She reached out NYE

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My BPDex managed to get a message through to me last night (I've blocked her everywhere.) To recap, we were together for 2 years. She's been officially diagnosed with BPD, Antisocial PD, and Bipolar. The 2 years were tough, a lot of abuse and manipulation, her trying to convince me I had BPD and was abusive to her while she cut me off from friends and controlled me. Had suspicions about a friend in the spring, she assured me there was nothing going on. She asked for an open relationship late summer and berated me for not "supporting her healing from past sexual trauma through 'sex therapy'." I later found out they'd been sleeping together for most of the year and she was, I suspect, retroactively asking to be open so I wouldn't leave.

She messaged me via Ticketmaster for some NYE tickets we'd bought, saying "I don't understand my life without you in it."

I want to reply, to run to her as fast as I can, to be with her. I'd been thinking she was over me and with this guy, not hurting at all. This feels like validation that I'm not the only one in pain and that maybe she really does love me. But I know this isn't healthy and doesn't change that she cheated, made me feel guilty for not supporting her in that, and abused me.

[sabriega]

My BPDex managed to get a message through to me last night (I've blocked her everywhere.) To recap, we were together for 2 years. She's been officially diagnosed with BPD, Antisocial PD, and Bipolar. The 2 years were tough, a lot of abuse and manipulation, her trying to convince me I had BPD and was abusive to her while she cut me off from friends and controlled me. Had suspicions about a friend in the spring, she assured me there was nothing going on. She asked for an open relationship late summer and berated me for not "supporting her healing from past sexual trauma through 'sex therapy'." I later found out they'd been sleeping together for most of the year and she was, I suspect, retroactively asking to be open so I wouldn't leave.

She messaged me via Ticketmaster for some NYE tickets we'd bought, saying "I don't understand my life without you in it."

I want to reply, to run to her as fast as I can, to be with her. I'd been thinking she was over me and with this guy, not hurting at all. This feels like validation that I'm not the only one in pain and that maybe she really does love me. But I know this isn't healthy and doesn't change that she cheated, made me feel guilty for not supporting her in that, and abused me.

[Mutt]

Hi sabriega,

I bet that message triggered a lot of anxiety. I think many of us can relate with you when there's a part of that thinks that maybe she get I'll better, am I blowing a chance that it really this time?

I think that you posted a pretty balanced perspective, one the hand you care for her. As dysfunctional as some of our exes are, they meant something us despite that. On the other hand, you know that if you go back, things will not have changed. Hang in there.

[Keef]

Hi sabriega.

I can relate to your post even though you and I are coming from different places (my ex was still being 'evaluated' when she dumped me, but I can't think of a more fitting disorder than BPD, and she is also bipolar II which makes for much instability).

If this happened to me, coming from a recent and certain break up, I'd feel the same thing. A message like that would certainly trigger my wanting to see my ex.

My ex asked for an open relationship quite early on in our 1 yr r/s. I said no to that, for personal reasons (and in hindsight probably as a way of trying to change her). I couldn't believe it the first time she made that "proposition" - which later on turned into near demand, which then turned into clear threats of sleeping with others. Will never know if she actually went that far.

This said, and with admitting my own conflicting feelings towards the recent break-up, and with lots of healing still to do:
I know this yearning, but my friend please try to distract yourself from pining for her company. You are admitting here that you've been hurt, and that is really important.

I'm aware of that this isn't really advisory as such. Just wanted to pitch in and tell you I know how it feels, and that running back (if even possible) surely would invite further hurt. She betrayed you.

Take care, keep posting here
Keef

[sabriega]

Thank you for your replies. My heart hurts, I love her so much and just want to be with her. I have therapy on Tuesday and feel grateful to have that outlet and support soon, am trying to remind myself of the extreme difficulties of trying to make things work with BPD's to try and keep myself strong. I'd wanted some shred of evidence that she wanted me back so badly, but now have to sit with this agonizing ache.

Also reminding myself that her message is so vague - it takes no responsibility for her lying and cheating, and doesn't even take a stance on HOW she wants me back in her life. Telling myself that it may be classic manipulation, but man, this is so unbelievably hard.

[Keef]

 

doesn't even take a stance on HOW she wants me back in her life.

Precisely.

My ex wrote "I miss you" one week after sending me a blaming and irritated e-mail. My first thought was "Oh eer you'll have to do better than that", even though it hurt very much and made me want to see her (it's like pwBPD express their feelings/thoughts only through negativity, only then are their expressions elaborate, but certainly not at all times even then... It all seems to take place in a negative space or something... .I think it's more than uncanny. It's bound to confuse us).

Your ex's feelings, like my ex's, are likely all over the place, especially it having been Christmas and all.

We can only take responsibility for our own behaviour and how we act on our emotions. Stay calm and on the road.

[Keef]

I'd be on my watch if my ex was diagnosed with ASPD. That's known as a really difficult one sabriega.

Best,

[jhkbuzz]

My ex didn't try to get in touch with me after I went no contact - and I can only imagine how difficult it would have been to resist re-engaging (closer to the beginning of n/c) if she had.     Hang in there because it's also important that you're:

Also reminding myself that her message is so vague - it takes no responsibility for her lying and cheating, and doesn't even take a stance on HOW she wants me back in her life.

That ^ is exactly on the money, and it's exactly how you can remind yourself not to get pulled back in. This is someone who lacks moral character - due to the disorder, most likely - but someone who is willing to lie and cheat despite the fact that she doesn't "... .understand my life without you in it."  Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

Here's the real question (and one I had to ask myself as well): are you willing to be in a relationship with someone who lies and cheats? Because if you got back together, there's no doubt that it would eventually happen again. I'm not being bitter or angry here; it's just the truth. Like Maya Angelou said, when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

Is infidelity a deal breaker for you?

[lovenature]

Do you really want to "run" back to this abuse? Do you think you deserve it and no one will treat you better?

[Pretty Woman]

 

Thank you for posting here. I know how badly you feel but keep in mind she DID abuse you and allowing her back will also show her she can get away with anything and you will take her back. It only enables.

If you truly care about her the best thing to do is let her go. It sucks but your love will always be one- sided.

When my ex finally replaced me, she was telling me she was madly in love with this person after less than a week... .all the while calling me, asking me to go for a beer and ending our calls with, "I love you", just to keep me in agony.

The best thing she did is go NC and hook up with this person. I have not spoken to her in 2yrs and while I still hurt it's nowhere near as bad as when she was still putting out feelers and using me.

They don't change. Please don't do what I did and respond. It will be good for awhile and then wham! It is worse each time you let them back in.

Lock the door to your heart and only give the key to people who have earned it. Seriously, I beg you. I don't want to see you get hurt again.

 

[Confused#9999]

You're right pretty woman, about the behavior being worse. After we got back together after the first time she broke it off over non-sense reasons, I believe her coldness and distance got worse. That first week after being back together was awesome. She was so sweet and attentive, Skyped 3 days that week, we live an hour away, etc etc. Next week was business as usual. Push and coldness.
It's very hard to wrap the mind around the fact that their brain is different and that things are different for them. The drama that she stated but blamed me was just crazy making. I believe that was part of Gaslighting.

[Pretty Woman]

Confused,
  If it helps, I know a few of my ex's exes and she kept about four in rotation. She would completely ignore them when she was in the infatuation love-bombing stage with a new "victim" as soon as cracks started to show, as no relationship is perfect, she would start hanging out with them again. Some as friends, others as cheating partners. These people stayed in the circle and allowed themselves to be used over and over again... .sometimes for years.


I was left for two of my ex's exes and twice she left them for me. She called each one the "love of her life".

It never changes until YOU want out and are sick and tired of being sick and tired. Only you can cut the ties and keep those ties severed. It really is self-preservation. It's not about your ex... .it's about you and your sanity.

 

[Grey Kitty]

Yes, she still has some feelings for you... .probably as confused and conflicted as she did in the time you were together.

And that's all she is telling you with this contact.

Reminds me of when my stbexwife was reaching out to me after blowing up our marriage by cheating. And especially the feeling I had when she did it. She said something like "Maybe we shouldn't go through with the final divorce stuff."

I'd like to draw attention to the complete lack of an apology for her behavior in that.

I was still reeling in many ways. I still loved her, and even do today, almost two years later. My thought at the time was:

"Maybe it isn't too late, but this sure as f*** is too little."

If she cannot acknowledge that she harmed you, cannot understand how she did it, and cannot apologize for it, can you expect her to behave any differently if you do reconcile?

[sabriega]

Thank you all so much for your messages. I'm so very sorry so many of you have been through the ringer so many times but it helps to read reminders that it never gets better and that, often times, we're mourning people who never really existed.

Reminding myself constantly that she cheated for months, lied to my face about it, told me to cut off contact with the other couple because she'd been "giving the guy advice and the gf found out and she didn't want their toxicity effecting us" so that I wouldn't find out via the gf. All the while constantly jealous of my hanging out with friends and even walking other women's dogs! (I do dog-walking for extra income and for puppy therapy until I can get my own.) Not only has this put me through emotional agony, but she's also put my health in danger as I suspect there were others and who knows if she used protection.

That isn't love, none of what we've experienced is love and it helps to know I'm not wrong or crazy, like I felt for all these years.