Urgent, please help us

[T7]

 My fiancé is in serious emotional pain, I definitely am and it’s causing a detrimental shockwave for everyone who we love in our radius. Please help me understand how to help her and us.
 We have been together for two years, she has been open about her bpd, I read articles, had opens conversations with her about it, and before we got together I was married to someone for 14 years with bpd.

I have found out my fiance (or ex now?) slept with my cousin recently, and two weeks ago it was made aware to me. She at first wouldn’t or couldn’t say, I was calm because I felt her pain and energy, it hurt me, she said she didn’t know if were okay, I asked if she slept with someone, she couldn’t say it but made a look to the side and nodded, she wouldn’t tell me who just kept saying it was nobody until I asked if it was my cousin.

She said she come see me next day to talk, never showed up, didn’t call or text. For over two weeks I didn’t see her until two nights ago at the gas station.

I understand a lot of “whys” woukd like more understanding, but it’s the repairing. Either we both live in pain from this and have to be able to cope, or we repair it and cope either way both of us will live wuth this.

We have this amazing life and emotional connection and like a lot of couples we’d argue,, harsh words said, intense mental situations, legal situations, and we were always there for each other. Always there, always around and always loving on each other. I showered her with love. She to I. While I was in jail she got with my cousin and now with him apparently? I wouldn’t think it would last, but all my stuff is still there,

She’s had only four partners before me, and she wasn’t very sexual because guys hurt her in the past, and trauma growing up. I have my issues, PTSD, definite depression, we both were cheated on last relationships. She was open about everything, we could express and say anything to each other, we explored more of the world that nurture has known before. She and I felt comfortable exploring everything new to us., I love her the most, she loves me the most, and sex with other people was not only disgusting thought for her, it was a strong moral foundation for her. She did have core ethics, as far as those lines crossed. She like soaking up the attention if we go out but never would cross that boundary because sex became important and special to her with us.

We both are positive people wanting healthier lives for our kids (I have three, she has one) We have this absolute connection deeper than any I’ve experienced or seen from other people.
 we both have struggled with addictions together and separate, we were not doing drugs or drinking heavily anymore. We love each other so much, are comfortable enough with our passions and our chemistry and spiritual connection able to explore have this intimacy together that allowed us to be together.

So for her to compromise her morals and relationship and jump to another person who is in my family, the shame and guilt and emotional self damage I know she is seriously hurting. I’m not worried about my cousin, he’s a big badass dude who definitely can stomp me to the ground, but that wouldn’t change how hurt she is or how it hurt me, more importantly the fact that I still love her and understand her, she obviously loves me that won’t change, it’ll just hurt us both forever.


When we saw each other that day it was calm, asked how I was, I asked if she’s going to forget about me that she can talk to me, she said to text her. The way she acted towards me was unlike I’ve ever seen. It wasn’t negative, not like I’m a stranger but almost. She was nervous about seeing me, but still was friendly. It was almost like I was a famous person she didn’t know how to interact with. I didn’t see her car asked who she was with. I looked there was my cousins truck maybe nervous because of that. I’m going nuts and if anyone read all this thank you. I do want to repair this, I believe she does too, and how to make that easier for her and less painful for everybody are answers I’m seeking. Infidelity is not okay, it’s a huge breach in my trust, but I am beginning to understand more and now it’s like holy wow she does love me, to have to go through these extreme measures to not hurt, although it definitely hurting me right now. But from what I’m gathering my cousin doesn’t mean anything. And yeah I hurt from this but she has got to be just as much from causing this. The rebounding is probably fear. Not like her, but she was in a remission I assume please help I love her I don’t want her to hurt.

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[losthope1234]

Hi T7 and welcome,

I am sorry about the whole situation. From what I understand from the whole post is that even though you are devastated, you would like to work though it. She, however, hasn't processed the whole situation it seems. The best way to navigate this is to understand what she wants from the relationship. We understand what you want, however does she feels the same too now? Would it be possible to have a conversion with her? It seems like she is too withdrawn to even talk about it. Best is to try and understand her feeling regarding this, validate those and then set healthy boundary so that this doesn't happen again. Did you say you were in jail when she slept? Does that mean she went through extreme abandonment fears which made her do this? You have mentioned that your cousin isn't into anything serious with her, but what's her point of view? Does she have any serious feeling for him beyond just that one event ( considering she took his truck to travel)? Can to talk with her to understand this? I feel like an open supportive communication can help clarify many of your doubts about the relationship. Also, I hear a lot of support from your side, almost sounds like you want to "rescue" her, however, she also needs accountability. Let her own responsibility.