Daughter in law

[dollwoman]

My son got married to a woman seven years ago who has bpd. She has been diagnosed by a psych dr. 
She seemed perfectly fine when they were just dating.  Her Mom was away whikexshe was planning their wedding and reception and they had no funds to pay for anything.  I offered to help and basically handed them my credit card to bake all the wedding arrangements. 
Fast forward to right after the wedding.  My new dil akso gad a 12 yr old son from a previous marriage who I adored.  They were looking for a place they could afford when I offered to let them move into my Moms upper floor of her condo rent free as long as they listened in once in a while during the night if my Mom with dementia was yelling fir me. I told them to call me i live two minutes away from my Moms condo.
Everything was good until my dil screamed at my Moms cna for using her mayonnaise by mistake. The cna called me crying and saying my dil was screaming at her. I went right over and took my dil aside and very nicely asked her to please not tell at the cna and i would tell her to not eat any of their food.
The next day i was at Moms condo and my dil was sitting on the gall steps glaring at me. I asked her what was wrong abd she just glared at me. Tge. she started yelling I had taken over their wedding and she was moving out!
She moved out with my son and her son and wouldn’t speak to me for two months. 
She apologized and we were ok.
Fast forward to  june of this year.  She gave birth to our granddaughter in June. We weren’t allowed to go see her until she was six weeks old and she had several written restrictions written on the wall on a piece of paper.  No kissing her don’t touch her feet etc.
The month befire the baby was born our three other granddaughters moved in with my husband and I due to a very bad home life with their parents. 
My dil started accusing us of favoring the three other grandchildren over the new baby.  She called my husband a coward and told us the va y should be able to recognize us on site.
I’m just so tired of all the yelling and insults.   
 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[In4thewin]

Hi Doll. Sounds like quite the struggle--- no judgment here. Could you provide a little more backstory and clarification on current status?

How long after your son married your now DIL were they expecting a fifth child? Where is the mother of your 3 granddaughter's and what role does the father of your grandson play in his life? Are your son and DIL back in your mother's condo and/or otherwise being financially supported by you or anyone other than the two of them?

I'm assuming that you and your husband are now fully supporting the 3 three grandchildren that are living with you? So no child support or anything? Aside from your DIL's concern with you favoring them over the one she now shares with your son----does your son seem care that you are taking on a "responsibility" that isn't yours? How old are your grandaughter's?

I'm really just trying to better understand the overall situation so that someone wiser than me on this site can provide some advice.