Tracked down contact info for his first wife...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It really wasn't hard, everything that I needed was in that background check. I know from talking with pwBPD that when they divorced she made it clear that he was not to contact her again. The timing is such that this is the woman who would have been involved with his domestic assault charges.

Has anyone ever been tempted to talk with one of their partner's exes? I am really struggling with this right now.

Pros:

Possibly a chance to compare current patterns with old ones
A chance to get some honest input into his arrest and what happened
Could ask for information that would help me determine if he is capable of change or simply repeating the same pattern with very little awareness.
Potentially validating - it's not "me". (I already know this but... .)

Cons:

She may well not want to talk to me
Small chance she could tell pwBPD that I contacted her
Not much of the information would be "news", why am I seeking validation as to the dysfunction of my situation?
It feels backhanded and dishonest
Not even certain what I would say. I have so many questions and yet none of them seem appropriate to ask somebody that I don't even know.
Could dig up pain for somebody who has moved on.

Has anyone contacted an ex? Was it worth it? Not worth it? A bad idea? Thoughts appreciated... .

[Lalathegreat]

It really wasn't hard, everything that I needed was in that background check. I know from talking with pwBPD that when they divorced she made it clear that he was not to contact her again. The timing is such that this is the woman who would have been involved with his domestic assault charges.

Has anyone ever been tempted to talk with one of their partner's exes? I am really struggling with this right now.

Pros:

Possibly a chance to compare current patterns with old ones
A chance to get some honest input into his arrest and what happened
Could ask for information that would help me determine if he is capable of change or simply repeating the same pattern with very little awareness.
Potentially validating - it's not "me". (I already know this but... .)

Cons:

She may well not want to talk to me
Small chance she could tell pwBPD that I contacted her
Not much of the information would be "news", why am I seeking validation as to the dysfunction of my situation?
It feels backhanded and dishonest
Not even certain what I would say. I have so many questions and yet none of them seem appropriate to ask somebody that I don't even know.
Could dig up pain for somebody who has moved on.

Has anyone contacted an ex? Was it worth it? Not worth it? A bad idea? Thoughts appreciated... .

[DearHusband]

Doesn't seem like a good idea.

[formflier]

Here is the thing.

Do you already know the answers to your questions?  Are those answers ones that you like?

Realizing that the answers to those questions are subjective AND that adding another subjective opinion to the mix will not really change the basic nature of the information. 

For what purpose are you gathering this information?  How far will you take the investigation? 

Last thought.  You asked if you should contact the ex and my answer is "No... .never."  I would suggest another question... ."Should you pursue information from the ex?"  Well... .that's up to you.

Should you choose to pursue it, let professionals handle it.  If you balk at the cost of doing so then I think that circles you around to reasons for pursuing information.

If it is something you want/need then it's worth paying professionals to get you as reliable information as possible.  Even then, much of it will still be subjective.

Back to the real question:  Why pursue this information at all?  Why be in a r/s where you are even considering pursuing information like this? 

There is really no right or wrong answer to those questions.  I would say that YOU owe YOURSELF a clear answer to both those questions.

Last thoughts:  Many times the "investigation" does more damage than issue being investigated.  This is why you need to have a clear objective before starting and make sure that objective is worth the potential cost. 

FF

[Grey Kitty]

You won't get information you can trust from talking to his ex.

She obviously had a lot of feelings about him. Probably both positive and negative. They will strongly color what she has to say.

She might not be very emotionally stable herself--afterall, she did choose to be in a r/s with somebody who is very difficult, and it is a general pop-psych truism that people tend to get involved with somebody who is at a roughly similar level of emotional maturity.

She doesn't know you. She has no personal loyalty or interest in being truthful to you. And you don't know her; you have no idea how reliable, trustworthy, or honest she is.

She might want to protect all other women from him.
She might want to mess up his next r/s.
She might want his next r/s to work well so he doesn't stalk her.
She might want to break up your r/s so she can get back together with him.

And you won't know what things bias what she tells you.


Add to that that your pwBPD will almost certainly see it as a betrayal if you do contact her. He might not find out... .but if he does, nothing good will come of it!

And in his shoes, I would probably see it the same way, 'tho I don't have any ex's I'm on that bad a terms with.

[Red5]

@Lalathegreat 

 
A "can of worms"... .don't do it !

[patientandclear]

Some people on these boards have done this and found it healing and helpful, but I've noticed this has been the case where the member here has already decided to exit the relationship (or that decision was made by the pwBPD). Under those circumstances it seems to sometimes facilitate peace and acceptance, and helps with not taking the bizarre reactions and the demise personally. Sometimes these have been very healing conversations.

Until you are clear that it's done, I concur with GK that both your motives and hers will make it hard to have a genuine trustworthy exchange of information.

I am in the strange situation of knowing personally at least four women my pwBPD dated. He devastated all of them, three before and one after me. (We all worked in the same place at one point.) I did speak to one of them during a time when we were in hiatus and I was trying to decide whether to re-open contact. What I learned surprised me. It confirmed that he has extreme patterns of oscillating feelings and rejects amazing women. She also confirmed that it appeared what had gone on with us had some unusual qualities. That fed into my gut feeling or need to feel that I/we were special to him and it led me back in. In retrospect that was a mistake. Special or no, he seemingly cannot take care of a special connection, and it made it all the sadder that he can't.

I think the questions that FF asked are key. Do you already actually know the things you would be seeking to confirm? What ARE you hoping to learn? Does the fact that you would consider this tell you something important in itself?