BPD and Dissociation

[Deepsea diver]

Hi, I'm new here. Just been reading walking. On eggshells.

And not even done with the book. As I feel like I need to talk to someone and to know I'm not losing the plot or maybe I'm the one with the problem. It's been such a toss up.
Let me first give a background about myself. I had a binge drinking problem for years and last year 3rd of January I decided to stop and I discovered breathework and natural healing. I found my outdoor adventures come back to life and felt alive for the first time ever. I've always believed in psychedelics and the benefits from and of it. Its been aife changing journey and I have been running and training for an ultra trial run. I work as a saturation diver in the oil and gas industry. So I'm gone for about 6+- weeks at a time and the rest of the time home.
Then I met the most incredible person. We had a blast and we had some amazing psychedelic experiences opening up about all the hard things in life. We of course fell deeply in love and we are now 9months down the line.
We are engaged and the wedding. Is planned. So much _____ has happened. She has a horrible history and childhood. She put me through hell on my previous trips and this one is no different. I feel helpless hopeless and just plain angry and like I just need to keep my heart cold and communication limited.
I'm scared of what's to come. She has a 9 year old daughter and we have an incredible bond. As soon as there is a fight of a disagreement it spirals so badly. And all communication I have is WhatsApp. So when she cuts it I have nothing. It's hard as ________ to be here already but to have conflict and
A wedding coming up. I get blamed for not doing things and I get cut out of her life like she avoids and dismisses messages And when I bring it up I get slandered and then later when I say I'm done and not talking anymore then she apologises and then it just repeats.  She worries financially even though she doesn't work at all and only sits at home. And her business is falling apart and and and. I just don't know who to talk to or what to do. Any advice or help or anything pleAzse .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jabiru]

Hello and welcome As a follow-up book, I recommend Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist.

It sounds like you're unsure about the relationship. Have you considered postponing the wedding to give yourself a chance to listen to your feelings and to get a better feel for how the relationship will be in the long term?

Like you say, being in a relationship with a person with BPD can be push-pull. It's a special needs kind of relationship. You can read more about what's required from your side here.

Do you have any specific questions or issues you wanted to ask about?

[RevScot]

Hey Diver, thanks for sharing some of your story with us.  Before I found this group I spent many years thinking I was losing my mind trying to manage a family with an undiagnosed BPD wife.  The more I read here the more I understood myself, my wife and BPD.  Can I suggest spending some time reading the conversations here if you haven't already?  I've found significant validation in others stories.
Has your fiancee been diagnosed or is she in counselling?  Would she agree to counselling if she isn't already?  This is the way things become more manageable.  How did you come to the conclusion that you're dealing with BPD?
I think I would ask the same question about slowing things down with the wedding, is this possible to give you some time for thought?  I think it's incredibly important to realise BPD is a very serious disorder that doesn't get better on its own, in many cases it gets worse without treatment and hard work.  Many of us here have been navigating committed relationships with BPD partners for decades.  I wonder how many of us, if given the option, would go back and reconsider our choice to commitment?
Do you feel a commitment to her daughter? 
In my situation I wouldn't still be married if not for my kids.  She would ruin them if I we ever separated, and that's not something I could survive.  At least being the peacemaker I can protect my kids.
Sorry for the pain Diver.  You're not alone.