Step-parent in the way of treatment? Anyone dealt with this?

[Leaflet]

My Mom had a total breakdown over Christmas. She was right at the point of wanting to seek treatment. (At least she said she was.) Instead of taking her to the doctor, my step-father wrote her a prescription for an antidepressant and took her on vacation for a couple of weeks. He won't let her talk to my sister or I without him present because he says, "she gets too emotional when she talks to us." She will call back if I call her, but only with him there. After the vacation, he's taking my mom to see her mother, who is a BPD alcoholic. The three of them together are like a trifecta of personality disorders. When I did speak to my Mom she said she's not going to be able to seek treatment until the end of the month because she's on vacation, but she did say she's made the appointments. Whatever is going on with her right now is making her extremely volatile. I'm very concerned. Has anyone else had a parent or step-parent block access to their BPD parent like this?

I'm at the point in my relationship with my Mom where I am ready to break ties or put up very strong boundaries to protect my daughter from her and her husband. I've been waiting to see how treatment goes to decide how to proceed. I'm also really concerned that her husband is npd or antisocial. He's always done really underhanded things to me, like lie about my actions, and lie about money. Honestly, I'm a bit afraid of him and what he's doing to my Mom.

Here is an example of something he lied about: I was staying with them one Christmas, and my daughter was an infant. She was consistently waking up at 5 AM, so I would get up with her and straighten the kitchen, empty the dishwasher, etc. to kill time until my daughter got tired. She'd go back down about 7:30 AM, so I would too. (You know, sleep when the baby sleeps!) We'd usually be back up around 9:30 or 10 and go downstairs. Everyone seemed angry with me when I'd go down there, and I couldn't figure out why. It turned out my step-dad told my mom and grandmother that I was leaving the kitchen filthy, and he was emptying the dishwasher and cleaning it up to help out my mom before she woke up in the morning. I've also heard him call his granddaughters bulimic (they're not) ___es. He's just underhanded and spiteful.

Does anyone have any advice about this kind of person, or can they relate?

[HappyChappy]

Hi Leaflet,

My my BPD went for diagnosis. It was a long campaign where she had mostly talked my Dad into believing it would cause more problems than it would cure. But she then did something that these days would lead to her losing her kids, and she could not hide or explain it away. So she went, and  harangued the health service so much, they bundled her out with a bunch of sedatives  and apparently no diagnosis or need to follow up.

I’m not suggesting this applies in your case, as we only have a snapshot of the situation, but you asked for others experience. I have often read that it is very uncommon for a BPD , especially once they get older, to go through with therapy . They may give the outwardly appearance that they are going along with it, but often find a way of sabotaging, which would include doing this by proxy. Is it possible that is at play here ?

I read one report from the UK, even after diagnosis, BPD are more likely to play games with their Therapist than to use it as a cure. Hence in the UK, group therapy appears to works better for BPD than one to one.  That way the blame isn't on them, its on the group. You can lead a horse to water, but they tend to drink if others horses are drinking.

With respect to your mother’s husband the example you give does not rule him out, but isn’t enough to be sure. However, it is common for NPD and BPD to pair up (Liz Taylor & Richard Burton style).  An overt NPD will tend to pay a great deal of attention to their appearance (by comparison to others their age and gender) and over egg  self promotion. They are hungry for Narcisstic supply and tend to plan their manipulation more than a BPD. For example, one NPD I know, has a 6ft high photo of himself as you walk into his business. With his self penned, self published book of his biog on a table (free to take).  

Anyway I hope this helps.  But from what you say, it sounds like you should focus on your own health right now, as this must be very stressful for you. What would you like to do, to make things more manageable for yourself ?  

[Leaflet]

HappyChappy,

I've been seeing a therapist regularly to help deal with this. I also see my psychiatrist to deal with anxiety and depression. I quit drinking alcohol because it makes me more depressed, and I make bad decisions when I drink. I've spent a lot of time learning about boundaries, and what's appropriate and inappropriate. (This is still a difficult area for me, as I never saw healthy boundaries growing up.) I also focus on keeping a calm and stable environment for my daughter. It's currently my greatest wish to avoid passing this dysfunction on to her. Working on myself helps a lot. I've learned to avoid my Mom at special occasions, but she hasn't fallen apart in a few years. I thought maybe she was getting better, and then, this Fall she started showing signs that she was cycling back into destructive tendencies. Her husband became upset with her for spending too much money, she became obsessed with the presidential election to the point of getting in fights with other family members, and she seemed way more intense than usual. We'd already made plans for Christmas, so I didn't want to back out, but I told my therapist that I was expecting some kind of disruption. So, we prepared for that.

I definitely think that sabotaging treatment by proxy sounds like my Mom, and I wouldn't put it past her. I hadn't thought of that, but it could certainly be happening.

I'm giving the situation some time to see how it pans out. I can never predict what my mom will do, but I'm prepared to go no contact if I see this continue. My therapist mentioned that, for now, I can tell my daughter that my Mom is out of town if my daughter asks. It's always hard to gauge what to do. I was so used to the emotional abuse growing up, that I failed to recognize it for several years in my first marriage. Then, I had a therapist that showed me the violence wheel, and I recognized a lot of my mom and my xh in it. So, I'm doing my best to heal and learn what healthy relationships look like.