Separated from Partner - Mixed Signals / Push-Pull / Strategies to Support Him

[confusedpartner0]

Hello! I'm so glad to discover this site since other forums seem to stigmatize BPD and emphasize ending the relationship no matter what. This is absurd to me and completely out of the question. I love my partner despite the inherent difficulties his BPD pose at times.

I'm (34M) currently separated from my partner with BPD (37M). We lived together, were engaged, and are legal domestic partners. He moved out two months ago after his worst major splitting episode. We have had a few weeks of no contact here and there, but he breaks it under the guise of logistical issues which I realize he's missing me. I'm primarily looking for general advice on what may be best for him based on the experiences of others.

• Maintaining limited contact?
  Providing emotional support?
  Going back to no contact whatsoever (if so, for how long?)?
  Other?

The gritty details are I have been undergoing cancer treatment. He initially rallied behind me and helped find excellent doctors and research different treatment options, etc. Back in mid-September, he split on me, like a light switch. We were having an affectionate moment playing video games in bed together and he stood up and demanded the login and password to my healthcare accounts. I set a boundary and declined. As you might expect, this wasn't received well and he stated:

• I never had cancer
  I made it all up to get the attention I never received as a child because I was an orphan
  I made it all up to trap him in the domestic partnership

He then packed a bag and left in the middle of the night. Over the following days he showed some awareness and was apologetic, but then reneged on that and doubled down. He's left for a night or two in the past over some fabricated crisis. I never respond to his yelling, which I realize is out of frustration and emotional dysfunction, not anger. I've consistently stayed calm and been a source of stability for him. But this time that doesn't seem to be enough.

For two months now, he's vacillated between saying how much he misses me, our dog, our home, the life and memories we shared, while simultaneously being insistent he "needs space to protect" himself, needs to be single, etc. He agreed to couples therapy, took initiative to find a professional and schedule it all himself, then picked a fight and backed out the night before our first session. We're both in individual therapy, though I question the effectiveness of his, which, in my opinion, is more of a "feel good" therapy to check a box rather than good therapy that pushes him toward growth.

Also worth noting is that there has been shared substance use. He is a self-described addict, but has questioned the sustainability of full sobriety programs like AA. We've had periods of sobriety together where I've gladly locked up the liquor in a storage unit. I've often reminded him he's his best self without substances, but never pressured him one way or the other. He's in AA, attending daily meetings, and currently 35~ days sober which I'm proud of. Yet he's using it as a shield to justify being apart from me. He says everyone in the program is pressuring him to not date until one year of sobriety. He switches between deeply valuing the AA program and complaining about it.

My therapist, who is in recovery himself and a respected community figure for years, mentioned there’s actually nothing in the literature that advises against being in a relationship during the first year of sobriety. In fact, when it comes to nurturing and mending an existing relationship, that’s often seen as a positive, grounding influence rather than a risk. There’s guidance around reducing stress and avoiding sudden changes, but cutting someone important out of your life would itself be a major, destabilizing change. I explained this to him and he wasn't receptive, stating it's a difference of opinion.

What can I do? Obviously, I need to wait, and it may be a long wait until he's ready to restore what we had. I've received conflicting advice, however, on the best approach. What has worked for you all to restore a fractured relationship with your partner with BPD? Thanks so much for your time and happy holidays to everyone.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[LittleRedBarn]

First of all, I am so sorry to hear of your cancer diagnosis. I hope you are doing okay.

Do you think it is possible that your diagnosis/treatment triggered an acute fear of abandonment in your partner, leading to his current behavior?

The reason I ask is that I was diagnosed with cancer in April 2023 and it coincided with my dBPD husband having a major mental health breakdown. I have asked him many times since then whether the cancer triggered the breakdown and he says absolutely not. Certainly at the time, he seemed to handle my diagnosis well, although looking back he was completely unconcerned about it, which is slightly weird. But the more time and distance that I get from the events of last April, the more certain I am that my diagnosis was a major factor. It wasn't the only reason, but it was the straw that broke the camel's back.

In my experience, things got a lot better for us once I had completed my cancer treatment and was given the all-clear. It meant that I had to undergo chemotherapy and surgery alone, without his support, but I think that was probably better for both of us. I'm not sure that my husband would have been capable of supporting me through all that.

Just something to think about maybe?

[confusedpartner0]

Do you think it is possible that your diagnosis/treatment triggered an acute fear of abandonment in your partner, leading to his current behavior?

In my experience, things got a lot better for us once I had completed my cancer treatment and was given the all-clear. It meant that I had to undergo chemotherapy and surgery alone, without his support, but I think that was probably better for both of us. I'm not sure that my husband would have been capable of supporting me through all that.

Just something to think about maybe?

Yes, 100%, I think his fear of losing me was the main trigger. Similarly to you, my partner has denied this, but it's clear as day to me and anyone who knows us. I was given brochures at the cancer center about "coping with the loss of a partner post-diagnosis" and it had a statistic that people with recent cancer diagnoses are 8x more likely to undergo separation or divorce. That's without considering the special circumstances of partner with BPD. Despite his assertions otherwise, I similarly thought my partner was unprepared to handle the situation. So, I kept a solid distance between him and my care, which I'm sure contributed to his paranoia about it being fictitious. He's very sensitive, which is something I love about him, and I was just trying to protect him.

I'm so sorry you went through that alone. I'm experiencing a lot of the same right now. I felt very hurt and betrayed initially, but I've since accepted it. I've realized there are things I can't expect from him. Yet, I still love him, and think there is still a net positive to our relationship.

While I'm trying to remain optimistic, I'm unsure I'll share a similar outcome as you. The challenging thing is that I don't have a positive prognosis. He's aware of this. The future I keep imagining is his continued withdraw from me as an effort to protect himself from feeling abandoned and hurt. Then eventually my time will come, without proper reconnection or reconciliation. And my biggest fear is that he'll be unable to forgive himself and do something drastic.

[confusedpartner0]

In my experience, things got a lot better for us once I had completed my cancer treatment and was given the all-clear. It meant that I had to undergo chemotherapy and surgery alone, without his support, but I think that was probably better for both of us. I'm not sure that my husband would have been capable of supporting me through all that.

Do you mind sharing what that period looked like for you? Did you maintain limited contact? Was it a gradual improvement over several months?

Even though our situations are different, this has been so helpful. This has felt like a fairly unique set of circumstances, which has made everything feel especially confusing and isolating. Hearing your story does give me a bit of hope.

[LittleRedBarn]

I'm so please this was helpful. I hesitated over whether to post it, because I didn't want to make it sound like your problems were all about 'me'! Probably another indication of my caretaking/co-dependency traits!

My dBPD husband didn't 'leave' me, as your partner has. Instead he made an extremely serious suicide attempt that landed him in a psych ward for 8 weeks, followed by intensive outpatients for a further 6 weeks. At the end of that period, his family made allegations against me (essentially they were blaming me for his suicide attempt) which led to a Protective Order being brought against me, so we were forbidden from living together and could only have virtual contact.

The 'virtual contact only' continued right through my surgery and chemotherapy, although we did obtain dispensation from the court for him to be with me when I went under anaesthetic for an 8-hour surgery. He wasn't allowed to drive me to or from the hospital, though.

The order was modified to a 'residential stay-away' in May, over a year later. This means that we can meet up outside the home, and my husband can visit me where I am living, but I cannot go to his (our) house.  By the time the order was modified, I had completed all my treatment and had been given the all-clear, although I have to continue to take medication for the next 10 years to prevent a recurrence.

So our separation was imposed by outside forces, rather than self-imposed, which is different to yours. In hindsight, it probably saved our marriage. Both of us have had extensive therapy and have committed to make the changes we need in order to create a more healthy relationship. We have also worked hard on creating individual lives, outside of the relationship (we had become very isolated).

What has really helped both of us is DBT-based therapy. I have also had some more classical psychoanalysis, which has helped me to understand the vulnerabilities to a co-dependent relationship that I have had since childhood. But I can't praise DBT highly enough for a relationship with someone with BPD. It works (to an extent) whether the pwBPD has the therapy or not - the 'Family Skills' training is invaluable for anyone dealing with a BPD partner or family member.

Other resources that have helped me have been Fjelstad's 'Stop Caretaking the Borderline' book, also the 'Walking on Eggshells' book and 'Loving someone with BPD' by Shari Manning. There are also lots of resources on this site to help.

If there is one piece of advice that I would give from my experience, it is to prioritize self-care. Your body is going through a lot right now. Eat well, get whatever exercise is right for you, work on your sleep hygiene, address any substance issues, prioritize time with friends and family, do things that will make you feel good about yourself. Stop worrying about your partner for now. If you have cancer, this time is for you. Maybe you can re-frame this period of separation as time for you to look after yourself, rather than looking after someone else's needs.

If you would like to DM me, please do.

[LittleRedBarn]

The challenging thing is that I don't have a positive prognosis. He's aware of this. The future I keep imagining is his continued withdraw from me as an effort to protect himself from feeling abandoned and hurt. Then eventually my time will come, without proper reconnection or reconciliation. And my biggest fear is that he'll be unable to forgive himself and do something drastic.

I apologize, I didn't see the first of your posts before posting my reply. I'm so sorry to hear of your prognosis.

I totally understand why you would be concerned that your partner will continue to withdraw, and that eventually he could be left alone without any proper chance of reconciliation. Or, worse, that he might do something drastic. But you are not responsible for his feelings, or for any actions that he may or may not take. I have had to learn the hard way (by fighting it through court) that I was not responsible for my husband choosing to try to kill himself. It's really, really tough when we care so much about them, but we need to let them lead their own lives and not try to protect them.

My heart goes out to you and I wish you all the best.

[peace-please]

This may or may not be relevant, but chiming in on splitting and cancer. My STBex split on my best friend for months, following a cancer diagnosis. My friend and her husband were part of the small circle of regular friends for my wife. I think it was both rooted in abandonment through death and about the situation drawing my attention/emotions. She did stop splitting for the last few months of my friend’s life, thankfully for everyone involved.