Full Disclosure: this is a rant with it’s only purpose being to gain some validation from someone out there who can relate. These are my feelings, which influence my own perception on my own life. Even if those feelings may not perfectly reflect reality, they feel close enough that I can share.
I’m married to my wife who struggles with BPD-type symptoms (she’s undiagnosed, and procrastinating treatment). Her (f, 36) and I (m, 30) met working at a restaurant, conceived a child within the first two months of dating, and have been swimming together since.
There’s always been something off with the way she processes emotion and her quick trigger to point fingers and project dissatisfaction onto others around her. She’s been in and out of contact with her mother, who has been through two divorces, the second sparking months of not speaking to her, and no contact for the children. Her father, who last year met someone and began spending lots of time with this new woman, sparked a huge fight with my wife berating them with verbal violence and accusations of her being psychotic and abusive. This caused him to completely shut her (and us) out.
Speaking of abuse, there have been 8 or so times where I’ve been hit, shoved, pushed, slapped. Each time, I shut down and feel completely empty, desperate for peace and love.
The number of personal attacks could probably be estimated to be about 4 times a month for 7 years (4 x 12 x 7). I’ve been told the whole range: “I wish you were dead” to “Talk like a
PLEASE READing man” while I’m talking to our two year old son.
By the way, we have three kids in the house. Ages 11, 6, and two. The eleven year old is my step son (feels more like a real son, as I spend more time taking care of him than his bio dad).
Throughout all of this, I’ve managed to carve out a successful career as a teacher (I’m a caregiver at heart I guess). I spend my days teaching 4th/5th graders with more developed emotional regulation skills than my wife. This occupation has actually allowed me to develop some good coping skills for being proactive to avoid her triggers and dealing with my emotions following verbal attacks. A lot of what works with kids, works with my wife. (I’ve never told her this).
The highs are high, lows are beyond low. It’s just gotten to the point where I feel so swamped with taking on the housekeeping, child-raising, and everything in between that I’ve felt “This is not the way I want to spend the rest of my life”.
One of my last straws was this winter when I forgot to pack my son’s mittens for daycare. My wife (who works in childcare), pulled me into the kitchen and punched me in the stomach and said a bunch of personal attacks about how I don’t think about anything and I can’t pay attention to anything.
Ten minutes later I was walking into a school of high-functioning adults full of love and patience and emotional intelligence in a staff meeting. Living between these two worlds has become exhausting emotionally and has made me feel torn about the life I want for myself and my children (and what’s really best for all of us, her included).
She struggles with body image stuff, has had a history of anorexia and other eating disorders, and doesn’t maintain close friendships. I’m her world, and when things are good, I love it.
Since I told her a month ago that I’m ready to start the process of divorce, went back on it, got us back into couples therapy, and recommitted myself to making things work, things have been going pretty well. But I’m trying to prepare myself for the next episode. She’s heard of DBT, and has shown some interest in getting treatment but we’ve gone two weeks with her not pulling the trigger and thinking exercise is going to fix all of these problems. I’m in therapy now for myself, which has been a life saver. Reading “Stop walking on Eggshells” on audiobooks the past few days has been so validating, also reading these posts and finding out other people are going through what I am.
Thank you for listening.
