Hello and welcome to the group
There's a different kind of pain when even though you aren't the one in the BPD relationship, you're watching a loved one jump in and lose himself. It's so painful not to have any control over what he does, and to feel like you don't have a way to reach him about what you're seeing. What you're saying here makes sense:
I am in the middle of listening to the book, "No More Walking on Eggshells”. Wow, I feel overwhelmed, sad, and bewildered. Yet the events of the past 4 years are now making more sense. This leaves a combination of a pit in my stomach and validation.
it's like it's a relief to find out what it is... but the price is, you find out what it is.
We are learning not to step on Peg’s emotional landmines but it’s tricky. Oh how we would love to wake Ted up to the realization of all of this but we’ve been strongly advised that this is not the route to take, that we will likely be shut out entirely by mentioning the reality he is living in. We won’t risk that.
So where are Jake and I in our grief? We are partially in denial, angry, sad, and bewildered. Still a long way from the acceptance stage of grief. We’re trying to figure out how to detatch from the crazy but remain in relationship. How in the world does one do that? We can’t save him but we want to.
About 10 years ago, one of my closest (male) friends got in a relationship with a woman diagnosed with BPD. There was nothing I could say that would get through to him -- it was like he had to ride the whole ride to hit rock bottom himself. Really, really difficult to watch, but yes, preserving the relationship so you can be there if/when things implode is critical. I think if I had been pushier, more intrusive, tried harder to convince him to get out, then if she had seen any of my texts/emails, she might have started to focus on me as a problem and pushed him to cut me off.
Because I remained "nonthreatening" she didn't target me and really didn't see me as a player. When the relationship fell apart I was still friends with my friend and helped him pack and move away from her place.
So it's smart of you to work on finding that balance of declining to engage with unhealthy stuff, but staying connected and in the relationship with him. I would think it would mean a lot to him to feel like you and your spouse love him unconditionally and are reliable and dependable. This may be a long journey, so your consistent, calm actions may communicate to him over the years that no matter what, if stuff falls apart, you will be there for him.
Do you have any opportunities to talk just with your son on the phone, or is his wife always on the calls, too?