An exhausted, sad mom of adult BPD daughter

[Staciavoo]

Hello. I just found this site in a dark moment of yet another estrangement from my adult BPD daughter (she's 27). I feel lonely in my grief. BPD is so very difficult to describe to even my closest friends. And though my husband has walked this path with me from the beginning, even he can't understand the "mom target" dynamic with our daughter.

I hope to find -- and lend -- support.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[SaltyDawg]

Hello. I just found this site in a dark moment of yet another estrangement from my adult BPD daughter (she's 27). I feel lonely in my grief. BPD is so very difficult to describe to even my closest friends. And though my husband has walked this path with me from the beginning, even he can't understand the "mom target" dynamic with our daughter.

I hope to find -- and lend -- support.

Staciavoo,



We are here to listen to you and offer emotional support.  We are also eager for any emotional support that you might be able to give as well.

You are definitely not alone, as there are several members here who have been 'abandoned' by their daughters with "no contact" as she likely blames you for everything that is wrong with her, and this is exceptionally painful to listen to.  While my daughter is too young, she is threatening this.  However, many here are not so lucky with this, and are in the same position you are.

While you are in estrangement with your dear daughter, please do some self-care, whatever that might look like for you, so if and when she does resume contact (most children come back looking for money / financial support) you can be of a better mindset to be able to interact with her.

If you have specific questions, please ask, I or someone else will brainstorm with you for possible solutions.

Take care.

SD

[CC43]

Staciavoo, I feel for you and understand where you're coming from.  My diagnosed stepdaughter is about your daughter's age, and she has also gone through several cycles of estrangement.  She invariably resumes contact when she needs support, usually money, lodging, insurance or a co-signer.  That the resumption of contact feels so transactional doesn't lessen the pain.  I've gone through cycles of grief and hope many times now.  I'm also burdened by not seeing eye-to-eye with my husband about the situation, furthering the pain and grief on a day-to-day basis.  You might find a glimmer of hope if your daughter is able to support herself independently!  Even if she "hates" you and blames you, she's functional enough to live on her own, which I see as a wonderful achievement, considering the obstacles.

I have a glimmer of hope when my stepdaughter is complying with treatment and taking medications.  However she has self-destructive relapses.  Many don't understand the situation, because it seems unbelievable that a full-grown woman can't hold a job and yet hurls hatred towards others, blaming them for her own poor choices.  It doesn't seem rational.  But that's where we are.  This community understands.

[Sancho]

Hi Staciavoo
Thank you for posting. I am going through a tough time myself at the moment. 'Exhausted' and 'sad' - that just about sums it up. The words touched a chord - and I needed to shed the tears that followed!

Thank you!

[livednlearned]

Grieving BPD is a very lonely grief -- like you say, it's so hard to explain to people who haven't walked this path.

How long has the estrangement been going on?

Sometimes it seems to function like a time out to help get emotions back to baseline.

Any thoughts on what triggered this estrangement?

[Compassion Only]

Oh man, I totally get your pain. NO ONE in my family understands the pain and loss. They try...My husband of three years has no children and he just gets angry the entire situation. I try not to talk to him about it because we end up in a fight. My daughter is 34.

This group DOES understand and it helps. Good for you for jumping on.

[BPDstinks]

I understand completely!  My 24 year old BPD cut us off entirely it is awful

[Denim]

Oh man, I totally get your pain. NO ONE in my family understands the pain and loss. They try...My husband of three years has no children and he just gets angry the entire situation. I try not to talk to him about it because we end up in a fight. My daughter is 34.

This group DOES understand and it helps. Good for you for jumping on.

I understand your pain too. My 38 son can be very difficult and argumentative and the next day tell me I'm the best. I'm widowed and live alone and this is so very hard.

[Manifest32f]

I’m in the same boat! It’s terrible but I am so very tired of being blamed for everything and repeatedly being asked to apologize for everything and anything all the time that went wrong in her (46yrs) life. And it’s just never ending. We have not spoken in 10days and she blocked me on WhatsApp and expects me to call long distance (gets to be expensive) repeatedly and keep apologizing for hrs beginning from infancy/ childhood trauma (mostly because she strongly believes I mistreated her) and go over things that didn’t happen but she thinks they did and how unfair she was treated by me. Anything that went wrong in her life was caused by me. She doesn’t want to take any responsibility for her actions that resulted in her breakups and somehow pins it on me! To be honest, although I feel sad we don’t have a healthy normal conversation, I don’t miss having to apologize for all things, listing out everything, and listening to her blaming me for mostly things I didn’t cause her grief. It’s really very tough dealing with it every day and I am praying every single minute that I am freed of all this soon. I think it’s my karma that I am going through it. Relief should come soon. In the meantime, we have to remember that we did not cause any of this and we are not responsible for any of this. Please take care and stay strong

[CopperLeaves]

Hi Staciavoo 

I just wanted to say hello, and welcome. I hear you - as another exhausted and sad mum. It feels neverending and unfair and like a pile of words I can't post here. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

From what I know it sounds like classic BPD behaviour, and though it doesn't lessen the pain, it at least releases you from responsibility. Sending virtual support to you.
Copper x

[BPDstinks]

hello to you both!  I was JUST thinking about posting this...I feel very sad lately...(very odd, I drove by our old house & was just MESMIRIZED...thinking how did we get "here" (not speaking!), than, I happened upon a FB post of my daughter (yes...I "track" (no other way of "seeing" her !) and she looks really happy and healthy; my initial thought was, I am happy she is happy, than....I figured "if" she was ever happy again she would want to "re-connect", than, i thought, why can I/we not make her happy...than  I was mad!  I have tried to put my life in some "semblance" and...here I am, again, SAD...so...i think of you both & hope you find some joy!  you are NOT alone in this

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[2much4me]

Welcome to the club that no one wants to join. I can relate so much to what you are going through. In November, our 18 year old daughter made horrendous false allegations about us/her family and disappeared from the ER (where I made a futile attempt to get her help). Exhausted and sad is exactly how I've felt for the past 4 months.  At first, I would wake in the middle of the night trembling in shock and fear.  But, I can reassure you that, although there are still times when the pain feels unbearable, I am enjoying my life again too. Here are tools we use to do that: (1) weekly, my husband and I see a therapist  who is familiar with BPD and family systems (2) Alanon. Substance use is part of our daughter's illness and many BPD's "self-medicate" but regardless, the illness is similar to dealing with an active addict and participating has reduced our shame and concepts like "detachment with love" and boundaries are helpful.  (3) self-care/connection- I've used church, meditation apps, walking, dance, journaling, hot tub, friends, date nights (4) this forum and BPD books/education: Understanding BPD reminds me that that her behavior is 100% motivated by misguided attempts at control and power, are therefore resistant to arguments, facts, proof.  I understand your pain, the anguish of telling other family or friends what is happening, the shame that you somehow caused it, the lack of empathy from ppl who know nothing about BPD and the mental obsession of trying to "solve" this problem for your beloved child.  Please practice taking care of yourself even when it feels disloyal to your kid, I am sending love and light your way.

[BPDstinks]

Dear 2much4me...thank you so much for the tips!  I also feel like I am taking (tiny) baby steps at re-claiming my life!  I miss my BPD however, not how she talks to me & makes me question my SANITY!

[Peony1214]

I am going through this as well with my 24-year-old daughter. Everything that goes wrong in her life is either her dad’s fault or mine. She is verbally abusive and then tries to cut off whichever one of us she is aiming her anger at in the moment. She is unable to hold a job, and no longer has any friends. Her physical health is also declining, and she is being evaluated for MS. She threatens suicide as a way to manipulate, but I am terrified that she might actually do something stupid in one of her many fits of anger. I am emotionally exhausted and don’t know where to turn for help. She is in therapy with a therapist specializing in BPD, but I have seen no improvement, in fact she seems to be getting worse. I am having to hide a lot of her behaviors from my husband of 5 years, because if he were to witness how she treats me, he would step in and probably escalate things further. Just reading through some of these posts really helps to know I’m not alone, but I’m so worried for her future.

[2much4me]

Its been awhile since I have been on here. I am sorry that I missed the opportunity to say hello to a newbie. 

[Ourworld]

Hello Saciavoo,

I understand what you are going through, my own daughter also cut me off entirely from all communication at the age of 27. It was so-o difficult since I was not even aware of her behavioral disorder and did not understand any type of mental issues.

For the first few years thoughts just went around in my head about what on earth I could have ever done for her to do this; she had always been quite shy and dependent on me, and then after her dad left us in 1997 then died a few years later, she started to misbehave in ways she never did before. I tried to go by ‘don’t sweat the small stuff’ and attributed her behavior to her age and figured it would help her mature.

So, it was a total shock when she told me this! It was after I came back from working overseas for 2.5 years. When I left she was happy, she had graduated with her undergraduate degree and was living with her fiancée. I had NO IDEA there was a problem.

Over the years I would actually see her every month or so at family gatherings. We did not talk, but there was a bit of a connection. But the family gatherings became rare as things changed in people’s lives. So, once I again I went through trying to figure out what I could have ever done to cause her to cut me off. After awhile I came to the conclusion that I did not do anything to cause this and decided it must be ‘in her head’ as a result of trauma-type things that happened to her when she went away to college at age 17. (she was date-raped, then met and moved in with the guy she expected to spend the rest of her life with (another shock to me) then he brought another girl home and kicked her out. Then after she said she was over this (and still not realizing how messed up she was) I took her back to another university near the old one and she got pregnant! She told me this once she got back home and had firmly decided she would put her baby up for open adoption.
All of this occurred before her happiness when I went to work overseas.

So, all these years go by from age 27 until 38, and she leaves her husband. Turns out that he has severe mental illness from Military and he managed to get to a VA where he is being taken care of now. He contacted me (he never blocked me) and through conversation began telling me about how she behaved and her distorted memories and beliefs.
That is what led me to try and figure out what could possibly be her issue, and have ended up here. He arbitrarily gave me her current email address, I was not going to try emailing her, but this site gave me the understanding, strength, and courage to reach out.
In the past I would beg her to tell me what was wrong and that I did not understand; so now I just told her facts, beginning with realizing how much her father’s leaving had upset her, I also mentioned needing to go work overseas by myself for my healing, and the status of her husband.

She actually wrote me back; blaming me for all her problems and telling me that because I was abusive she fell into another abusive relationship (snicker-snicker!). She also said that now I was even blaming her father leaving as my excuse!

I know that was a long story, but what I am saying is DO NOT feel that you ever did anything wrong. And if she takes another 12 years before she re-connects with me, it will be much better for us both. I really do not want the turmoil that many on this site go through with their ADULT children and she and I will feel immensely better when she is in a more logical and realistic mindset

You are truly blessed that you have your husband, your friend and buddy to do fun things with and enjoy your life!

Please do not feel sorry for me in anyway;I am in the process of preparation for long-term missionary work overseas and God is my friend and buddy! I was called to do this many years ago at this time of my life, and hopefully my daughter will remember and understand. But she can always reach me through email or my siblings.
If not, I can take comfort in knowing that I will see her in heaven with a restored mind!

Take Care and Make the Most of Things, OurWorld

[Rosana]

I am going through the same exact thing. I literally just got off the phone with my 26 year old daughter. Nasty and ungrateful for no reason telling me the most horrible things. I’m having palpitations and I want to cry because I love her and she is so sick in her mind. I don’t know what else to do but cry

[Mary2711]

The grief and sadness of estrangement is overwhelming ...especially the sadness it permeates everything in my life. At first I did not understand about BPD but have read a lot about it....still I feel helpless especially being her target for years....it seems it makes her feel better to make me sad....the sadder the better... I hope those who have found a way to go on will share what they have learned. Thank you.

[AlwaysAnxious]

Hi.
I could have written this exact thing.  My daughter is 26 and undiagnosed.  She hasn't spoken to me in about a week and a half until this morning when she called at 6:30 asking me to go to the gym with her at noon.  I told her I was starting a new medicine today and was told to stick close to home but if I felt ok, I'd go.  That sent her into a frenzy of insults and panic.  I offered that my husband (her dad) could go but that wasn't what she wanted.  I didn't give in but I did let her know around 11:30 that I was still feeling ok and if she wanted to go, I'd go...  but she's cut me off again.

She lives 10 minutes from me. She works with me (in a different area) and she and I have always been close...until this happened (this being BPD). My heart breaks every day for the pain I see her in. My heart is overwhelmed with grief over the life I know she wanted and so did I - one in which she was living her best and happy life. 

I too, wish I knew what to do.

All this to say...I hear you. You're clearly not alone in this.