How do we know when they really want out?

[iamstarstuff]

Considering the push-pull tendencies of pwBPD, how do we know when they "really" want out. My H has been throwing around leaving for a few months now. He talks about it, I get upset, then it goes away.

Inevitably, sometime in the future his feelings of wanting his own space surface again. Today when I got home from work he told me he has made an appointment with a lawyer to initiate the divorce process. Considering we have three young sons (9, 6, 3) I am especially worried. I am feeling the drive to get off this roller coaster more and more.

*I have started the lessons and am trying to read a lot/practice my validation skills.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[stayingsteady]

Unfortunately, we don't know when they really want out, and unfortunately neither do they. 

These behaviors are fueled by emotion rather than reason and can be rather confusing. 

It's great you're increasing your validation skills.  You also may want to review the Setting Boundaries tool on the right.  Setting appropriate boundaries can help create a fair environment for both you and your husband.

Set boundaries can be extremely uncomfortable for someone with BPD.  That said they are crucial for your own mental health.  Using validation when boundaries are set can help decrease the chances a behavior will escalate.

[Meili]

Sadly, I must agree with stayingsteady, you can't know because they probably don't know. People with BPD (pwBPD) feel emotions far more intensely than nons. Their feelings become fact to them. Because emotions are an ever changing thing in human existence, this also means that the facts are ever changing for pwBPD. It can be scary and frustrating for the non.

Learning to be validating is hard. Often, the first step is to learn to Listen with Empathy. It is also usually easiest to start with working on not being invalidating until you get a good handle on being validating.

[earlyL]

My exdBPD spent six weeks saying she needed space. It was only when I couldn't take any more (she had cheated and couldn't decide her feelings for the other person) that I demanded she take some space, and she said she wanted to get her own place and see other people. I said I drew the line at that point. It was the hardest six weeks I have ever had as I felt that she wanted out but she kept saying she wanted to make it work. I received an I love you text four days after the final phone call. I'm not sure if this helps, but is my current situation. I don't know what will happen next, or indeed how I feel, it has been quite a rollercoaster.

LW

[iamstarstuff]

The comment that "their feelings become fact" rings so true. He is convinced that his mental health has declined since our marriage. He seems convinced he never loved me. I feel myself slipping into *almost* believing him. I think this is a pwBPD strength?

When he is saying these types of things, ie. our marriage is the problem, we were never in love, etc. any ideas for my best approach? I admit I struggle to listen with empathy or validate, especially since what he is saying is so deeply painful.

[stayingsteady]

No response towards an exact approach will be perfect because every situation is incredibly unique and extremely delicate, so you may want to take this advice with a grain of salt.

When statements like these are made they can definitely hurt.  However, for myself, I try to focus on what is felt rather than what is said.  Doing this can help an empathetic statement come out more naturally while also decreasing the pain of the words being used.

Hope this helps,

- StayingSteady

[iamstarstuff]

Thanks Stayingsteady, I will try. Focus on what is felt rather than what is said -- I'll have to repeat that one to myself many times over.

I'm looking for some encouragement here... .is there any hope that it won't always be like this? I'm not sure I can spend a lifetime like this.

[stayingsteady]

I definitely believe that there is hope. 

There are many members at bpdfamily who have seen significant improvements in their relationships.  bpdfamily actually began to collect these stories back in 2010.  You can find these stories here: 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=113820.0

I've found that these stories help me remember that there is hope even in the darkest times.

Hoping the best for you,

- StayingSteady