Sister making sexual abuse allegations

[IdaN]

Hi all!

I am looking for some advice on how to deal with my smaller sister, who has BPD, and has recently begun making some rather horrible allegations of sexual abuse towards our now deceased father.

To make a long story short, my sister claims that our father - we are three sisters - abused her sexually from a very young age, not only that, but she also claims that our father invited other men to abuse her sexually in our house in some very extreme ways. It seems that as time goes on, the allegations she makes are becoming more and more gruesome - it began a couple of years ago with her saying that our father had touched her inappropriately and has now gone on to such depraved stories I can't even bring myself to recount them.

Neither my other sister nor I would think our father being capable of doing such things. He was never inappropriate towards any of us, and we are also finding it difficult to see how all of this would even practically be possible without us knowing as we all grew up in a small house together with our parents.

I love my sister and I have no doubt that she is in great pain, but I am heart-broken and angry that she is telling these stories to other people with such great conviction that many people immediately believe her - and I am starting to think that she is even believing them herself. Do any of you have any similar experiences? Any advice or insight would be greatly appreciated - thanks!

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi there,

Wanting to say welcome!

The thing is, you really cannot know if she is lying or not.  
She can be lying
Or she can be telling the truth
Or she can be telling partial truths or partial lies and embellishing on it.

My thoughts are... .
If she is telling you some abuse story, whether she is lying or not lying, she is likely struggling with something.  I would treat her as though she has been abused in some way, even if I may not believe the exact story she is stating.  (Even if I do not believe she was abused in an way.)

So I would find a way to communicate to her:
What you are saying is serious stuff
You need to sort through this with a professional, not me, I'm not qualified

So stating that, I would likely not want to listen to her stories of abuse, especially if I thought they were untrue.  Or I may decide that I don't want to hear her stories (even if they are true) just because it may feel traumatic for me.

The thing is that we cannot control another.
We can just decide what does or doesn't work for us and set boundaries.

So I would likely come up with statements in my mind to prepare myself to encounter her wanting to discuss her abuse.  
-You know, it is so shocking, that just was not the man I knew.  
-I'm sorry you did not have the same experiences as I for having a dad, that sounds terrible
-Wow, that is actually overwhelming to me and way more than I can process.  I really am sorry for what you are having to process, but I can't handle this discussion.
-That is some serious stuff, have you spoken to a therapist yet? This is way bigger than I can manage.  I can help you find a therapist if you like?

Idk, my point is... .
Either way, she is struggling
Either way, she needs help
Also
Either way, you are not her therapist, nor expected to have to hear anything that is upsetting you
You also do not have to treat anyone, even someone abused, as a helpless victim.

Fyi: From the other side of the perspective, I have been abused.  I do not like folks to take care of my emotions, or treat me like I cannot handle stuff.  It is my own job to manage emotions, manage my trauma and healing from it, seeking out a therapist.  I also do not like to subject others to hearing my story especially if they are uncomfortable and such and there is no purpose in me disclosing.  Yet, sometimes I do appreciate support in helping myself.

You may not ever know the truth of your sisters story... .
But what you can do is... .
Not invalidate her
Not treat her as a victim. (Even if she was abused, this is not helpful, google drama triangle there is info here on it somewhere too)
Take care of yourself via boundaries and such. (Lots of info here on boundaries too, srry I am no good at hunting down links)

Hopefully something useful there.
Sorry you are having to deal with this.

[IdaN]

Thank you both very much for your replies.
I completely understand what you both are saying from a rational and psychological perspective about not invalidating her and that it likely is her reality that she was abused.

The thing is... .I think that I am simply too upset with her to be able to validate her - at least right now. I do not in any way mean to be disrespectful to people who were abused, and I try to keep my mind open towards that maybe she also was even though I can't make sense of her stories, but I am just finding it so difficult dealing with the damage she is causing to my loved ones right now. Also, I guess part of the reason why it is so hard to keep an "open mind" for me is that for as long as I can remember, she has been telling so many lies to other people - not just about our family, but about anything, basically. She has always been extremely attention-seeking and is currently telling her horrific abuse stories to any who will listen, which, obviously, is an emotional wrecking ball in my family. And parts of the stories I know for a fact not to be true, because... .well, I was there.

Honestly, I am so mad at her, I don't have the strength or the energy to validate her. As her older sister, I have been spent so much of my adult life helping her, I guess I just... .have had it up to here. Again, I am sorry if what I am saying sounds harsh or disrespectful. I just really feel, I guess, that she does not have the right to do this to our family.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome IdaN:  
I'm so sorry about your situation with your sister.  It has to be painful for all involved.  People with BPD (pwBPD) don't fit into a neat little package of the same traits and behaviors.  Most pwBPD have other mental health issues to go along with BPD. Does anyone else in your family or origin (FOO) have mental health issues?

Is your sister on any meds for any mental health issues or getting therapy?  :)id something change in your sister's life, around the time she began her accusations? Was there any difference in how you and your siblings were treated, while growing up? How long after your father passed did the comments about sexual abuse begin?

Could be that your sister had a history of sexual abuse with someone other than your father, but  she may be projecting it onto your father.  You might find the article at the link below helpful: "Why Do Narcissists and Borderlines Lie So Much":

www.BPDcentral.com/blog/?Why-Do-Narcissists-and-Borderlines-Lie-So-Much-24

I used to work with someone, at my first job, who imagined a pregnancy (when her sister was pregnant).  This person left the mutual place of employment before me.  We met up to share a meal and chat, several years after she moved on.  She shared her account of her "false pregnancy" with me.  I didn't remember if we discussed her therapy/treatment. At the time, I didn't know how to process the information that was shared with me, and hence didn't meet up again (neither one of us made further contact with the other).

The thing is... .I think that I am simply too upset with her to be able to validate her - at least right now. I do not in any way mean to be disrespectful to people who were abused, and I try to keep my mind open towards that maybe she also was even though I can't make sense of her stories, but I am just finding it so difficult dealing with the damage she is causing to my loved ones right now. Also, I guess part of the reason why it is so hard to keep an "open mind" for me is that for as long as I can remember, she has been telling so many lies to other people - not just about our family, but about anything, basically.

The links below contain info. about validation, that might be helpful.  Validation doesn't mean that you agree with someone's position.  You don't validate what is invalid, but you acknowledge someone's feelings. Perhaps right now, you may need to just not argue with you sister about her accusations and not invalidate her in her presence.  You can choose to set a boundary to not discuss the situation with her.

VALIDATION

VALIDATION - DON'T INVALIDATE

AVOID CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS

BOUNDARIES

Probably a good idea for your sister to discuss her accusations in therapy, with her personal therapist.  It could be helpful for you to get your own therapist and discuss the situation, if only for a few sessions to gain the perspective of a therapist who is familiar with BPD.

Here are some links to threads, where members have been in a similar situation to yours.  You might find it comforting, that others have shared similar experiences:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=299565.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=303876.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=299565.msg12807380;topicseen#msg12807380

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=286798.msg12702311;topicseen#msg12702311

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=283060.msg12672214;topicseen#msg12672214

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=288362.msg12715274;topicseen#msg12715274

[HappyChappy]

The thing is... .I think that I am simply too upset with her to be able to validate her - at least right now.

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. It must be awful to have accusations against your farther and also a sister that is distressed.

I would agree with Sunfl0wer in that your sister clearly is looking for some support. But I can see you are also very distressed with this, so lets consider some logical facts. A friend of mine in the Police dealt with domestic abuse, and specialised in rape victims. By her own admission, the majority of cases in her department  fell apart, due to unreliable statements. She said  the main reason for this is women using this to get back at their boyfriends whom they had some gripe with. She said many would contradict themselves in their initial statements or evidence would over turn their statements. Also I read recently around 75% of child abuse claims during divorce, also fall apart for some reason (i.e. the testimony is proved to be wrong). So it is wrong to assume anything on either side. A skilled professional , however, would be able to take a more pragmatic approach, and would be familiar with what to expect in a testimony. But more importantly for your sister, a professional Therapist should be familiar in the support she may need. Has your sister been to the Police ? In the UK, the law guarantees any accusations of this kind must be investigate by the Police regardless. So your sister can be assured she will be heard. Has she seen a skilled Therapist, in this field ?  

This is a very tricky situation for you, but take hart. Plug your sister into the right sort of support and your job is done. You don’t need to get involved. Also I would be wary if she is trying to recruit family members to her side on this. Don’t get sucked in. If you lived in the same house, when this activity came about, you may well have seen various signs that would make sense now. Is there much evidence to shore up the claims ? If not, then all you can do is offer to plug your sister into support networks.

Your experience is not unusual on this forum, and it is good that you are taking advice, because isolation will not help. Often people depend on isolation to keep these things under wraps. One final stat, where as most personality disorders require a stressful (some say traumatic) childhood, around 20% of those with BPD do not. This is not of your doing, nor is it your responsibility. A crime has clearly happened, but we may never know if it was your father or your sister. Even if you knew, would there be any value in pressing charges ? Offer your sister professional support, and present any valid evidence, then I don't think you should be expected to do any more.

Time will out, time will heal.     

[IdaN]

Thank you again so much for your kind and thoughtful replies - it is really nice to discuss this with someone who is not as emotionally involved as my own family or people close to my family are.  

Maybe I should have clarified this in the beginning, but my sister has been in psychiatric care in one way or the other for the past sixteen years. (She is 39 years now.) She has been hospitalized for a total of five years, been in every form of therapy and treatment imaginable and been on every medication available - she is currently on antipsychotic, antidepressant and anti anxiety meds and has been so for many years.

She is living in a permanent care facility for mentally ill people who are not ill enough to be hospitalized, but not able to care for themselves either. She is highly intelligent, but not able to maintain a daily routine, manage money, etc. and I would say that she has been in a downward spiral ever since her early twenties. I don't want to sound like a martyr, but so much of my adult life has been spent helping her find care, therapy and help.
Sixteen years ago, I first got her admitted to psychiatric care after a suicide attempt. Back then, she was diagnosed with depression, which was changed to bipolar which was changed to paranoid schizophrenia (caused by that she had many episodes of psychosis for some years) and then three years ago her diagnosis was changed to borderline personality disorder and generalized anxiety which was also around the time she began speaking about the sexual abuse - our father had died two years in advance.

I really don't know how to put it other than to say that she always has been strange, somehow. As if things were always just difficult for and with her - friends, jobs, practical problems, etc. As I mentioned before, she is keenly intelligent, but her social/empathetic skills have always been a bit off somehow. As my husband once said, "It is as if she tries to mimic normal behaviour." Personally, I think our home and family were pretty normal, our parents were teachers, we did not have much, but did not lack anything either - if there was any difference between us as to how we were brought up, I guess the only thing I can think of is that she, being the little sister, was slightly more spoiled and had more freedom than the rest of us.

Regarding police charges... .as far as I know, she has never involved the police, and if she tried I think her charges, in the country where we live, would not be pursued as this allegedly happened more than twenty years ago.  She has told plenty of health care professionals about the abuse, but I have not heard of them seeking or even mentioning police involvement - which I would welcome in a way.  

[IdaN]

Sorry, I just forgot to add that my sister has never agreed to there being anything wrong with her or her being mentally ill. Her typical pattern with regards to treatment is that she initially is sympathetic (new attention) and collaborative, but then drops out of treatment or stops collaborating with the therapist whenever demands are placed upon her or she is asked to do some work of her own. Basically, every therapist and doctor she has been in contact has become "an idiot" after a while.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey IdaN: 
Thanks for sharing the additional information.  I suspected there might be something more than BPD going on with your sister.  I've read many other accounts, where through the years (and with different professionals), the diagnosis for a given individual changed.  Sometime, a different diagnosis could result from changes in a patient's behavior.  Other times, it might be that a given professional only saw certain traits during treatment and/or the patient may have held back some details on occasions.

I think HappyChappy made the suggestion to contact law enforcement, because she missed reading your comment that you father is deceased. 

I'm sorry your sister doesn't cooperate with treatment and therapy. Unfortunately, it's a common situation. You indicated that she is permanently staying at the facility.  Is there any stipulation that she has to participate in some level of treatment to stay at the facility?   Is your sister currently able to leave the mental care facility at will?

Is it possible that many of the people who hear your sister's stories of sexual abuse, put it into context and relate the account to her history of paranoid schizophrenia? There is clearly a lot going on with her.  It has to be heartbreaking that she will likely live at a mental care facility for the rest of her life.  It might be best that she is at a care facility, as opposed to living with a family member. 

Sometimes, mental illness can't be traced to family genetics or environment. We can trace back some mental issues to at least one side of the family, if we can perhaps go back a generation or two.  Many times, however, we don't know the details, because perhaps someone died at a young age.  My now deceased father had a few BPD traits that were rather strong (not enough traits to qualify as BPD).  His mother was killed in a train wreck, when my father was very young.  I suspect my dad's mom could have had BPD, or some other mental issue.  She had been married 3 time, when she died at a rather young age. (definitely something off there)

When we can't change a situation.  RADICAL ACCEPTANCE   can be the path to take.  It could be helpful for you to read about it by clicking on the green words.  There are a lot of links to helpful information to the upper right of this post.  It can be a grieving process to work through your feelings and process the fact that you may never have a normal relationship with your sister.

You can't change your sister.  All you have control over is yourself and the way you interact with your sister and how you react to her.  It can be therapeutic to post here and share your experience and feelings.  Other than that,  what are you doing to take care of yourself? 

 

[Sunfl0wer]

I am looking for some advice on how to deal with my smaller sister, who has BPD, and has recently begun making some rather horrible allegations of sexual abuse towards our now deceased father.

It sounds like you are trying to figure out what type of relationship is possible with your sister?

but I am just finding it so difficult dealing with the damage she is causing to my loved ones right now.

Well, the way I see things is that we are all responsible for ourselves, our own feelings, and choices.  If people are struggling with believing her and the meaning of her words, that is still their choice, not damage she is "doing to" anyone.  Their conflicting feelings over her words are their responsibility.

It is pretty common that it is challenging to deal with persons with BPD and challenging for one to continue to maintain self values/boundaries and know where one person begins and ends next to another.

For example: My mom has schizophrenia.  She accused me of using drugs last time I took her out of her facility for an overnight. (Along with some other false accusations) I can view myself as a victim, destroyed by her words by the way the staff have to consider that I may be a drug addict.  Yet, I have choices.  I can choose to discuss with staff to help clear air. I can decide to not be around mom.  I actually could not handle much of the chaos and "damage" that it was stressing me out, so I did distance myself.  It is my choice to be in her company or not. I choose the path of self care for me and my family, which was to not visit... .as I felt it was harming us all (aggravating her psychosis) more than helping any one person.

She has always been extremely attention-seeking and is currently telling her horrific abuse stories to any who will listen, which, obviously, is an emotional wrecking ball in my family. And parts of the stories I know for a fact not to be true, because... .well, I was there.

It does sound possible that she has been getting a lot of positive reinforcement for her behaviors, thus may just keep returning to what works. 

Honestly, I am so mad at her, I don't have the strength or the energy to validate her. As her older sister, I have been spent so much of my adult life helping her, I guess I just... .have had it up to here.

The thing is... .
It is not your responsibility to validate her.
You don't have to!
You can if you feel up to it, are trying to help her stay comfortable with interactions, but it is not your job to monitor and care for her emotional state of mind in any way.

One thing I learned around here is FOG -fear, obligation, guilt.
I often try to put situations to the test... .
Am I making a choice because of F, O, or G?
If so, can I remove the FOG and find a way to think without it and make a decision that has no FOG intertwined?  This helps me to be true to what I want and need and not just choose options that make me appear as a good sister, daughter or such.

It could be helpful to post a thread detailing an example of a situation you may encounter with your sister so we can offer options on how to navigate it.

Yet, I am suspecting you simply may want relief from the drama and may need to tend to yourself without concern for your sister for a bit.

What do you think?
What type of relationship or level of interaction do you see yourself tryng to have with her?

[IdaN]

Thank you very much for your kind words and advice, Naughty Nibbler - it means a lot.  

My sister does not have to participate in treatment at the facility where she is at, but it is available to her if she wants it. It is a good place, I think, with a caring and dedicated staff where they have a specific focus on helping the residents lead as normal a life as possible by helping them develop the practical life skills many of them are lacking. My sister has her own little apartment there and a member of staff serves as her daily helper with chores, solving practical problems, etc. She lives there voluntarily - she likes being taken care of - and can come and go as she pleases. If she wasn't there, I'm sure she would either be dead or living in the streets by now.

What I am doing to take of myself? It helped tremendously when I, on the suggestion of a psychiatrist, introduced rules for my sister as to how I wanted her to act around my family and myself. That I would not answer calls in the middle of the night, that she has to be nice to my children when we visit, that I will not lend her (anymore) money, etc. She mostly respects these boundaries, not because she cares about me, I think, but because she is afraid of losing my support. Basically, I am the only family member who still keeps in touch with her on a regular basis - it is just hard.

[IdaN]

Thank you very much, Sunflower, for your kind and thoughtful reply as well.  

You are asking me whether I am looking to figure out what kind of relationship I can have with my sister - yes, I am. And also, I guess, how to deal with the consequences of her actions. For instance, she is knee-deep in debt after many years of reckless spending, and my family and I have saved her financially more times than we can count - we cannot keep doing that, but if we don't keep paying for her, what will become of her? Our aging mother is facing old age with financial problems as she has spent all she had on my sister. My sister posts a lot on social media and is very active online about her situation, how horrible we are to her, lie after lie... .how do we deal with the strain of people confronting us about the stuff she is writing? Etc.

I recognize that she is ill and may not be accountable for (all) her actions. But I guess that I just need to see a small glimpse of kindness and understanding on her part from time to time in order to carry on. I am so fed up with feeling abused, exploited, and lied to. There are times where I fantasize about beating her up, where I think of her as evil. (Don't worry, I would never hurt her or anyone else, I'm just venting.) I guess that the sexual abuse allegations might just be the straw that is breaking the camel's back.

I love her and would like to have a relationship with her, but I just don't feel I can be a punching bag anymore and  basically I feel that is all I am getting from the relationship. But on the other hand, I would feel guilty for cutting the cords to her as she then really would have no one (non-professional) left.

[Sunfl0wer]

There are times where I fantasize about beating her up, where I think of her as evil. (Don't worry, I would never hurt her or anyone else, I'm just venting.) I guess that the sexual abuse allegations might just be the straw that is breaking the camel's back.

No judgement here on your thoughts at all... .
Imho, if I am at this point, then I need to take a step away.  Time for a ton of "selfish" self care. 

But on the other hand, I would feel guilty for cutting the cords to her as she then really would have no one (non-professional) left.

I wonder if an approach option for you would be to take a month (or some time frame) "time out" from interacting with your sister.  Then evaluate your feelings about it.  Do you feel at peace, ok?  Do you miss some parts of her?  Then use that info to decide an in between place of where you feel you may want to be in having a relationship with your sister.  (Btw, not having a relationship is also a valid choice too.)

Sometimes when we are too deep in the FOG it may be hard to seperate ourselves from it to know what we truely want.

----------
In my situation, it was so hard for me to cut ties with my sis.  She has BPD and bipolar.  The rest of my family has such toxic abusive dynamics, that she was pretty much all of my family left that I talked to.  When her delusions and paranoia became targeted AT me, I finally had enough, had to tell her it was beyond me.  Decided in my mind, this was unsafe. (She never threatened me, but she always had a sense that I was seriously trying to destroy her, it appeared to only escalate over the years of me trying to maintain a semi-close relationship.)  It got too hard to enforce boundaries, as when she was upset, blowing up my phone all hours of night or such, she felt she "had a right" to always intrude into my life, not considerate of my family. (Me and my son)

I eventually redirected her that the issues she was confronting me were more than my responsibility, she should look into some help.  (The nature of all her desired conversations were always to ruminate over the past) This offended her greatly enough that she will stay away now, it has been years, i have come to have peace with this.
-----------

While your decision is yours, and not same as mine... .
Just sharing that because sometmes we may feel like our pwBPD is our responsibility.  My reality is I need to take care of my own health first, and my kids, and interacting with her was interferring.  Call me weak, I could blame myself for not being strong enough, but I no longer do, it is what it is.  When folks ask me why I don't talk to her... ."I just cannot handle her difficulties and what she is struggling with.  It was too much."

Persons who care for me enough to know me, don't question it too much.  They trust me.  Ones who don't and seem to not be able to make up their own mind and let it affect how they percieve me, well, I am ok with them not being interested in me. 
----------

On last perspective I often take... .
I ask myself, "Is this how I want to be treated?"
I would not want someone maintaining a relationship with me where they inside feel so upset with me that they visualize harming me and question the use of it.  I would not want a friend or relationship just because someone feels guilty or obligated to end it.  So that often helps me decide stuff.

On the other hand, your sis likely would like to guilt folks into stuff.

Yet, my values remain mine.  I would not like it for me, so I often try to eliminated my FOG, see if there is anything left after I do, see if there is something I can work with after FOG is removed.  Maybe I am ok with a monthly phone call, or two calls a month and two visits a month within the facility, but no pretending to respond to "urgent" or unplanned "crisis" by her.  Idk, you gotta figure out what is truly ok with you cause in the end, when sis is not around, you gotta be ok with you.