resurfaces accusing me of cheating or that I'm off getting validation and running around, etc.    Just crazy stuff.  It's almost like I am so overwhelmed I can't even begin to explain or describe everything that goes on in this relationship.  It's like verbal abuse one day or a BPD episode or both. 
One day I have my mind made up to leave then the next I'm crying and trying to figure out what to do because I love this man.  I feel as screwed up as he is... .what's wrong with me that I stay in this chaos and is it even fixable?  I have seen change in him since I have somewhat set boundaries, not that I stick to them all the time.  I can say I'm done and leaving and he is like, yeah, ok blah blah blah... .I don't even know where to start detangling this mess and decide whether to stay or go or am I in just complete denial because of my emotional ties?  I'm sure this is WAY TOO LONG but does any of this sound familiar?  All I know is I need help and I don't know where to start or what to do!

[ynwa]

Hello Eak,

You are going through a lot, and it's understandable.  It seems you are trying to be mindful of your behaviors and part in the relationship.  I have found the articles on the site to be very helpful and validating.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey eak, Welcome!  You've come to the right place.  The dynamic you describe is quite familiar to me and common for a r/s with a pwBPD.  Often we stay in a BPD r/s longer than is healthy, for complex reasons.  I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.  What would you like to see happen?  In order to make progress, the first step generally involves returning the focus to oneself and what is right for you, which is often ignored in the throes of a BPD r/s.

LuckyJim

[eak]

First, let me thank both of you for taking the time to respond to my post!  Lucky Jim asked me what would I like to see happen... .Well, I would like to see happen is I would like to become the best "me" I can be, not only for myself but for my son.  I want to be healthy and happy and set a healthy example for my son.  I guess sometimes you just need a little direction and help from people in your situation. Especially when you decide to accept what's really going on in your life!   I never dreamed this is where I would be at this point in my life.  It's so deflating and depressing but I guess the only way to go from here is up!

[lovenature]

Hey eak

Ya it sounds very familiar. You know how hard you have tried to make it work, what it has done to you, where it is at now; try listing all of the good vs. the bad in your relationship. You can read postings on the detaching board and the improving board to see how others feel.
From what I have learned a PWBPD can only manage (not cure) their intense emotions and behaviours through YEARS of the right therapy, and if they aren't committed to therapy there is no way the relationship can be healthy enough to be worthwhile.

Look after yourself.

[eak]

I have a question:  Is it normal to be hypersensitive to every little thing said even if it's NOT coming from the pwBPD?  It seems like my mind is running a million directions when someone says something to me, like I'm over analyzing any comment or gesture anybody makes to me.  My bf (undiagnosed BPD) makes comments or says things that are open-ended statements or comments.  It's like he always gives himself a way out.  One time he will make a comment and mean it and then the next time he will say the exact same thing and then try and say, oh, I was just joking.  Then follow it with you are so consumed with anger.  You can't even joke. Relax!
I swear it gives me major anxiety.  I've noticed I drink all the time and I've noticed that I can't be around my bf and be completely relaxed for fear of the unknown.

Does anyone else experience this dealing w the pwBPD?

[ynwa]

Hello eak, 

I am very new to the board myself, and you are asking yourself many of the questions I want to ask.

You ask what is normal?   I'm sure everyone has an experience that has evoked that feeling.  I understand your comment as to feeling "hypersensitive" as well.  I fell that way often, and am trying to find what is too much.

You are experiencing emotions from someone who is the literal definition of hypersensitive.  A pure flood of it all, and its often directed at you.  I have seen it, heard it and physically felt it, and been in awe. 

Your boundaries, your decisions, your understanding are YOUR normal and you have to accept your pwBPD has less control on that flood which at times might be their normal and we only see a small part of what they experience.




And a few minutes later, it's gone and she is crying and telling me I have pushed the buttons and caused this.

[lovenature]

Yes eak, many have experienced the hypersensitivity and analyzing, anxiety, questioning many things, etc. It basically is referred to as "fleas" we get from being involved with a PWBPD and constantly walking on egg shells trying to please them and avoid the next rage, insult, etc.

The longer we maintain NC, the more we get back to normal.

[Lucky Jim]

I swear it gives me major anxiety.  I've noticed I drink all the time and I've noticed that I can't be around my bf and be completely relaxed for fear of the unknown.

Does anyone else experience this dealing w the pwBPD?

Hey eat, Sure, that's typical for a BPD r/s, waiting for the axe to fall, so-to-speak.  A storm cloud can appear out of a clear blue sky.

Question is: do you want to live like this?

LuckyJim

[eak]

No, Lucky Jim,  I don't want to live like this!  I feel so stuck and scared and then I question my own decision making.  I guess I'm so consumed with am I making the right decisions and actually why and how did I ever end up in a situation like this! 
So frustrating!  How do you even begin to untangle this web and start decision making?

[ynwa]

Hey eak,

You sound like you are actually starting to take the steps. I myself a new to being aware to BPD. I've been trying a mix of the knowledge on here, reading a book on BPD, talking to friends and then sitting with myself.

There is no way to turn my brain off about this, so I'm trying to at least use that focus in helpful way. 

[lovenature]

How do you even begin to untangle this web and start decision making?

You have already started by making the decision you don't want this anymore, there is a huge gap between a flicker of hope and no hope at all, good for you in committing to detach.
Stay NC so you don't go back into the FOG, continue reading, learning, posting. When you have learned enough about BPD, start looking into why you stayed in an unhealthy relationship.

[lovenature]

There is no way to turn my brain off about this, so I'm trying to at least use that focus in helpful way.

Spot on! I did the same, and I found the more I learned, the clearer things became.

Good for you ynwa.

[Lucky Jim]

How do you even begin to untangle this web and start decision making?

Hello again, Eaks, The place to start, I suggest, is by returning to center.  You are the expert on you.  Focus on owning your own feelings and needs.  Strive to be authentic.  Listen to your gut feelings.  Be yourself.  Does that make sense?

LJ