PWBPD left me for best friend

[Darsha500]

Hi everyone,

This is my second failed BPD relationship. My wife, with whom I with was for 6 years and who I have a 4-year-old son with, just left me for my best friend. The story is that she actually brought him into our home while I was still living there. It was incredibly traumatic, and now I am in the midst of attempting to get primary custody of my son.

She has now, of course, painted me completely black and is in the idolization phase with my ex-best friend. She has absolutely no remorse for what she did.

Now i am left in the rubble of my old life. She essentially killed my old self. I am in the midst of the black night of the soul, a kind of ego death, and it's tremendously painful.

We concluded that she had BPD shortly after she became pregnant, when, one day, she went from saying how she wanted to hurry up and get married, and on the same day, spoke about wanting to break up. I was so struck by the black and white thinking that I asked if she had BPD, and she said that in that moment, she felt like she got caught red-handed. She then read the book I Hate You, Don't Leave Me and resonated with it deeply.

Over the ensuing years, I attempted to get her into treatment, spending hours and hours researching therapists and arranging her appointments and such. She ultimately stopped pursuing therapy and became convinced that she had autism. Though she got an evaluation that ruled it out, only to get a second opinion that suggested she did indeed have BPD.

So, the point is, it was an incredibly difficult relationship and I was constantly walking on eggshells and sacrificing my own wants and needs to try to fix her and the relationship. However, in the end, it ended with a brutal betrayal.

Now I am fantasizing about reaching out to her to reconcile, to ask for our family back. I miss our family so much. But it was built on sand. Her moods would shift in the blink of an eye, and it seemed like no matter how much I tried to be the man she wanted me to be, I would fail. And I would, and I even told her that, I will fail you.

letting go is so hard. It's like removing hooks implanted in my soul.

[Pook075]

That breaks my heart because I went through the exact same thing.  24 year marriage, our first grandson was due any day, and my wife decides she wants to marry a family friend who had just lost his wife with a mystery illness.

In my case, that was three years ago and the first year was incredibly painful.  But I got back in church, started volunteering locally, spent more time with family, joined a local gym, etc.  At first, I had to stay busy because it was so hard to be alone, but in time I realized that I was actually healing from an abusive, highly toxic relationship.

I remarried a few years later and my current wife still shocks me everyday.  Just the little stuff she does for me blows my mind since that had never happened before in my life.  I regret divorce because we have kids (in their 20's) and that was extremely painful for everyone.  But my life is a billion times better today and I am so thankful my BPD ex betrayed me that way.

Why?  Because I never, ever would have walked away.  That's just not who I am, I'd rather stay in a bad situation than potentially risk hurting anyone.  And it made me miserable without me even realizing it.

How long have you been split up?  It takes time to heal from something like this, and it seems like the first few months are the worst.  But with the right focus, you'll get through this and come out a better person because of it.

One last tip- take some time to heal before deciding whether or not to try winning her back.  I know the urge to fight for your marriage right now, because I felt exactly the same.  But BPDs aren't like Hollywood romance movies where big romantic gestures change everything.  Pursuing her too aggressively will only push her away and make things considerably harder in co-parenting.  Give this some time.

I hope that helps!

Right now, your "goal" is just to get through today.  Tomorrow is a separate problem we can worry about later.  Just take it one day at a time, stay busy, and remember that you're not alone.  Your ex did this because she's sick, and that sickness led to a series of terrible choices.  It's not her fault that she's mentally ill.  She left because she was running in fear of <who knows>.  But that's almost always the story, something happened internally that signaled flight or fight.

[Me88]

Best friend? Not a friend at all if you ask me. And quite disgusting. This may be too explicit for the site, but I could never imagine sleeping with a woman my friend not only slept with, but without protection and finishing inside of...Aka your child.

Even then, your kid will know you guys were friends. What a shiit show.

Do not reach out. She doesn't deserve that. Divorce and run. And get into therapy. You know her patterns, this will not last... And even worse she might come back to you. Hell no.

[Darsha500]

LOL. That's hilarious.

I know, a Fake friend, definitely. I never saw it coming. I went back to California and hung out with him. He told me he was doing tax and accounting stuff, so I told him to help my wife with her taxes. Then they start talking for 5 hours a night. Which definitely made me suspicious, but I never expected what happened to occur. It was an absolutely brutal betrayal. But it woke me up. It's given me "unwavering clarity" on who she is. It's catapulted me out of the FOG and the pathogenic system I was in.

So yeah, I don't anticipate getting back with her. I'm trying to get primary custody of my son. The only way I would ever consider it is if we were to stay separate and she were to do some serious therapy for like a year.  I would want to see some radical improvement on her part. But i doubt that will happen.

[ForeverDad]

Back during my two year divorce - it was that long due to the custody struggle - our Custody Evaluator's initial report included in the summary mention of object constancy.  I was like, what is that?  It is something we relatively normal people consider obvious, that when we're separated from a close person we would miss them.  Often when BPD traits are the topic, those afflicted can behave as though "out of sight, out of mind".  That can explain why they can be so quick to jump relationships, to move on to another lover.  And in some cases if we're not alert to what's happening - and if we're not permanently painted black - they can boomerang right back to us as though it was no big deal.

One illustration I recall is the explanation one pwBPD gave is that she kept a used shirt near her pillow so she could remember him.  So if she didn't have that reminder then she didn't remember him?  Apparently it was that extreme.

[Darsha500]

Wow, the custody evaluator mentioned object constancy? I am very curious about the process of having my wife evaluated. I'm actually training to become a clinical psychologist, and I have years of evidence to back up my claims that she is mentally unstable. She does have BPD somewhere in her diagnosis history, but yeah, what was that process like for you?

[Me88]

Back during my two year divorce - it was that long due to the custody struggle - our Custody Evaluator's initial report included in the summary mention of object constancy.  I was like, what is that?  It is something we relatively normal people consider obvious, that when we're separated from a close person we would miss them.  Often when BPD traits are the topic, those afflicted can behave as though "out of sight, out of mind".  That can explain why they can be so quick to jump relationships, to move on to another lover.  And in some cases if we're not alert to what's happening - and if we're not permanently painted black - they can boomerang right back to us as though it was no big deal.

One illustration I recall is the explanation one pwBPD gave is that she kept a used shirt near her pillow so she could remember him.  So if she didn't have that reminder then she didn't remember him?  Apparently it was that extreme.

Lol my ex used to sniff me all day every day. Told me to not wash t shirts, so she too could wear them... Because my scent calmed her. She even took some of my clothes when she moved out. How are these people all the same. I still cannot make sense of it.

[ForeverDad]

Wow, the custody evaluator mentioned object constancy? I am very curious about the process of having my wife evaluated. I'm actually training to become a clinical psychologist, and I have years of evidence to back up my claims that she is mentally unstable. She does have BPD somewhere in her diagnosis history, but yeah, what was that process like for you?

First, understand that Custody Evaluations are court ordered, if requested or deemed appropriate, in separation or divorce cases where there are minor children.  Otherwise, unless your spouse is agreeable, no one will enforce an evaluation.  Well, Child Abuse cases and perhaps DV cases could be exceptions.

Family courts are known to have little interest in fixing a spouse's poor behavior.  The official presumption is that setting some temporary court-ordered boundaries ought to be sufficient for most 'bickering' couples, with the expectation the discord and conflict will fade once their adult relationship is past.  Courts treat litigants as they are, generally don't try to figure out the issues and don't try to fix them.  If you do at some point end up in family court, that is an approach to imitate.

Even children's services may not dig too deeply into 'why' a parent is behaving the way he or she has behaved.  They will assess whether the level of abuse or crazymaking has risen to an 'actionable' level.

If you do have children and at some point decide the adult relationship has failed, make your Priority as the reasonably normal parent to seek as much parenting as possible for your children's lasting benefit.  Having a Custody Evaluation, though it takes months and is expensive, ought assist the court to see the value of your parenting and the need to continue as an involved parent.  A caution... a lousy CE report can ruin your case so care must be taken to ensure an experienced and unbiased evaluator is selected.

In my case, my lawyer selected a CE who was a child psychologist who was excellent.  He promised nothing but watched our preschooler closely in sessions with each parent.  There were tests too, I presume the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory (MMPI, quite trusted) was one of them.  Unlike other CEs, his initial report was not a book, it was about a dozen pages and was spot on.  Most of us here who realized there was no other option but to divorce found that though our cases were protracted and needed some orders and judicial decisions along the way due to our stbEx's entitlement and dysfunction, most cases did end with settlements.