Severe spiral after Thanksgiving

[SoVeryConfused]

As many know, I'm the punching bag for my twenty-something uDD. I've tried to validate, hold limits, leave conversations when they got rough, etc. It always leads to a severe spiral: blaming, begging, cussing. Around Labor Day, some of the texts crossed a line, and I communicated I was taking a break for a few days but would be in touch.

From then until last week, she talked just with dad and seemed to be happier and more calm. He visited her, and she was NC with me. I sent neutral check in texts, which she never responded to.

I was fine with this. We both needed the break, and she seemed better. I got pretty sick in Oct., and she called 4-5 times and was normal and pleasant. I continued to send neutral texts every week -  she didn't respond. All was calm.

Fast forward to now...
She came for Thanksgiving.  I was reading to give her space, don't rush in with closeness, be friendly. I did all that. I greeted her, complimented her, made eye contact as we had dinner, smiled, but didn't follow her around. I thought this might be a baby step back for us. She stayed in our home, knowing her dad was leaving the next morning and would be gone when she woke up. She knew it would just be her and I, and I thought wow- this break has been helpful.

That's where trouble started. She came out of her room crying in the AM. She wouldn't speak to me. She wouldn't eat. She was very emotional but avoidant. She eventually left to see her sister and was gone when I returned from some errands. I had bought some of her favorite things, and she did take them.

Since then, it has been terrible. Hundreds of texts and calls, accusing me of ignoring her, turning the family against her etc. I know this is from how she feels and not the truth, of course. And triggered by seeing me, because I'm her person. For the past week, it's been daily texts, and tonight begging me to come to her town and take her to the hospital.

I only communicate by text when it's civil.  I validated that it sounded like she felt awful, and if it's an emergency, go to the ER or call 911. I tried to stay with that mantra. 

She started calling my husband. He offered her to sleep here. She accepted, but then started adding conditions - you pay for a train, you pick me instead. He responded - There are two options. That's what I can do.  She started sending sarcastic texts, and then he was done.

We are trying desperately to set limits and do things differently. It's very hard, super scary, and is next level of raging and begging. She was texting me - "Please, mommy. Please. I need you."

I had to turn my phone over and stop looking because it breaks my heart. I was worried I would cave. I didn't respond.

I'm just broken. No one else understands this trauma.
If you have any suggestions or similar stories, I welcome them.

I've desperately searched for literature on this level of dysregulation and limit setting, and there's so little out there other than boundaries are important.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[JsMom]

SoVeryConfused,
I am so sorry you're going through this. You have been working so hard. And when we do we can naturally hope to see a reward for our efforts.  I understand that it does happen that episodes can intensify though. Praying things will lessen in intensity very soon for all your benefit. When my son was alone out of state and was so triggered, it killed me to tell him I had to end phone calls when he called my office screaming at me... There were many extreme episodes. Some level of calm or more honestly less intense communication did follow. I'm glad you shared because you definitely aren't alone here.

[Diamond60]

I’m in a similar boat, although my son is out of state and we haven’t actually seen him in almost two years (we were going to visit in the summer but had to cancel due to a severe split and he didn’t want us to come).  This past weekend was pretty bad, some first-time accusations that I’m not sure we can get past without some type of acknowledgement and apology (usually he moves on as if nothing happened/he didn’t say cruel things).  I strongly feel that there is a correlation with him binge-smoking weed along with some separate problem that occurs (that most people can move on from) and his raging splits that usually involve threats of self-harm.   He of course does not see this.    I, like you, feel like no one else can understand what we go through, at least in my circle.  So I silently suffer.  I actually dread when someone asks how I am.  “Do you really want to know?” .  I’m sorry you are going through this, I truly know how tough and painful this is to live with.

[CC43]

That's where trouble started. She came out of her room crying in the AM. She wouldn't speak to me. She wouldn't eat. She was very emotional but avoidant. She eventually left to see her sister and was gone when I returned from some errands. I had bought some of her favorite things, and she did take them.

Since then, it has been terrible. Hundreds of texts and calls, accusing me of ignoring her, turning the family against her etc. I know this is from how she feels and not the truth, of course. And triggered by seeing me, because I'm her person. For the past week, it's been daily texts, and tonight begging me to come to her town and take her to the hospital.

Hi Confused,

I'm sorry about the latest developments.  The way I see it, you and your daughter did make some headway.  You had some moments of peaceful semi-normalcy.  Maybe you felt hopeful for a brief moment.  But in the morning, your daughter came out of her room crying.  My guess is that she was up late exchanging texts with someone, and something happened that distressed her.  (This sort of thing would happen with my BPD stepdaughter too.)  Afterwards, she spiraled, and she resumed her usual behavior of lashing out and blaming you.

I'm 99% sure this has nothing to do with you.  Your daughter is upset because something didn't go the way she wanted or expected.  Maybe there's a relationship problem.  Maybe she wasn't invited to someone else's Thanksgiving/Friendsgiving, and she felt excluded.  Maybe she saw someone else's curated Happy Thanksgiving photos and she felt alienated, reminded of how miserable she feels.  Maybe she's jealous of her sister, who seems to get more parental attention, and who is "luckier" and has it "easy."  Whatever the trigger, her dysregulated emotions and negative thinking are taking her on a rollercoaster ride again.  Rather than sit with her emotions, process them and move forward, she's following her playbook of blaming YOU.

I've lived through this dynamic many times with my BPD stepdaughter.  I guess all I can say is that she had to hit bottom before she decided to get some professional help.  No amount of validation, reassurances, rescues or tolerating her abusive behavior would convince her otherwise.  While gray rocking and disengaging from rages did help to bring down the temperature of some tantrums, those tactics were just temporary fixes.  They didn't get her the help she desperately needed.  And she seemed to get even worse when she was self-medicating with marijuana, which seemed to make her paranoid and delusional on top of everything else.

I guess I see a silver lining here, which is your daughter's apparent desire to go to the hospital.  That indicates that she's thinking about it.  Having said that, she demands that YOU to take her there, which sounds to me like a test, a form of control.  If she really wanted to go to the hospital, she'd take a cab there or call 911.  It sounds to me like she should go, so that she gets the professional help that she needs.  But it sounds to me like she's not ready yet.  My BPD stepdaughter struggled with that issue as well.  Eventually she got to the point of taking herself to the hospital.  At that critical point (i.e. taking herself, rather than being taken to the hospital) she was "ready" to get help.  On prior occasions, when she was taken to the hospital (after acts or threats of self-harm), she just wasn't "ready" in my opinion.

Hang in there, if you can.  I know this is heart-breaking.

[SoVeryConfused]

My DD rages and blame are 100% directed to me, so I tend to think that not speaking for a few months calmed her nervous system and made her willing to come to Thanksgiving. But seeing me triggered all of the emotions and activated her nervous system again.

She's really high functioning in other relationships and in her life. But just comes back to blaming me for all unhappiness. I'm wondering if seeing me just triggered all the shame and blame again, which is what came out that AM after holding it together in front of family.

She's continued to rage at me, and I just don't take calls anymore. I will only text back to neutral, practical requests, so I guess you could say I'm very low contact at this point, which enrages her.

She's too angry at me to use validation. I've tried expressing my willingness to talk if it's calm and civil, and she accuses me of the silent treatment.

I called her back a few nights ago just to see if opening the door a crack would yield anything, and within 15 seconds, she started accusing me of ignoring her. So, I just said calmly - do you have something you wanted to talk about? She scoffed and said no - and hung up.

So, for now, I'm not doing live calls or responding to accusing texts. I will respond only to neutral asks and hope that maybe she'll start to connect that regulated communication gets responses and raging, blaming communication does not.

[SoVeryConfused]

And yes, CC43, the hospital is 100% about control. Will Mom come or not?
Whenever I've started to drive there in the past, she'll always send me home after I'm halfway or adds conditions - like, I'll only go to a specific hospital, I'll go after 10 pm, I'll go, but you need to stay in the car, etc.

I'm hanging in, but I'm also fried, and I know that means I need a break.

[CC43]

Yeah, I totally understand the need for a break.  Though I've never been the direct target of my stepdaughter's BPD rage, her dad has been, and I've seen first hand how horrible that is.  We have gone through YEARS of rage cycles, punctuated by periods of estrangement/no contact/very low contact.  Though the LC/NC periods are relatively tranquil, it's impossible not to worry and despair sometimes, especially during the holidays, when stress ramps up and expectations run high.

Look, my BPD stepdaughter has said the most horrible things to her dad.  Though he's not perfect, I think he has gone above and beyond to support her, from paying years of extra college tuition (she dropped out several times), paying her rent and all her expenses, moving her in and out of successive apartments, letting her live with us rent- and chore-free, arranging and paying for extensive therapy programs, numerous rescues halfway across the country, several trips to hospitals, etc., along with countless hours of supportive talking, texting and validating.  He delayed retirement for years as a result of the hundreds of thousands of dollars of extra expense to get her the help she needed.  And yet through all this, she'll still rage at him and cut him off.  I know she doesn't really mean any of it, and she has admitted as much.  She credits her dad with saving her life.  But when she's dysregulated, she can't help but play the victim and blame the very person who loves and supports her the most.  It's torture for both of them sometimes.

The pattern seems to be that my BPD stepdaughter will reach out when she needs help, which is often.  I know she doesn't like to ask for help, but the years lost to BPD episodes mean that she's a bit behind her peers in terms of autonomy.  She's still needy like a teenager (though she has definitely been stepping up her game in the last six months).  The requests for help feel very transactional and sometimes manipulative.  I think that entire situation is triggering for her, because she's not satisfied with her life on the one hand, and she resents being dependent on her dad and me on the other hand.  You see, her expectations of others and life in general are sky high, which sets her up for constant disappointments.  She wants a glitzy lifestyle but isn't willing to work consistently to get it.  She wants romance but "isn't attracted to anyone."  She wants the freedom of adulthood without responsibilities.  She wants gratification without delay.  I bet she feels like a failure most of the time.  So when she has to ask for money or other help, she's triggered and prone to outbursts.  Since she's gotten therapy, I think she's showing more patience and self-control.  Yet the rage is still there and comes out from time to time.  That's my longwinded way of saying, I don't think you're at fault, no matter what your daughter says.  She's projecting her frustrations onto you, because you're the only person in the world who is willing to share in her pain sometimes.  I think she's not mad at you; I think she's mad at herself but deflecting that as anger towards you, because to admit to herself any weakness is just too painful.  Sure, maybe she's high functioning, and that's wonderful, it really is.  It's just that the stress of attaining that level of functionality is overwhelming to her sometimes, and she struggles mightily.

I think you both need a break!