My BPD Step-Mother is ruining my relationship w/ my Father-Help please

[Sad1979]

I don't even know where to begin! My Father has been married to my step-Mother for 13 years. I was 24 when they married. She is very sensitive and does not deal w/ rejection well.  Me and my two older brothers were brought up in church and are Christians. We do not talk about our feelings a lot, but we are Christians and feel that we treat everyone with respect. Things were ok for awhile after my Dad and Step-mom married. But, she started accusing my brother and his wife of treating her like crap, believing that they thought that she was not good enough for them, and telling them that their children did not treat her right. Something as simple as getting together for dinner, if we just said, "Hi", to them when they walked in, she would get offended bc we didn't specifically address her personally. So long story short, one of my sister in laws stopped talking to her bc she would send emails and letters basically saying how she had ruined her life. She actually sent a letter to both of my sister-in-laws w/ the heading, "20 ways you have ruined my life." Which none of us feel that any of her perceptions are reality. Now, that she has upset everyone else in the family, now she is starting to pick on me. She is mad bc I couldn't come down on Christmas Day, (they live an hour away), I was going to come down two days after Christmas, but she started sending me messages saying, her and my Dad aren't important enough to spend Christmas with, telling me just to forget about Christmas, telling me I don't come down enough, when I was there at least once a month 3 out of the past 4 months. She thinks me and my brothers don't come down bc of her, but in reality, we don't come down that much bc of life, busy work schedules and kids. Now she is telling me that her and my Dad are going to cut us off bc we are ruining their marriage. I haven't been able to have a private conversation w/ my Dad for years bc she is so controlling. She will take the phone out of my Dad's hand and start screaming at me, and tell me she took the phone away from my Dad bc of the things I was saying to him, when all I was saying to him was that I wanted to meet him for lunch alone. I even sent my Dad pictures of some wedding dresses I tried on and she got upset bc I didnt address both of them in the text, all I said was Hi Dad. She accused me of starting drama, when I merely wanted my Dad to see the wedding dresses I tried on. I have tried for years to go out of my way to make sure she feels included, and now she tells me, I havent done enough/been good enough to her. She says that my sister in law has brainwashed us/has us fearing her if we have a relationship w/ my step-mother (which is totally inaccurate). I am so scared she is going to convince my Dad to stop talking to us and he won't be at my wedding in October. She even has my Dad not attending church anymore (when he used to go faithfully every Sunday and is a Christian man) bc the church they went to, she thought everyone was talking about them. It's so sad to see my Dad being controlled in every way and losing his own identity. What can I do to keep my relationship w/ my Father w/o having to deal w/ this emotional abuse! Sorry for the long post! I could go on and on about how frustrating it is trying to deal w/ her. So sad. I feel like I am losing my Dad!

[Notwendy]

I am so sorry you are going through this. My BPD mother also put a wedge between me and my father when he was ill and then passed away. She also listened in on phone calls between us, read any e mails I sent him. By the time he died, I was written out of the will and she refused to let me have any of his belongings that were sentimental to me. I don't know if it was her idea or his idea. It wasn't about anything material, but struggling with the question- did my father disown me?

I didn't understand about the Karpman triangle then, but it helped me understand the dynamics. My mother's preferred role is "Victim" and my father was her "rescuer" and enabler. This bond between them was very strong. However, in order for this to play out, there needed to be a persecutor. I had set boundaries on her and raised concerns about her to his health care team and that angered her.

My mother is divisive. She sees people as either on her side or not her side. I believe she put my father in a position to choose- her or me. I don't blame him for choosing her when he wasn't well. However, he always chose her wishes from the beginning- over his family, perhaps even over his own wishes, and yes, even his own daughter.

As much as this hurts, I will ask you to err on the side of compassion and forgiveness for your father. My father was just an amazing person to me, but he was also seriously co-dependent when it came to my mother, and also this bond between them- rescuer/victim was stronger than I ever imagined. In working on my own co-dependency traits, I came to understand this as an addiction. Addictions are very hard to overcome. People with addictions are powerless over them, unless they seek help. My father was human, like all humans, and if this was his weakness, it is the only one I know of- and it doesn't undo the good things he did for us kids and others in his life.

At some level, this has to feel hurtful to your father. I hope in some time he comes around, but it is hard to know. I do think that if there is any chance of this, getting off the "triangle" is the best chance. Study the tools on this board, and the triangle dynamics. Being less emotionally reactive to your step mother helps not fuel the dysfunction. Take a neutral stance- not pushing, not condemning, and not reactive. She may send a nasty note like the 20 ways you ruined her life -but it is her being nasty in the moment. You don't need to tolerate this, but reacting to it may just play into the triangle with you- and it becomes proof that she then takes to your father to rescue her from. She may sense you are "on" to her and if this were my mother, anyone "on" to her is likely to be pushed out of her circle. Resist the urge to "rescue" your father or get him to come to his senses. Taking rescuer role is on the triangle. Try not to take this personally. What she does says more about her than anything to do with others.

It is hard to let go of what you want, but your father chose this woman. His faith is also his own. Relationships with pwBPD tend to be isolating. Your mother may feel threatened when he goes to church, and he may not go to keep the peace. But his relationship with God is between him and God, even if he doesn't go to church.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Sad1979,

I'd like to join  Notwendy in welcoming you to  bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear about the conflict in your family. That is very painful, and I can fully understand feeling that you are losing your father. 

You've found a great place for support. The members here have been in similar situations and really understand what you are going through. And through the tools and resources available here, things can get better. There is hope.

As Notwendy already mentioned, it's so easy to fall into the cycle of victim-rescuer-perpetrator, especially in familial relationships. It happens to all of us, at some point.

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. That is very exciting! How does your fiancé see the situation?

Here is some info. about the Karpman Triangle that you may find helpful:

Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle

Keep writing, it helps to share. We're here for you.

heartandwhole

[Notwendy]

One think I observed is that the victim/rescuer roles helped stabilize my parents' relationship. I don't doubt that there is plenty of conflict between your step mother and father, as there was with my parents. It seemed that this conflict was minimized when both of them were bonded together over a common "persecutor" rather than play out the triangle between them. ( any number of people can do this as one can change roles, play out even all three roles between any number of people- so Dad could get angry at Mom, become persecutor, she becomes victim, he rescues her - they make up).  A common persecutor sent them into their rescuer/victim roles which met both their emotional needs. It might be me, a sibling, later on a health care worker like a nurse or therapist-anyone who might have gotten into anything with Mom was a potential persecutor.

I think that remaining in contact with your father is important to you, and non-confrontational messages- "Hi Dad, and Step mom-so excited about my wedding -we chose the band and flowers. "  "Happy Birthday Dad, hope you and step mom have a great day". Yes, I included step mom there. In these kinds of enmeshed relationships, they tend to function as one person. No sense in aggravating that.

The hope is that your father realizes the cost of this relationship that he chose. He hasn't been married that long. I would be very sad for you if he was not able to attend your wedding. However, I don't believe he could do that without also feeling some sadness himself. He may also miss his church. This relationship may eventually be unmanageable to him- like an addiction.  I'm pretty sure that an alcoholic hates to see the results of drinking on his family- but usually that alcoholic has to "hit bottom" to recover. When other family members enable or rescue him, they may actually interfere in this process.

As kids, we compensated for our mother's behavior. If she spent too much money, we did with less. We walked on eggshells around her. We didn't want her to upset Dad. When we participated in the triangle- we gave her reason to play victim. She would likely have done this anyway.

I had to make peace with my father's choice. That wasn't easy. I know how a daughter feels about her Daddy. Your wedding is a wonderful occasion and a step into a happy life. Take it- whatever your father chooses. It isn't about you.

[Sad1979]

Thank you so much for responding! I am glad to know that I am not alone in this. There is definitely a triangle going on, w/ my step mother playing the perpetrator/victim role and my Dad playing the rescuer role. She criticizes me, then I respond to defend myself (me becoming the persecutor) then she says we (me, my brothers and sister in laws, even my nephews) have treated her like "crap" so then my Dad has to rescue her.  She is very controlling of my Dad as well. They share a cell phone, she used to run his FB page (she didn't have one of her own)  until she got mad and deleted it bc she accused me and my brothers of always posting pics of us together w/o them. (Which is not true, We get together every couple of months). She has not been to any family functions in about 4-5 years bc of how she is "treated". My Dad stopped coming as well a couple of years ago bc he is "supporting" his wife. She will only do things w/ us kids separately. So, she expects us to go to a bunch of different Christmases, when we could all just get together at once (bc me and my brothers, their wives and their children still have a family get together even tho they don't come). She says we keep the grandkids from them, which is not true, it's just w/ schedules we have to work out a time that works for everyone. If the time she is available doesn't work, then we are keeping the grandkids from them on purpose. I can't talk to my Dad on the phone w/o her listening, I can't send him an email or a letter w/o her getting it first. She has even deleted a voicemail from my brother on Father's Day and didn't even tell him he called. I feel like I definitely have to walk on eggshells around her. She isn't happy w/ meeting for lunch, we have to go to their house, but when we do go their house, someone looked at her wrong, or said something wrong, so she ends up feeling hurt anyway, when we had no intention of offending her. My Dad is such an amazing man and I love him so much and I am so sad that he is now in this manipulative marriage and isolated from everyone. He does not like confrontation, is very easy going and does not create drama. I don't know how to set boundaries w/ her w/o offending her. I don't want to have to keep walking on eggshells around her. I want to be able to have a free and open relationship w/ my Dad. He is now to the point of telling us he is not going to have anything to do w/ us unless we come down to their house and work things out w/ her. But, he knows there is no working things out w/ her. We may make up and move on, but it's always gonna be something else and something else and something else. I can't keep dealing w/ the drama and always being blamed for her "perceived" slights. How do I set  boundaries w/ her w/o making things worse, while trying to maintain a relationship w/ my father. I lost my mother 16 years ago when she met a counselor online that manipulated her into leaving and divorcing my Father and moving many states away. I have only seen her 2 times in the past 15 years, and I rarely talk to her bc the "counselor" she is w/ now is also very controlling and manipulative, and has her wrapped around his little finger. I don't want to lose my relationship w/ my Dad, too. It's so very sad how things have turned out bc me and my brothers had a very normal, loving childhood and relationship w/ our parents when we were growing up and now, it seems as if we have lost (or are losing) both of our parents.

[Notwendy]

It is interesting how both your parents have ended up in similar controlling relationships.

I understand how hard this is. I had a similar situation with my father- my mother listened in on phone calls, read his e mails. Any relationship with him was contingent on her being happy. If I didn't make her happy, then I couldn't have a relationship with him. This kind of thing led me to being a doormat to their wishes, and even the smallest error could become unforgivable.

I finally arrived at the point where I couldn't tolerate her behavior any more. She was emotionally abusive to me and to him. I didn't realize at the time that the cost of setting boundaries with her would be the relationship with my father. But mom wanted too much access to my kids without my being around to monitor that. I didn't think this was good for them. I chose to protect my kids, my family and myself.

I don't know what it is like to loose a relationship with a mother- that's so sad- but I don't feel as if I ever had a mother in the typical sense. The woman who is my biological mother didn't act like one. However, I had a father, a wonderful dad.

I really did feel that this was a choice of them, or my sanity. It made me consider what love was. I know my father loved me, but questioned how he could give up is relationship with me for her momentary happiness. Chasing his love and approval would require I think - not being me- not having my own self, my own boundaries- and the expectation that my purpose was her happiness. How could I do that? I couldn't.

I don't think we can replace our wish for parents, but I've found that I get more support from my friends and community. I hope you can reach out to others for this. I know you love your father but he chose this and you can not get him out of this. Live your life according to your values- if you want Christmas with your family- do that. Make it beautiful, not some stressful expectations. Create the family life you want with your own family. Stay in touch with your father- keep the door open to him- but he can only walk through that by his own choice.

Forgive him. He's addicted. Addicts surely are sad to see the effect of the addiction on themselves, their families, but they are powerless over it. Seeing our parents as they are doesn't undo the wonderful side of them, but they are imperfect people - like all people. Radical acceptance and forgiveness can lead to your own peace.