Keep Emotionally Falling Back

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My pwBPDw and I met dancing. I love Latin dance and had been doing it for awhile. I personally think that she was trolling for a new man after her affair partner dumped her. I was helping the beginners Salsa class because they were short on leads and she didn't need to take a beginners salsa class. Dancing was one of the first things she cut out of our relationship. I think she was jealous of me dancing with others as part of a competitive team. I make a point when I perform to make it look like a flirt since salsa is a flirt. I dont think my wife could separate the acting from the real thing.

Since we have separated I've tried to get back into dancing but it is always the same pattern. I go have a good time for awhile but dancing reminds me of her. I start to shut down and by the end of the night I'm sitting by myself contemplating.

Last night was tough. I had my first opportunity for some companionship  gifted to me on a silver platter and I couldn't pull the trigger because by then my mind was elsewhere. I don't want to give up dancing. I've given it up once and I do believe it is one of the main things that will pull me out of this. Any advice on how to reset my mind and get it off of her when I'm dancing. Also how did you guys get to the point where you could pull the trigger again.

[Portent]

My pwBPDw and I met dancing. I love Latin dance and had been doing it for awhile. I personally think that she was trolling for a new man after her affair partner dumped her. I was helping the beginners Salsa class because they were short on leads and she didn't need to take a beginners salsa class. Dancing was one of the first things she cut out of our relationship. I think she was jealous of me dancing with others as part of a competitive team. I make a point when I perform to make it look like a flirt since salsa is a flirt. I dont think my wife could separate the acting from the real thing.

Since we have separated I've tried to get back into dancing but it is always the same pattern. I go have a good time for awhile but dancing reminds me of her. I start to shut down and by the end of the night I'm sitting by myself contemplating.

Last night was tough. I had my first opportunity for some companionship  gifted to me on a silver platter and I couldn't pull the trigger because by then my mind was elsewhere. I don't want to give up dancing. I've given it up once and I do believe it is one of the main things that will pull me out of this. Any advice on how to reset my mind and get it off of her when I'm dancing. Also how did you guys get to the point where you could pull the trigger again.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Portent-

I don't want to give up dancing. I've given it up once and I do believe it is one of the main things that will pull me out of this. Any advice on how to reset my mind and get it off of her when I'm dancing.

By creating new memories.  Right now dancing and your ex are linked in your head, and by creating new dancing memories, with maybe a new dance club and new members and dance partners or whatever, that will take on a life of its own that has nothing to do with her.  And it's good that you don't want to give up something you enjoy and consider helpful.

Also how did you guys get to the point where you could pull the trigger again.

By detaching fully from the relationship.  You will know when you're fully detached.  Have you looked at the stages of detachment over there------------>
lately?  Where do you think you are in the detachment process?

[Portent]

I would say am at the self-injury phase. Im trying to sort out my emotions but learning new things or old memories bring strong emotions.

[fromheeltoheal]

I would say am at the self-injury phase. Im trying to sort out my emotions but learning new things or old memories bring strong emotions.

Nice Portent!  It's self-inquiry BTW, not self-injury, but at this point it can kind of feel that way yes?  And yes, there are strong emotions involved in being in a relationship with a borderline, and then leaving one, plenty of processing to do as we heal and grow.  Notice what it says under state 2 too: to explore the emotions but also to stand off to one side of them, realizing we are not our emotions, emotions just float on through, good and bad, but who we are is constant and much bigger.  No rush, but the more we can investigate the emotions we're experiencing without being overwhelmed by them, the more we can learn, grow and progress.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Portent, At the risk of sounding Zen-like, I would suggest that when the time is right to pull the trigger again, you will know it.  In the meantime, suggest you continue to pursue your passion for dancing.  Be who you are!  LJ

[Portent]

Had a much better time ar dancing yesterday. I had some brief relapses but was able to reset and get the heavy feeling in y chest to go away and keep dancing.

Im still a long way from being abe to connect with anyone though.