I love this. It's a perfect summary. I'd just add that if you get it all right, you're damned for being so "saintly" or trying to look good next to the pwBPD.
It is exhausting being with someone who acts like this and who has all of these needs.
I'm sure I could think of more, like you couldn't explain why you react. If you offer an explanation, that's being defensive. If you bring up an example of her bad behavior, you're making a big deal out of something that only happened once. If you say that it's a pattern, you're engaging in all or nothing catastrophic thinking. If you give multiple examples, then you're holding onto bad things to ambush her with.
I think the thing that really wore me out wasn't just the complex set of needs, but the sinking realization that there never was an answer. For the longest time I kept thinking if I could just figure it out then we could sort things out, and stayed in denial of the obvious fact that it's all a catch-22. The fact that I was able to keep myself in denial of simple reality for so long is one of the things I'm working on fixing now.