my oldest

[bizbo]

Its been over10 years and  she has come a long way, no thanks to the medical community, that stresses tough love. That strategy was nothing but detrimental. when I realized her biggest fear was to be deserted by us and I read about compassionate therapy things turned around. But it is hard for me to believe she will ever live on her own. Somehow the sibling relationships have prevailed through years of manipulation, bulling, stealing and hateful outburst. Her brother and sister love her deary and they enjoy each others company. However, at 27 she is not a great roommate and the moodiness is difficult to deal with. I can not afford to get her an apartment and at this point, even though she has a summer job and got through college she is not motivated to support herself and lacks the executive function to do so. Any suggestions on how to set her up for survival with out putting a burden on my other children? 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[In4thewin]

Hi Bizbo. I'm wondering how your daughter got through college if she lacks the motivation and executive functioning to support herself. Was she attending college on a traditional campus, away from home, or did she complete all the credits online? I understand fully that the "tough love" stuff doesn't work with certain people and can even be detrimental, especially when attachment issues are at play. But I also understand the need for balance, setting reasonable expectations, and then following through. I know...easier said than done when it's your own child. What is your daughters degree in and what has her work history been since she graduated? Has she ever lived away from home aside from maybe while attending school?I know that I'm asking a lot of questions but I think if you provide some additional clarifying information that the people on this site could better guide you in this situation.

[Sancho]

Hi Bizbo
It's been a long journey with my DD too. She dropped out of high school and struggled with all forms of planning and generally being able to take up adult life.

When she was about 15 a paediatric psychiatrist told me that often the usual behaviour management ways didn't work and were unsuitable for people with BPD. He also told me that the symptoms of BPD can lessen for many individuals with BPD when they are in their 30s.

I was hanging out for the 30s! But I didn't believe my DD this would happen for my DD. She is now 35 and I am just starting to see some improvement - of course still BPD and low functioning. But this week she has moved to a share house and - because she is calmer and the rent etc is not too bad - I am at least more hopeful than I have ever been in the past.

I wonder a lot about the future and I am trying to sort things so that at least DD will have a roof over head when I pass.

There is a lot that is positive for your DD - especially the family relationships (amazing in fact!). I am just wondering if there is a need to resolve this soon - or perhaps waiting till the 30s to see how things are then is a possibility? Just a thought.

[CC43]

Hi Bizbo,

I can relate to your post.  My young adult BPD stepdaughter fit the description of not being a good roommate to a T--she was a slob and generally inconsiderate, leaving messes for others to pick up, making excessive noise at nighttime, refusing to share meals with the family, disappearing without showing the courtesy of letting family members know when she'd be returning, etc.  Like your daughter, her moodiness permeated the household, and if she wasn't moody, she was passive-aggressive.  You write about challenges with executive function, which my stepdaughter suffered with, too.  It's as if her dark mood and negative attitude got in the way of her making plans and following through with anything.  The caveat is that if there was something she wanted to do, like a fun trip, she'd have no problem executing on that.  But by the same token, typically something would go awry on the trip, and she'd end up losing a friend or something.  There was a time she was self-medicating with marijuana, when what little motivation she might have had became completely sapped, and her executive function suffered even more.  It seemed like she got "out of practice" in functioning from day to day, she became forgetful, and she seemed to struggle following adult conversation.  It's hard to describe but it felt like her brain regressed to that of young teen, not just emotionally, but intellectually, too.  I thought it was weird that she'd spend hours watching kids' TV programming.  There were times I felt that a kindergartener was able to function better than she was, because a kindergartener manages to get dressed in the mornings, eat breakfast, go to school, play at playtime, pick up her toys, say please and thank you and take a bath before bed.  Does any of this sound familiar?

Sometimes I felt that because my BPD stepdaughter was stuck in her childhood bedroom and she refused to live an adult's life, that she actually regressed to a childlike state.  Perhaps paradoxically, she would constantly remind us that she was an adult, and she could do anything she wanted.  I think this recurring declaration revealed that she felt the exact opposite:  she was stuck, she couldn't function like an adult, and she felt intense shame about that.

But I see some silver linings in your post.  First, your daughter is a college graduate, and second, she has held a job.  Those are two major accomplishments, especially for someone who is struggling with untreated BPD.  That she is able to persevere and achieve those goals indicate to me that she's perhaps high functioning.  Moreover, she's still talking to her siblings and enjoys their company--that demonstrates success in maintaining important relationships.  And clearly she's still talking with you, even if she's incredibly moody all the time.

Anyway, I wanted to give you some hope.  My stepdaughter decided that she needed to get professional help, and after intensive therapy, she really turned things around.  Like your daughter, she graduated college, and she has worked some (though she did get fired recently).  She's currently looking for her first real job, and though she's progressing slowly, she is nevertheless progressing on her search.  Though she still isn't speaking to her mom, siblings and extended family, she is speaking with her dad and me, and the relationship feels less one-sided (all take and no give) right now.  Having said that, I think she won't be ready to repair the familial relationships until she feels fully "adult" with a full-time job, and her confidence is solidified.  That's a long-winded way of saying that intensive therapy helped get her back on track, and though there have been some setbacks, she hasn't been completely derailed by BPD like she used to.  The frequency, intensity and duration of her angry outbursts have declined significantly.  She's a lot less impulsive/easily frustrated, and her self-sabotaging behaviors have diminished.  I bet she still struggles with negative self-talk, but she has been pushing through them better.  I wouldn't say that she's capable of supporting herself yet, but she has made major progress in that direction, and she's still in her 20s.

I guess my message is, it has been helpful to think in terms of baby steps.  To me, the direction of movement is much more important than speed.  Some baby steps might be taking an online skills-training course, trying a part-time job, or repairing one familial relationship at a time.  Maybe your daughter can't afford an apartment for herself, but could she handle her own phone bill, or maybe her car insurance?   Could she be responsible for preparing dinner once or twice a week?  I'd say, try making ONE positive change at a time, and break it down into smaller, achievable goals.  Maybe, when your daughter isn't in a mood, you could ask her what SHE wants to accomplish, and help her come up with one small thing that she could do to move her in that direction.  Maybe therapy is that first baby step.

All my best to you.