Trying to navigate a friendship 3 years after official breakup.

[misuniadziubek]

I dated my expwBPD for 7 years on the regular and 2 years we tried to navigate through covid and not being able to see each other. Inevitably, he cheated on me during covid and so I initiated the breakup.

Most recently the last year or so we have hung out on a platonic friend basis. Just going out to a coffee or dinner hanging out for an hour or two every two months or so. He is currently in a relationship with somebody else since two and a half years.
I am very strict about friend boundaries and he chooses not to discuss anything about his current partner.  I'm also casually dating other people but eventually seeking a long term partner.

I met his partner at one point the first time we saw each other after the break up about a year in when I drove up to his town. It was very emotional for me because it reminded me of all  my memories, but it was also a nice feeling of closure that this was the right decision. His partner was very awkward and clingy towards him which is understandable I guess.

My feelings towards him are more like a very long term friend /family member, so it has not felt like anything wrong with talking and hanging out once in a while. There have been no extreme emotions, no toxic dynamic, it's felt nothing but a positive experience with a friend.

Until last night. I drove up to see him because his best friend had come down from out of state and I hadn't seen him in 2 years. In the car, I say that the last time went with him to a restaurant his current partner acted very strange towards me, and it was a little funny to me. He responds that he knows his partner isn't very good but it's a sensitive topic to him, so he doesn't want me bringing it up. While at dinner, about 2 hrs later his friend makes a joke about how terrible my expwbpds current partner is and how he hates women who wear overalls. I make a joke on how some of our friends have had partners with terrible style in the past etc. I then notice that ex is tense and very withdrawn. And this is the biggest issue because ex and somebody who makes jokes about this sort of thing all the time. In fact he is one of the most sarcastic people who roasts about all sorts of things and that's why he and his best friend get along so well. So at this point I don't realize that the small comment was enough to make him shut down. It's like somebody who is in a water balloon fight  all the time and then gets hit with one specific one and suddenly they're upset. And you're not sure which balloon caused it. I know that he's only on three four hours of sleep and so I asked him are you doing okay there you look like you're about to cry. I say this jokingly not thinking that he actually is going to cry I just thought he looked tired.

And he tenses up even more and then we end up going home and I just come inside for a bit and I push the issue a little and he explodes that he asked me so specifically not to bring up his partner and that I brought them up and then taunted him that he's gonna cry.

And it's like I'm back in the middle of my 7 years relationship where I stepped on the wrong eggshell and made him upset and he's pulling me into his logical circular arguments about how I should know better and his reaction is valid and how I intentionally brought up his partner after he asked me not to. Except that I didn't, his friend did, and I'm once again saying all the wrong things and accidentally invalidating his experience .

And I get frustrated and I'm like I'm sorry I can't do this again. I don't know if this friendship is a good idea anymore. And that makes him even more upset because now I'm now abandoning him all over again. I don't really feels like I'm dealing with small three-year-old child that can't get out of their limbic brain.

And I guess the most interesting part is that I've been away for so long that I forgot that this is how it felt like being with him. I forgot about him convincing me that my intentions were different than they were just because he "felt" like that was how it is and never being able to "win" the argument or really defend myself.

And he kept repeating on how this is exactly how anybody would feel in this situation and that his reaction is completely valid.  And that he's being punished for expressing what he felt and not hiding it better by me saying that it's too much.

It was just fascinating and a little bit overwhelming. He's a very lovely and charming person. I enjoy being friends with him and he's been a very good friend to me even just in the last year. But it was just a reminder, oh yeah by the way, this still exists and getting too close even platonically is a double edged sword.

It sucks that he doesn't really like his partner or just feels he's settling just so he doesn't feel alone. But it's not mine to fix. I have to maintain distance and not get mixed up with his personal stuff too much. But I both see why I loved him so much but also why breaking up was the healthiest thing.

[Rowdy]

Well, the way someone with bpd thinks is very different to you or I. My ex is exactly the same (although I must stress she isn’t diagnosed bpd but her traits and behaviour are clearly either bpd  or very similar) If you joke, or make a derogatory comment about their new favourite person, all hell breaks loose and they take it very personally, and like you say they twist your intentions which really does make it like walking on eggshells, where you have to think carefully exactly what you say just incase one word that might be possible to take out of context, you can bet your bottom dollar it will be taken out of context.

Now, I absolutely hate my ex’s partner. I’ve never liked the bloke from the moment I met him (before he was intimately involved with her) and neither have my kids, or my wife’s family members that have met him. Besides the fact he is a coke addict, a compulsive liar, and displays horrible behaviour traits, if I tell my ex how everyone else outside of their relationship views him, she turns it around and starts saying I have called HER every name under the sun, when I have done no such thing.

You have history with him, you have shared more intimacy with him than his friend has. It’s far easier for him to have a go at you about bringing up his new partner than it is for him to have a go at his friend.

I too don’t think my ex is really happy with her new partner, I think they get into the state where they don’t like to be proved wrong, or they don’t want to be seen as though they have made a mistake in their choice of partner, so any comment that can be seen as putting their partner down is taken as a personal insult, which I guess in a way it is.

[kells76]

Anthropologically speaking, what a fascinating experience you had. Unlike many members here, you were able to go back and detachedly observe your ex in a new relationship.

It sounds like you observed that being with a new partner did not change who he fundamentally is. It's something that we talk about here, and you got to see it "in the wild".

It sounds like good growth when you were able to hold two thoughts at once: there was a lot you liked about him, and you two needed to end the relationship. Not one or the other, but both at once.

Now that you have some distance from your last meeting with him, what are your thoughts? Do you plan to keep the same amount of contact with him, or adjust it, or...? Any other insights come to you recently?