Not sure but it sure seems to present as BPD

[Wedge6]

Hi.

I've started and stopped two posts now because I am now stuck... .I'm wishing I would have found this place even years ago because maybe just maybe something different could be happening today... .but I also now know that unless the other involved is willing its not something I can continue to fret over.

I cover a lot of the introduction phrases : relationship over, divorce (its been filed by her), coparenting, and a few of the others related to the breakup of family.

My wife has not been diagnosed with BPD but the traits on the main page here scream out exactly what I feel I have been living with during our 7 year marriage. Unfortunately, what I have learned over the last month reading "Stop Walking on eggshells" is that I have had not had the tools to properly work within this environment. I'm not beating myself up over it, but more of a damn how did I miss this? My wife has been through a lot of trauma in her life (broken home as a child, sexual assault/rape) and never really did anything about it in mine and her family's opinion... .instead going to a general practicioner and getting a prescription for 225mg daily of Effexor... .in her mind this drug is what saved her. She doesn't believe in anything related to anything involving the word "psych"  She recently saw a psychologist for the first time in 20 some years because with her filing for a divorce I asked her not to file, I told her I would make my mental health concerns an issue because of our 4 kids. I'm concerned about bipolar too, but its the BPD traits that scream out at me.

The psycholgist did say that she presents ADHD traits rather obviously... .are ADHD and BPD things that can be together?

I guess I feel like everything is crashing in around me and no matter how often I talk to family and friends (I do this a lot and probably the only thing that keeps me from cracking) or a helpful therapist I'm still at a complete loss. The pain of this is something that I will get over, but its the kids that I lay awake at night thinking about.

I'm happy to be as specific or non specific as required or recommended.

I also want to make sure that I am clear that it takes two people for a relationship to fall apart and that I am by no means blameless in this.

Thank you.

[wendydarling]

Hello Wedge6 and welcome to bpdfamily, facing the facts 

Like you and many members here I started and stopped ... .and arrived, phew such a relief... the good news is you are not alone, many co-parents here, working through and learning to manage. 

I hear you Wedge6, what is most challenging for you today?

WDx

[Wedge6]

A few things but right now the biggest is existing in the same house while she tries to find a suitable place to move into. My attitude has been crummy and I know its not good for the kids but its tough to get over.

Part of it is that I found her journal on a common used family ipad that justified all of her behavior based on me being at fault (I've started to understand when these relationships fall apart its a 50/50 thing but you have to own 100% of yours)... .in there was also a confession that she has had multiple emotional affairs with male friends of hers over the last few years. I know I'm supposed to not let this stuff get to me but I can't help feeling disgusted over watching her suddenly become a Mom again after basically admitting that she purposely pushed the envelope over the last year to test me and see if I would respond the way she wanted me to... .me taking on the responsibilities she had surrendered wasn't the answer she was looking for (she wanted me to say "Why are you doing this?)

I'm struggling with all aspect of FOG still.

How do you go about co-parenting when you know (and others in her family) there is something wrong that your spouse refuses to even consider?

How can I make things easier for 4 impressionable children when I know that there are going to be 2 very different managed households?

[takingandsending]

Hey Wedge6.

I understand the heartache you have right now, the self-recrimination, the anger toward your STBxw, and your fear for your kids. I learned that my STBxw had BPD 2.5 years ago, and it's hard not to feel like the bottom is falling out of your world. Learning the communication tools on this website, the importance of validation, and small insights into how my wife processes life really helped me to move from overwhelm to grief and eventually to some recovery. The hardest part for me was how to separate and still maintain a secure, accepting and loving attachment for my children.

Most of us with BPD spouses do not co-parent. We angle for parallel parenting with strategies to prevent communications from becoming damaging to us or our children. I learned how the creation of boundaries that are firm, clear and consistent have only helped communications from becoming damaging. I am still learning how to communicate without JADEing (justifying, arguing, defending or explaining) and with understanding that for the pwBPD facts=feelings. These things don't make my life easier, but help prevent it from being harder.

Regarding your children, I hope you may find that you have more resources to be a dad once you are free of so much of ther time that was spent managing your spouse's outbursts and behaviors. That was the deal breaker for me that led me to ask for a divorce after 17 years of marriage. It takes time, but things do get better. And being there for your kids is one of the best reminders that you can do this.