How do you win in this situation?

[Depression = 72% of members]

So basically I have come to the conclusion that you can never win with a BPD.

That was my whole struggle through my whole relationship and now... .

She has the power over me by staying silent.

If at some point she decides to contact me and I answer then she still wins because she knows that I still want to be apart of her life.

And if I don't answer. I still lose because she isn't apart of my life.

This has been my biggest struggle of detaching.

I am proud of myself today tho! I unfriended her friends and family on FB and I threw away this heart that gave me hope she would return.  The next step is the blanket she made me.

[Shedd]

So basically I have come to the conclusion that you can never win with a BPD.

That was my whole struggle through my whole relationship and now... .

She has the power over me by staying silent.

If at some point she decides to contact me and I answer then she still wins because she knows that I still want to be apart of her life.

And if I don't answer. I still lose because she isn't apart of my life.

This has been my biggest struggle of detaching.

I am proud of myself today tho! I unfriended her friends and family on FB and I threw away this heart that gave me hope she would return.  The next step is the blanket she made me.

[talks to angels]

Understand the hurt you are expressing. Last couple days though have been trying to change my thought process about the silent treatment my ex currently is doing to me.  I am looking at as a win, as I dont have to hear his history revision any more. Have you thought that maybe it is a win that she is not in your life? I know our emotions get in the way of that thought and it hurts, but if your were not in a romantic relationship with her, would you have a friend who treated you like that?

[Hisaccount]

Good for you. Let go of those memories. I too am trying to get rid of them everyday.
I am sorry. I know how rough it is.

No you can never win. Cut your loses and go.

[Shedd]

 I am looking at as a win, as I dont have to hear his history revision any more. Have you thought that maybe it is a win that she is not in your life? I know our emotions get in the way of that thought and it hurts, but if your were not in a romantic relationship with her, would you have a friend who treated you like that?

That is a very good point! Thank you! I never thought about that.

I would ultimately like to be friends with her again, but major boundaries would have to be set in order to do so.

I know she is really trying to get better so that's the only reason why I would even consider being her friend again. I've heard from people she seems to be improving so I am hopeful that she will recover. If that is the case, then yes, I would like to be in her life.

[enlighten me]

I used to think of it as win/ lose. Then I realised that this was the wrong thing to do. It only becomes win lose if your competing. The whole mind-set of it being a competition held me back.

Once you stop competing and just get on with your life, don't worry about what they think of you then it becomes easier. Or at least it did for me.

One thing that struck me was did my ex see it as a competition? If she wasn't competing (as she was idolising someone else) then who was I competing with?

[Shedd]

One thing that struck me was did my ex see it as a competition? If she wasn't competing (as she was idolising someone else) then who was I competing with?

Wow, rings a bell for me.

My ex said she could never lose. If she did she would get upset, but you also couldn't let her win. I guess I didn't think of our relationship as being something to win as she had me completely enthralled, but she had me blinded.

[talks to angels]

I have wondered the same thing. Think that they were competing with their own mind.  They do something unacceptable, so they have to win the argument so that in their mind they are justified.

[enlighten me]

I think the winning thing is more to do with low self esteem. If they where right then they where better so they weren't worthless. It makes them feel special.

For me its about how things spiral with pwBPD. My exgf hated the word nice. Nice meant it was ok. If it was ok then it wasn't special. If it wasn't special then it wasn't good. If it wasn't good it was bad. If it was bad it was terrible.

[bus boy]

I think they have to win on everything. This is just a simple thing, but even playing cards or a board game with xw was a competition, had to win, took all the fun out of a game. If she lost, poor looser, if she won she was a poor winner, like haha I won you lost.

[Pretty Woman]

Yeah but no one wins in this type of relationship. No one. Don't think for a second
Your ex is "winning".

Your ex is stuck in a perpetual state of adolescent emotions. I can only imagine the hell that is her life.

Don't get me wrong, I am not sympathizing. Many of these people know what they are doing is wrong yet rarely seek help to fix the problem, instead they inflict pain on others. . I'm just saying you have the capacity to thrive, your ex doesn't.

It's time to focus on you. Right now you are focusing on your ex and comparing your lives. There is no comparison... .

You have places to go and things to do. She is like a broken record stuck on the same song. 

[Confused#9999]

Damn pretty woman, your answers are always spot on.

[Naddred369]

You win by not engaging.  You win by not getting involved.  You win by letting go.  You win by moving forward with your life. You win by never, ever being recycled.  pretty woman is right.  :)on't engage.  don't play and you win! Put it to memory and the pain will end.  Ish!

[Duped 1]

Thanks for that PW! I took a screenshot and am saving that one!