Scared my uBPDw will try to fleece me in divorce process...

[michel71]

I will be honest here. At this point is is all about how much money I DON'T HAVE TO GIVE HER. She already went through our savings and ran up some community debt.

I know what she is entitled to. She always said that she wouldn't seek any  of my retirement money, interest in the house ( mine before marriage) nor alimony. Yet I am scared of her. Scared that she will get an attorney and become punitive even though we had discussed mediation.

How do I cope with this fear? For what she is legally entitled to I will have to borrow against my 401k or re-finance my house. I cannot believe this witch might get even more of my money.

The good news is that we have been married less than 4 years.

But I am still really scared of the unknown and how difficult she could make it. IT is consuming.

Any advice. And yes I have a really good lawyer.

[Hisaccount]

I have been playing the game. For mine, she has had her lawyer friends tell her to come get as much as she can from me.
She says the same things, that she doesn't want to. So I have been super nice when the topic comes up. Telling her she can have anything she wants, come back later and get it, or I will store it for her. I will help her sell things. I tell her I am still obsessed with her.

She was moving stuff out a couple weeks ago, she found something that pissed her off. She started getting vindictive.
I came home and started talking to her and calmed her down.

In my case, if she thinks she has the upper hand she will be nice. She will let me have about anything. So I am playing that game until it is final.
Then it will be a different story.

I am already starting to heal and I am upset over what she has done to me. I don't think she deserves anything since she decided to give up and leave.

[michel71]

HIS... .yep... .I am playing the game too. The problem is that I don't know exactly the name of the game or what the rules are. I figure if I am nice to her she will be fair to me. That never worked out in our relationship day to day so why do I think it will work now?

I am dealing with a ticking time bomb.

I think your story is similar to mine. Like you I am trying to help her out. Be nice and generous. That is how I am typically as a person. If I care about somebody I will go out of my way to help. Always there for my wife. Too "there" for my own good.

Are you afraid HIS? How do you deal with feelings that the worst might happen?

[Hisaccount]

Oh I am scared. Don't think for a second I am not, the only comfort I have is I know her so well, I can predict her every move.
So I know that I can play on her sympathies.

For example, recently after she moved out I noticed she took both crock pots. Who needs 2? So I said very nicely hey if you don't need both crock pots could I please have one back? I am sure you help just did it without thinking.
At first she got really mad at me which is normal, but a couple hours later I got a text that said sorry, I want you to have the best of everything. So I know I can guilt her into things.

Also I keep her thinking she can still come back anytime she wants. That I am still obsessed with her. I tell her I am happy to store stuff and she can come back anytime. 
I tell her that she knows me better than anyone, she knows I am a good person and I would never do anything to harm or hurt her.
She believes me when I say those things so she calms down pretty fast.

I know she will come back. Don't know when, month, year, ten years. But I know her well enough to know that. So as long as she thinks I am in her pocket she won't do anything to hurt me because it will eventually hurt her. If that makes sense.
She cannot do what she needs to do, she cannot even function without me. She knows that, I know that.
So all in all I have it pretty good compared to most.

Still hopelessly in love with her. I got it as bad as anyone. But we were friends long before we started a relationship so that foundation is what she goes back to. That is the only power I have over her.

[tryingsome]

In my experience, they will take everything you let them.
If you put up a fight they will too. But if you dig in your heels they might relent.
Honestly, I don't have a good answer for you. You should go in thinking the worse (as far as financial outcome).
But also know that shame is a big motivator for them. It can be used to push them to behave a certain way.
I am not saying you should be vindictive or manipulative, but make sure you know your boundaries and stick to them.
A pwBPD when there is nothing to lose will really lean on them.
Good luck.

[michel71]

Thank you for all the responses. Yes. I am going to expect the worst and hope for the best. I am going to take a really hard line on EVERYTHING so when I give a bit, she can think she won.

[NewStart]

Hey M71,

I would say this, I am in the same position and my stxuNPDw has said she is going to take my house (we've only been married three years and I've owned my house for over 15) and I can move into an $&?& apartment with my kids etc. etc. etc. but the courts will decide what's what and that's final. So that being said, whatever will be will be and in the end you migh lose some money, but you will regain your sanity and self respect.

Be strong and stay the course!

NS