daughter

[Winniethepoo]

Hi,

First time posting or even being in a thread like this. But BPD in my daughter has meant total chaos in our family and years of trying to figure out the best way to handle her. She is 30 yrs old now and we have been through endless episodes of rage, threats of suicide, calls to police and ER visits. She has been been cast away from her friends and some family members who can no longer tolerate her episodes which become incredibly mean and caustic. She has had access to the best of care with no shortage of counselors, psychiatrists, and med adjustments. My husband and I suffer from repeated verbal attacks and need to set boundaries but this is always met with suicide threats or hysteria. The days begin with an overwhelming dread thinking that at any moment things can spiral. It is like living with the feeling of potential abuse from a captor.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BowlOfPetunias]

We had years of unexplained pain that doctors and ER rooms said was just psychological.  A pediatric rheumatologist diagnosed Amplified Musculoskeletal Pain Syndrome. See https://www.chop.edu/conditions-diseases/amplified-musculoskeletal-pain-syndrome-amps.

[CC43]

Hi Winnie,

Your story is familiar to parents on this site.  Off the top of my head, my advice would be to take good care of yourself.  You deserve a life that isn't constantly dealing with (and worrying about) BPD.  My other advice would be to establish boundaries, basically to enable you to care for yourself!  Boundaries are not so much about changing your daughter, but about how you respond to certain situations.

These boards have all sorts of advice.  What works best for some might not work as well for others.  I invite you to look at some of the posts, and also to ask questions.

All my best to you.

[Pook075]

Hi,

First time posting or even being in a thread like this. But BPD in my daughter has meant total chaos in our family and years of trying to figure out the best way to handle her. She is 30 yrs old now and we have been through endless episodes of rage, threats of suicide, calls to police and ER visits. She has been been cast away from her friends and some family members who can no longer tolerate her episodes which become incredibly mean and caustic. She has had access to the best of care with no shortage of counselors, psychiatrists, and med adjustments. My husband and I suffer from repeated verbal attacks and need to set boundaries but this is always met with suicide threats or hysteria. The days begin with an overwhelming dread thinking that at any moment things can spiral. It is like living with the feeling of potential abuse from a captor.

Hey Winnie and welcome.  Your story echoes mine and raising our BPD daughter (now 25).  I know that fear all too well and it controlled every part of my life for over a decade.

A few things.  First, your daughter has a mental illness.  You want her to get better, but she's happy living how she is now because she gets everything she wants just by throwing a tantrum.  If you were in that situation and got everything you want, would you want things to change?  Of course not....because you're allowing her to run your life and dictate everything.  She's the self-proclaimed queen and you respond to her reign of terror by doing exactly what she tells you to do.

In other words, she's living her best life...even though she's miserable.  At least for now though, she can say everything is your fault (because you're allowing her to keep that narrative).

So what to do?

If she throws a tantrum, threatens to run away, to harm someone, to hurt herself, you dial 9-1-1 and say she's a threat to herself or others.  And I know what you'll say, you've done that.  But you haven't done it enough.  Have her committed 3x a week if necessary, until she gets so sick and tired of hospitals that she decides to maybe do things a bit differently.  Maybe in time she'll even realize that she can't treat her family that way and might have to deal with her own problems for the first time in her life.

I did this with my daughter at 18, we kicked her out of the house and told her good luck.  If she wanted to return, she would follow a few simple rules about being respectful, kind, and helpful.  If she couldn't do that, then out she went.  Of course, we got an explosion and threats, which is when we dialed 9-1-1.  She was gone for a week, threw a tantrum when we got home, and we kicked her out.

This process repeated over and over again, with our kid being homeless for almost two years.  She bounced from friends couches to halfway houses to mental institutions, begging to come home but wanting to punish us as well.  And we kept going back to those few simple rules...we want you here but you're not torturing the entire house with your nonsense.  It's your choice how to respond.

After maybe 3.5 years, she finally reached rock bottom.  Bad things happened to her because of the friends she kept (others with mental illness and drug abuse), and she checked herself into therapy.  She came home a few months later kind and remorseful, wanting to be a part of the family and also wanting to actively get past her mental illness. 

Suddenly she took therapy serious and her life began to change, as did our relationships with her.

I shared my story to point out two things:

1)  I couldn't save my kid, but I could protect my home from her.
2)  Nothing would change until my kid was ready to change.

Right now, you're enabling your daughter to behave badly.  She does something dumb, blames you, and then you do whatever she wants.  In short, this is your fault for accepting her behavior and it enables her to be even worse the next time.  You have to stop and send a clear message that abuse is no longer allowed in your home....do whatever it takes to get the point across.

In my case, kicking my kid out "saved her" and completely changed the course of her life.  In the moment, it was horrible and gut-wrenching to see her suffer and listen to her threats, but you must accept that those choices are on her and not you.  All you can do is dial 9-1-1 every time and wait for the life lessons to stick.

I hope that helps.

[Winniethepoo]

Pook,

Just read this post, after more ED admissions and a failed attempt at a 302.  She has become physical along with threatening her life. She left the ED  after she was released by the psychiatrist. She is on her own and now I have no idea where she is. My heart is breaking.

[ChitChatCharley]

I am so sorry, Winnie. What you are going through is my worst nightmare. My daughter is 16yo, so we're at the beginning of this. I hope you can gain some solace and peace. My heart aches for you.

[Winniethepoo]

My daughter thankfully checked herself into hospital. She was calm after being medicated and kept telling us that she wasn't a bad person and doesn't even know or remember what she says in fits of dysregulation. It is such a terrible disease. I am however, shocked at the psych health care system. For many reasons. 72 hr observation then inpatient( for a little bit longer) or partial hospitalization? Meds cannot be titrated in 72 hrs and she cannot be on her own or in our house after 72 hrs. And they rely on the patient who cannot even judge their emotions to relay information about their current state of mind.I am not sure we will even be asked to give information about the intensity of her outbursts which in my mind warrant inpatient care for at least a month. I am looked upon as being overbearing or meddlesome when I ask to speak to her treatment team to discuss her spiral over the last few months. I can tell you I am a medical professional and merely want the best care which is based on actual observations. I am generally shocked at the psych system. With any other disease the family is asked to play a pivotal role in providing information and helping in their care. Those patients do better with a combined effort with a solid plan for treatment. My feeling is that they are always keeping the family at arms length and I'm sure that is because of the history of traumatic psych admissions in the past which were against someone's will etc.

[Pook075]

My daughter thankfully checked herself into hospital. She was calm after being medicated and kept telling us that she wasn't a bad person and doesn't even know or remember what she says in fits of dysregulation. It is such a terrible disease. I am however, shocked at the psych health care system. For many reasons. 72 hr observation then inpatient( for a little bit longer) or partial hospitalization? Meds cannot be titrated in 72 hrs and she cannot be on her own or in our house after 72 hrs. And they rely on the patient who cannot even judge their emotions to relay information about their current state of mind.I am not sure we will even be asked to give information about the intensity of her outbursts which in my mind warrant inpatient care for at least a month. I am looked upon as being overbearing or meddlesome when I ask to speak to her treatment team to discuss her spiral over the last few months. I can tell you I am a medical professional and merely want the best care which is based on actual observations. I am generally shocked at the psych system. With any other disease the family is asked to play a pivotal role in providing information and helping in their care. Those patients do better with a combined effort with a solid plan for treatment. My feeling is that they are always keeping the family at arms length and I'm sure that is because of the history of traumatic psych admissions in the past which were against someone's will etc.

Hi Winnie.  Unfortunately, that's the mental health game since the system is COMPLETELY BROKEN.  Psychiatrists realize what all of us eventually have to accept though, things can't get better until the patient is willing to change.

For my daughter (and many, many others on this site), the first few trips to mental health facilities were meaningless because the staff (1) didn't care and/or (2) accepted that they were powerless to make change without the patient's assistance.  That's why you keep going back, keep visiting different hospitals until you find that one doctor that does care and is willing to play the long game with your daughter.

For us, it took almost 6 years before we found our psychiatrist...and our daughter hated him at first.  But he was effective and challenged her thinking (which was why she hated him).  Years later though, he's the one she sought out when she was serious about changing because she knew he was the only one that truly understood her.

One other thing; mental health facilities are hospitals and they play by the same rules that you do at work.  So call and ask for a case manager, and then call right back if you aren't taken seriously.  If it doesn't happen, then try for a new facility the next time.  Eventually you will find someone who will listen and chart what's actually going on....it is critical for a therapist to have the full picture.

Good luck...and again, I'm so sorry.  Every part of what you're going through is horrible.  Just remember your boundaries though, don't let her return home and control your house.