I go out with friends he finds out where i am and shows up.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, I am new here. I recently decided to end a 2 1/2 yr relationship with my BPD boyfriend after many cycles of break-ups and getting back together. I think no contact would be best. However, every time we break up and i go out with friends he finds out where i am and shows up. I guess I should leave when this happens but I don't think it is fair that i have to stay home in order not to see him. Has this happened to anyone?

[Sammy2017]

Hi, I am new here. I recently decided to end a 2 1/2 yr relationship with my BPD boyfriend after many cycles of break-ups and getting back together. I think no contact would be best. However, every time we break up and i go out with friends he finds out where i am and shows up. I guess I should leave when this happens but I don't think it is fair that i have to stay home in order not to see him. Has this happened to anyone?

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Sammy,

My exBPDbf knows the places I go and lives locally enough to be around however I do vary my times - not particularly intentionally although it would be if I found he was regularly at the 'right place at the right time'... .  I've seen him a couple of times but not engaged with him and luckily have had the cover of someone with me and a quick escape route, eg going into the gym anyway and second time my son was with me whom he's not allowed to be in contact with (long story).  That second time however was when I do have a routine with my son that he's aware of and so there was every chance he'd see me by being where he was.  Don't know if it's just a coincidence but strikes me that not much is with my ex.  I've been NC for 3 months now and he has a replacement for me.

Can I ask how he is finding out where you are going?  Is it a regular routine or is someone telling him what you are doing?  Also, are you interacting with him when this happens?  If so, how does that go?

Love and light x

[Mutt]

Hi Sammy2017,

I think what you're asking is how do I detach when an ex is still in your life. Have you thought about minimal contact? I have shared custody with my exuBPDw so I can't do NC, I do minimal contact, I don't tell her anything about my personal life if asked, I'll talk about the kids only, sometimes I have to be around her for the sake of the kids, specifically school, I don't talk to her much.

I don't say Hi, for example the kids are all in elementary school and they had a school event last night, the end of the school year is close. My youngest wanted to spend time with mom at the school event, it's my time but if that's what he wants, fine. I just told her "S5 wants to hang out with you, can you take him?" She took him without really saying anything, she knows my boundaries, she knows that because I had to keep defending them when she didn't honor them or tested them. How are your boundaries with your ex?