Protecting my mental health while dealing with a BPD adult daughter

[Musiclover8]

Hello. I am new here and this is my first post. I am happy to have found this forum. I have been struggling emotionally while dealing with my 31 year old daughter with BPD. She has also been diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. I see more BPD traits than autism. One of the things my daughter does is "collect" mental health diagnoses. She told me at one time that she was given seven diagnoses. This helps with her victim story. The more labels and the more traumas the better for her. I didn't understand her behavior for a long time until I found out that she had BPD. I have been reading to understand this condition. It is really affecting me emotionally.

I have been a single mother since she was 2 yrs old. She still lives with me because she can't keep a job. She blames me for everything even making up stories of the many ways she was traumatized in childhood yet she won't leave and is dependent on me. Reading some of the posts here has helped me realize that her "storytelling" is a symptom of her illness.

My focus now is my own mental and emotional health. I want to thrive and enjoy my life. I desire to keep myself mentally and emotionally safe and healthy. I am looking for strategies to create healthy boundaries and protect my mental/emotional state in ways. I appreciate any suggestions.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Welcome Musiclover,

Your story will resonate with that of many parents on these boards.  I think you hit the nail on the head in recognizing your daughter's victim mentality.  I've often thought that the victim mentality is perhaps the worst part of BPD.  Why?  It reflects an extremely negative mindset.  It primes her to detect signs of abuse or unfairness at every turn, even if nothing untoward happened or was ever intended.  She will re-interpret events and distort facts to make herself out to be a victim.  As a perpetual victim, she thinks that everyone else is mean to her, and that everyone else has to change, not her.  This means that she typically doesn't have friends (at least not for long), and she's likely extremely lonely.  She wants friends, but her outbursts and demandingness drive them away.  Worst of all, because she thinks that everyone else is set on ruining her life, she herself feels helpless and powerless.  She has no agency over her life.  She feels "stuck, and "behind" everyone else.  Does that sound about right?  Because she's so stuck, she feels childish.  That's probably why she dredges up ancient grievances from her "terrible" childhood, and she's blaming you for the sad state of her life.  In fact, she resents you for being so dependent on you.  Am I on track here?  That all sounds like classic BPD.

If all that sounds about right to you, I want to let you know that you are not to blame.  I'm sure that you did the best you could.  As a single mom, surely life wasn't perfect--but perfection is an impossible standard.  Your daughter is an adult now, and she's responsible for her own feelings, not you.  If she's telling all sorts of outrageous stories about how you abused her growing up, her words are surely highly exaggerated, and you shouldn't be wracked by guilt.  I know, that's easier said than done.  Yet I'll tell you something I discovered about my stepdaughter with BPD:  whenever she dredged up stories about supposed "abuse" from her childhood, it was a sure sign that she was facing stresses or disappointments in her current life.  That was her coping mechanism.  Because she couldn't handle the pressures of adulting, she'd resort to blaming her terrible childhood on messing her up, and then she'd be absolved of adult responsibilities!  It was all deflection and blame-shifting, a mal-adaptive way of coping with adult stress, resulting in regression to a highly unstable, child-like, tantrum-prone state.  If you see it that way, then maybe you won't feel so guilty, and maybe you can extricate yourself from joining your daughter on her intense emotional rollercoaster rides.  So that's what I do when I see someone riled up:  I try to stay as calm and boring as a gray rock.  I tell myself, I'm not going on this rollercoaster ride right now.  If she's having an adult tantrum, I give her an adult time out.  She needs time and space to cool off.  Don't check in on her, and don't interrupt her time out.  She'll decide when she's ready to re-engage.  Only engage when she's being calm and respectful.  That could be a boundary for you:  when she's shouting, acting up or accusing you of abuse, you don't engage.  You stay silent, or you extricate yourself (leave the room, or get on with wiping down the counter, or say you've got to check on the laundry).  When you engage, you tend to feed her emotional fire.

If she gets you riled up, then think of some self-soothing techniques.  I keep in mind a bunch of things I do to remain calm.  Taking a walk outdoors is one.  Others are taking a quick bath, mindless chores like ironing, deep "box" breathing, working a puzzle, stretching, listening to calming music or focusing on the five senses.  If you keep a list of coping techniques in mind, then you're more likely to call on them when needed.

I guess my number one tip to you is to live your life.  Do you resent your daughter sometimes?  That's because you're doing things for her that she should be doing for herself by now, and she's keeping you from living the life you want to live.  I'm not saying that you abandon her, but I am saying that you are allowed to prioritize your self-care.  You don't have to be stuck at home babysitting her all the time.  You go out with your friends and pursue your interests.  In fact, I think you should model what a healthy adult's life looks like.  How does that sound to you?

All my best to you.

[js friend]

Hi MusicLover8,

 I think abuse isolates us in many ways with the isolation and the emotional toll it takes on us. It becomes a secret . I personally felt that I would be blamed, shamed for my parenting or even disbelieved by others so I kept to myself for a very long time. I also thought that if i stayed at home more then my udd wouldnt have the opportunity to do the things she did, but in reality udd was always up to something and planning and plotting whether she was in her room or out of the house without a care in the world. I also felt that I living in a truly hostile environment and didnt even feel I could have visitors over because udd would be either screaming at me or giving me the silent treatment. Meanwhile I was the one who was trying to make things better, dealing with the isolation and losing my mind in the process.

What helped me was to become committed to having a social life again. I took classes, joined groups and planned things to do on my weekends and any free time that I had. To begin it was a struggle to focus on doing these new things but I just knew that I had to get back out there. Becoming  an occasional dog walker was also something I considered to get me out of my home on a regular basis, and also voluntary work.

Life is really for living Musiclover8 and believe me, your dd will do what she does whether you are there or not. it is healthy to put some space between you and your dd.