My sons BPD girlfriend is living in our house

[Ann Marie 86]

I keep putting off this post because I think things will turn around but they never do. Let me be clear, the girlfriend has not been diagnosed with anything other than an eating disorder and PTSD/anxiety/panic attacks. However, I am starting to suspect it is borderline personality disorder.

My son, who lives with us, has a girlfriend who was going to college and would occasionally stay at our home. Eventually, she was staying more days then not. Then had a suicide attempt (in our home) and then dropped out of college and moved in "until she was stable". She did not go home because at the time she told my son she was astrainged from her family because of past abuse and a homeless mother. It has now been about a year since this all began and she did not go back to college, moved her dorm room into our guest room and has convinced our son that my husband and I are terrible horrible people who treat her very poorly when he is not around. He has graduated from college and has a job that he goes to regularly. He pays for everything, drives her everywhere pays for her to have a dog yoga membership, etc.

She does not have a job, does not go to college and does not have a drivers license. We have asked many times for her to move out and my son states that the only way that is going to happen is if he gets an apartment and they move in together. Our biggest fear with this is that then she will have him completely isolated. She has convinced him that his high school friends are bad and his college friends are bad and he has cut off all contact with them. She is now convincing him that my husband and I are bad and he constantly has conversations with us about how we treat his girlfriend. We gently remind him that we are allowing her to live in our house rent free and that we rarely have any interaction with her because we are either at work or she is upstairs in my son's room. Over time, my son has stopped speaking to us unless necessary, he glares at us and when we do talk with him or offer him lunch/dinner, etc he is put off. Anytime there is a family event, the girlfriend has some sort of medical emergency or panic attack and he can't be a part of it. When my daughter comes home from college, the girlfriend will have some sort of dramatic event to shift focus from my daughter to her and it ends up monopolizing all of my son's time so he can't hang out with my daughter. My son does see a therapist. However, he has told us that his therapist tells him that he and his girlfriend have a wonderful relationship and that they are both "have such a mature relationship". So I'm not sure how much, or what he is telling the therapist. My son and his girlfriend have started to triangulate my daughter in to their drama telling her about how horrible we are, but my daughter was actually put off by all of it and did not want to be put in the middle of it all. She was very upset and is now seeing a counsellor about the situation.

I want to emphasize that we hardly ever interact with the girlfriend and there have been no controversial conversations, we have never asked her to do anything around the house or confronted her about anything. She is so emotionally fragile that we are afraid to set off one of her panic attacks or give her any ammunition to use against us with my son.

Finally, I also want to mention that our dog was strangely injured several times while we were away and my son and the girlfriend were home. We had to rush to the emergency vet late at night or on a weekend. One of those times my son asked us to thank the girlfriend for taking care of the dog til we got home and to apologize to the girlfriend for being exposed to the trauma of the sick dog. Once again, blaming us for doing something to hurt his girlfriend.

I sometimes feel like I'm crazy and these are all just strange conicidences. So then I reset my attitude and try to do nice things for the girlfriend (offer to bring her lunch or coffee, etc) and it is somehow twisted around to my son and I have done something rude to her again. So now I just stay in my bedroom when I am home to avoid any contact or any misunderstandings at all.

I guess after that long ramble, what we are trying to decide if we kick the girlfriend out at risk of never seeing our son again, or do we continue to allow this girlfriend to live in our house and hope our son eventually sees the person that she actually is? Right now all her drama/anger/emotions are directed at us. If they move out I'm assuming they will all then be directed at my son.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Happywannabe]

Your home should be where you can relax and feel safe. This does not sound like your situation.If your son is over 21 I would suggest that the two of them would be happier in their own place. Tell him you love him but it would be for the best. Life is too short to have to stay in your bedroom to avoid people in your own home. Let him deal with his girlfriend. Until this happens treat yourself-maybe a Starbucks?

[Ann Marie 86]

Your home should be where you can relax and feel safe. This does not sound like your situation.If your son is over 21 I would suggest that the two of them would be happier in their own place. Tell him you love him but it would be for the best. Life is too short to have to stay in your bedroom to avoid people in your own home. Let him deal with his girlfriend. Until this happens treat yourself-maybe a Starbucks?

Yes. I think that is what we are leaning towards. And yes, I could definitely use a treat.

[Sancho]

Hi Ann Marie 86
Can I just ask how the day to day things happen ie
Do you cook meals for them
Do their washing
Do they pay anything
How much interaction is there on a daily/weekly basis

It's a very difficult situation and a very difficult decision to make because - as you can imagine - the drive to isolate your son could possibly/probably become much worse if they moved out.

Tough one!

[Sancho]

Ps Am very concerned about the dog situation

[Sancho]

Hi again
Just want to comment on what you said here:

 Right now all her drama/anger/emotions are directed at us. If they move out I'm assuming they will all then be directed at my son.

In my experience of BPD it continue to  directed at you - and more so, much more so. It will be another big reason to isolate your son and at the moment your ds seems to be totally enmeshed in his gf's narrative so I am not sure moving will be the catalyst that helps him see things clearly.

[js friend]

Hi Ann Marie 86,

What a horrible situation to be in.

I think that there will always be the risk of your son being isolated if he and his girlfriend move out but I also think that your son  may also have more clarity of the situation  with the  g/f if he is on his own with her. At the moment you and your dh are there and provide a safety net and  she wont feel that she should change her behaviour because she doesnt have to. It seems like she has worked on everybody. She has successfully come between you and your son and tried to triangulate your dd. What guest in your home does that,.... and what's next? I think her demands will only get worse because she knows that she can play your son against you. As sancho asks, does you ds g/f do anything around your home, or just sit in her room despiseing you all day......if so, wouldnt she feel better being out of your home and lounging about somewhere else? Seriously I would ask her that question.

Im also so sorry to hear about your dog and it does sound suspicious to me that he always ends up injured when you are not there. I read a post on here many years ago about a member who had a cat. I cant remember all the details but he had this cat before  before his r/s with g/f he suspected had bpd. He also suspected that she would mistreat his cat when he wasnt around. Turns out that when the r/s ended she later admitted to mistreating the cat because she felt jealous of the affection he showed towards it.