Intense Hate

[Torched]

Is there anyone here who divorced their BPD spouse and when it was over they began experiencing very intense hatred?

I am... .

I never "hated" her the entire marriage.  In fact I've disliked a few people in my forty years on the planet but I can't say that I've ever hated any.  Never felt that way about former girlfriends, jerky people, anyone.

But right now, I despise her.  Loathe her.  I'm pissed that I have to be in touch with her for the rest of my life because of the kids, too... .

I'm a nice guy.  Not used to this.  Tell me it will fade a little.

[anna58]

I am sorry you are going through this. Yes, it will fade. Maybe the intense hate episodes won't last as long or they will happen less frequently. My pwBPD is a boyfriend, who is about to leave. I go from feeling lovingly towards him to being royally pissed off. I am embarrassed by my responses. I am not like this with anyone else.  Sigh.

[infjEpic]

Is there anyone here who divorced their BPD spouse and when it was over they began experiencing very intense hatred?

I am... .

I never "hated" her the entire marriage.  In fact I've disliked a few people in my forty years on the planet but I can't say that I've ever hated any.  Never felt that way about former girlfriends, jerky people, anyone.

But right now, I despise her.  Loathe her.  I'm pissed that I have to be in touch with her for the rest of my life because of the kids, too... .

I'm a nice guy.  Not used to this.  Tell me it will fade a little.

It will fade. You will get to a point of being detached, and probably sooner than you expect.
It's no harm to loathe her tho - at least for a while.

[Torched]

I am sorry you are going through this. Yes, it will fade. Maybe the intense hate episodes won't last as long or they will happen less frequently. My pwBPD is a boyfriend, who is about to leave. I go from feeling lovingly towards him to being royally pissed off. I am embarrassed by my responses. I am not like this with anyone else.  Sigh.

Thanks.  Sorry you are, too.

I remember early in our relationship I did get really angry with her when she had episodes.  It just got to the point where I learned that no matter what, I was going to be on the losing end of whatever... .so I quit fighting and getting angry and started trying to please even when she was on the crazy side of something... .which was all the time.

Not a healthy existence.  I'm glad for you that you are getting out early.

[Mutt]

Hi Torched,

I never "hated" her the entire marriage.  In fact I've disliked a few people in my forty years on the planet but I can't say that I've ever hated any.  Never felt that way about former girlfriends, jerky people, anyone.

Have you been divorced before or is this your first experience?

I speak for myself when I say this, on it's own with the difficulty spike of a pwBPD, divorce is probably one of the hardest things to go through in life. It's tough on it's own merits and if you add BPD, the difficulty curve spikes up significantly.

I had a lot of really strong feelings directed at my exuBPDw, I felt betrayed because of her affair and I felt resentment too because I lost control of my role in the marriage, I'm not saying that I lost controlling my ex but the marriage was unsalvageable and I had to start all over again, financially, romantically etc... It wasn't a position that I wanted to find myself in, I kept trying to keep the marriage together for years to avoid this but what are you supposed to do when you have an erratic partner? She wasn't interested in problem solving, her behavior and mine too at time were destructive behaviors in r/s's.

Like you. I didn't look forward to the next decade and half with coparenting with her because I had seen first hand how high conflict that she was with her first child's dad. I wasn't looking forward to that and the anger was because she had placed everyone including the kids into a position that wasn't voluntary. Thankfully I found this forum, learned as much as I could about BPD and basic psych, I continue to learn, I learned to depersonalize the behaviors, it was crucial in my healing. Typing out my experiences and sharing it on this forum was huge help, I feel like I processed all of it here.

Anger is good to detach from unhealthy r/s's, I wouldn't worry too much. I can understand if the feeling is foreign and wanting to check with others.

[abused by bpd]

Torched,
     This is a perfectly normal and rational response. Very sorry that you have been put in this position. It is one of the consistent patterns of every split from a BPD/NPD/ASPD. This is the final chapter of the irretrievably broken relationship. The final invalidation and dig the ex has on you. To make you feel the lessor person, the bad person, for the way you feel. It is actually a good thing to be angry and feel a strong dislike, for this person, as you go through the divorce process. It is of utter importance that you remain strong and diligent in this process. You can not become week, feel bad about your feelings and give in. If you do not stand strong the divorce process can become very difficult and make you want to throw in the towel. I would highly recommend reading Splitting Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone With Borderline Or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger. I found this book to be especially helpful in all aspects, especially regarding children involved.
     This intense hatred will fade. Especially after the divorce is finalized. I would also suggest making certain that you have a therapist well trained in the ability to teach you the mechanisms to block the most traumatic experiences you have suffered. A good therapist will not spend time reliving and re-traumatizing specific incidents of the past. But, will teach you how to disarm them. This will be a great help to reduce the hatred, and guilt for that hatred.
     I do not know what your exBPD's relationship is with your children? Certainly it can not be authentic, unconditional love. You may end up very surprised at how little contact you must have with her. If any.
     In my case I was very fortunate. Even though I stayed and exposed my children for way too long. My children were adults when I finally ended it. They had already learned all the facets of the BPD nightmare. They new the truth. My ex disappeared (overnight) and was never heard from again. My children nor myself were ever going to have any type of contact with her ever again anyway.
     Keep your head up and never look back. You know by now, you and your children deserve better. You can only move forward and look to start a new life that does not include BPD and it's abuse. You deserve to be you again.
     Best wishes

[Torched]

Thanks mutt and abused for your experiences.

I did read Stop Walking on Eggshells twice and Splitting twice this last summer just before the divorce started; definitely mandatory reading and I was lucky to do so.  Helped give me the courage.

I like the idea that this is part of finally separating myself from her.  After all, it was a 17 year relationship.

And writing all these posts on this board the last few days has been a godsend.

[Mutt]

Have you read Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist?

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist ‎

It's a good book for the non, a lot of books are about the pwBPD , it talk about enmeshment and how to untangle from a pwBPD, setting boundaries, techniques to communicate your boundaries, explores the dynamic of the r/s, where the resentment and anger comes from for a non, why a pwBPD need caretaker's, how to take care of yourself. SWOE is a good read, Stop Caretaking the Borderline Borderline Narcissist is just as good

[bus boy]

Sorry you are going through this traumatic experience. You are going through very normal stages of healing. It will fade, I hated many things Xw did and hated her. But it only held me back. I had to change my thinking or sink with the ship. I wasted many good years of my life on resentment and it got me nowhere. You can hate what she did and work on detaching from that, don't hate her, she is sick, has an emotional disorder. Get a good T, keep posting and reading the posts and replies. I got a lot out of reading many posts on here. Write all you can, it helps great to write your feelings in a journal. I use to pour it all out in emails to my T, she read every one I sent her and it gave her a good sence of where I was at emotionally. You can turn this into a positive for you if you choose to. One of the best things I read on here and it helped so much was, " this is a process not an event" you can grow and thrive or you can stay mired in hate we all have the choice. I tried the mired in hate and lost a lot of good years off my life.