Newly diagnosed 16 year old daughter

[AdoptingHope]

Hello all! This is my very first post here and will likely be super rambling.  :help:My daughter has recently been diagnosed and I am struggling. Her symptoms have my head spinning. How do you keep your own head above water when trying to keep you child from drowning?

Very brief background: my daughter came to us via foster care in 2020, and her adoption was final in 2023. She has always struggled with lying and controlling her mouth. However, within the past several months her impulse control and now self harm has skyrocketed. She is putting herself in very dangerous situations, lying to cover it up, etc.. when she is caught in a lie, she presents as being incredibly sorry, depressed, etc and then quickly becomes sweet and affectionate and "committed to never doing it again".

I just...I am exhausted. The emotional roller coaster. The trickle of truth bombs. I get used to one reality and think I have a decent safety plan and then discover it was all lies and manipulation.

I don't know how much of what she says is true. I just don't know how to help when I feel like I don't even know who I am helping. It is putting such a strain on everyone in the house. My husband has the biggest heart and it is absolutely breaking. My 5 year old feels the vibes and is acting up. I am having panic attacks.

How do I keep her safe and also keep the family together and protect my own head and heart?!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm so sorry you're in this position and i remember those feelings vividly.  Deep breaths...you're going to get through this.

As a BPD parent, your biggest job is teaching right from wrong.  A diagnosis at 16 is rare, my BPD daughter met all the criteria at 15, but they didn't officially diagnose until 18 to see how much of the behavior was adolescence.  A lot if it is immaturity and not knowing why they're so emotional, so many highs and lows in rapid succession.  And a lot if it is figuring out how to please you while also thinking she's a full grown adult (that's not a BPD thing, it's a 16 year old thing).

Let's start with a few baby steps:

1) Learning right from wrong is critical and you can't be afraid of challenging her.  If she messes up, the punishment should fit the crime.  She will push back with many different tactics (figuring out what works through manipulation) and you must stand your ground with your husband.

2) You and husband have to be a super-team and discuss everything, have clear boundaries, and back each other up no matter what.  If he says she's grounded for a week, she's grounded for a week.  If you say no school dance this Friday, then it's not happening no matter how much she twists the truth and tries to set the two of you against each other.

If it hasn't already, that will become a narrative- dad is so unfair.  Mom only cares about the little one.  You're only doing this to get back at dad...stuff like that.  And that kind of thing can absolutely wreck a marriage, because everyone is so stressed and on edge.  So don't fall for it- team parents teach right from wrong.

3) At the same time though, you have to pay very close attention to her emotions and make it plainly obvious that you're on her side, that you're rooting for her, etc.  If she's down, try cheering her up.  If she's angry, focus on calming her down only.  That's tough to do when she's accusing and trying to argue, but you can't take the bait.  Just focus on her emotions and soothe them like a parent or friend would naturally do.

4) On the other hand, don't get dragged into her narratives and drama.  If something happened at school, then you can validate that it sounds terrible and you'd hate to feel that way.  Note the word feel...we're validating feelings here...not the actual narrative. 

With BPD, those can be two completely different things and the "truth" is created through emotions...her truth may not be anyone else's truth that was involved.  So if you try to argue "truth", you're going to lose every time because it only pushes her away.

5) When she escalates things, you should focus on calming her down.  But if she becomes abusive, then you should not just stand there and take it.  So no arguing and no accepting abuse.  These things fuel her BPD and make matters worse.  It's also teaching her that abuse to mom and dad is okay, it enables her to be more bold the next time.

In these cases, tell her you're going to walk away for a few minutes so everyone can calm down.  If that's not an option, be more direct and tell her that she's being unfair to you.  If things still persist and you feel like she's a threat to herself or others, it may be time to dial 9-1-1 for a trip to the hospital. 

Now, hospitals don't help much and it's very bureaucratic...it's more about checking boxes than actual treatment.  But it does make right from wrong very clear- if you threaten/abuse me (or yourself), then we're going to do this process all over again.  Sometimes it will lead to an in-patient stay, sometimes not.  It does make her second guess lashing out like that though.

6) One final thing- this is not your fault and it's not strictly your daughter's fault either.  The only way she gets better is choosing therapy and actively working past the worst of this.  That's incredibly hard to do as a teenager, so you're in for a bumpy road.  Be sure to show yourself some grace as well and remember that you can't personally "fix her"...you can simply teach right from wrong and be as compassionate as possible under the circumstances.

At the same time though, you also must take your mental health seriously.  Don't accept abuse, and don't hesitate to see a counselor to get more direct advice.  The same goes for your husband.  If you need some "me time" away from the drama, figure out a way to take it with the little one in tow.

I hope that helps- my BPD kid is 26 and past the worst of her BPD tendencies.  She chose to get better though and has been through hell to get there.  But she did it and she's a very different person because of that.

[js friend]

Hi Adoptinghope,

Your post took me right back to when my udd was 16yo and I too was struggling under the mental weight of bpd. I actually dont know how I made it through without becoming insane but somehow I did. My udd is now 31yo, but I remember those terrible teenage years as if was yesterday.
I think it is important to remember to take it one day, one hour or even one minute at a time and to get as much support as you can for you and your family including your  dd (if she is willing). My Gp was great at getting me the support I needed and from there we tried family therapy which also opened the doors to other mental health resources. My  Udd often didnt want to participate in a lot of what was offered but it helped me get through the toughest of times.

Also about the lying. I used to get hung up on it too and was often taken in by it and then upset when I realised that I had been lied to. I remember that once when udd and I had some counselling and I brought it up udd said that she would lie because "I ALWAYS said No" I knew that this wasnt true as I would often make a point of explaining to udd why I would say no (often it would be to actually keep her safe) but in her mind she was going to get her own way and do it behind my back regardless no matter what even if it meant making up the most fantastic lies or stories. Once I realised this I was able to let go of all the lying.....and get my blood pressure back under some control, and end my days of sleuthing, only then  udd's next complaint wto the family therapist was that I didnt ask her enough questions!......which I wasnt going to do when the chances were that she would be lying!