Keeps telling me his life in danger.

[Pipedreamer25]

Hi Guys,

I hope you're all having a good day.  I haven't posted here in a while.  My BPDex has been in serious pull mode over the last couple of weeks.   Saying that he'll do anything to move back into me, that he'll stop drinking and get help.   All sort of the same stuff I've heard before.   I'm starting to get better at responding to it but I can't pretend that it doesn't pull on my heart strings a little and missing him is harder.

I've told him that he needs to get sober before I can think of anything and I need some time to myself to think.   He called late last night and I didn't pick up.  I checked my messages this morning and he left this long message saying that his ex housemate has threatened to kill him because my ex lost his dog? It didn't make a heap of sense.  The ex is staying at a super sketchy, halfway house with some really dangerous people.  I feel like he should know that he should go to the police but at the same time I really want just encourage him to go like I would have used to.  He's said that his life is at risk from particular room mates on normal occasions.  The ex left me a huge message saying that he would probably be going away for sometime.   I just don't know what to make of it.  I'm worried about him and I just wish he could lead a stable enough life so that he can be okay.

Thanks for listening.

[once removed]

I've told him that he needs to get sober before I can think of anything and I need some time to myself to think.   He called late last night and I didn't pick up.  I checked my messages this morning and he left this long message saying that his ex housemate has threatened to kill him because my ex lost his dog?

i think you are, if inadvertently, sending the message that if he pushes harder, you are willing to revive the relationship.

are you?

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Pipedreamer,

In my view, his issues are his problems, not yours.  I would suggest that there is a difference between compassion and caretaking; one is kind, the other is a symptom of codependency.  I like how you set your boundary: unless and until he gets sober, any r/s is a No Go.  Suggest you stick with it.  Those w/BPD talk a good game, but words are different from action, needless to say.

LuckyJim

[Pipedreamer25]

Thank you for your responses
Him being sober would be a good step but it’s going to take a lot more than that.  At the moment I do not feel emotionally safe to discuss this further with him.  It’s impossible talking about anything when he is drinking so I’m just keeping firm on the whole “you need to be sober before we could even think about having any sort of relationship”.    There’s no point trying to say anything else.  
He is just such a different person when he drinks.  It’s awful.  I’m trying my best to get on with my life and not hope for any miracles.  I just guess I feel so guilty not replying to him when he says things like "he's going to be murdered". 

[ShadowA]

Hmm... .Wonder if he's schizo.

Something seems off here

[valet]

Don't feel guilty. You didn't get him into this mess and it's sure as heck not your job to help him out of it, considering the circumstances.

It's ok to have compassion and empathy for his situation, but he needs to be able to recover on his own. Is he ready to admit that he needs real, professional help? Is he ready to make a long-term commitment to treatment? Begging for you to take him back does not fulfill these criteria, and it will never be a suitable substitute. Actions speak louder than words.

It may seem cruel to be so firm. It's also enabling not to be. Best of luck.