Now comes a church wedding

[Parents! Get help here!]

I'll try to be brief.  Daughter has over 8 characteristics of BPD.  The current situation is this:  I keep very rigid boundaries.  All of a sudden with a new "fiancé" my daughter wants me to participate.  Next week is invitation 4.  She wants me to go with her and granddaughter dress shopping.  Her tone is getting short in text messages because Thanksgiving I went elsewhere, I was invited to her dress fitting(I had a doctor's appointment ), and she says a lunch or coffee invitation was also done since this engagement. First marriage done at courthouse on my birthday and divorce was barely two or three months before the move in and engagement.  Now next week I just can't sit in her vehicle for an hour to David's and I'm unsure if I can drive.  Worse yet she has reserved a wedding date at my church my husband and I chose for our vows. I'm overwhelmed and her controlling nature is ready to explode with me as I remain no contact this Christmas. Questions?  Advice?

[MissGreenJeans]

I'll try to be brief.  Daughter has over 8 characteristics of BPD.  The current situation is this:  I keep very rigid boundaries.  All of a sudden with a new "fiancé" my daughter wants me to participate.  Next week is invitation 4.  She wants me to go with her and granddaughter dress shopping.  Her tone is getting short in text messages because Thanksgiving I went elsewhere, I was invited to her dress fitting(I had a doctor's appointment ), and she says a lunch or coffee invitation was also done since this engagement. First marriage done at courthouse on my birthday and divorce was barely two or three months before the move in and engagement.  Now next week I just can't sit in her vehicle for an hour to David's and I'm unsure if I can drive.  Worse yet she has reserved a wedding date at my church my husband and I chose for our vows. I'm overwhelmed and her controlling nature is ready to explode with me as I remain no contact this Christmas. Questions?  Advice?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.

Let's start with the most important part- you control you.  What your daughter wants doesn't matter if it causes you stress and anxiety.  Saying "no" to everything is a perfectly acceptable path.

Second, who cares if she's getting married at your church.  It's probably annoying, sure, but she's responsible for herself and you have no control over that.  Don't let it get to you, regardless of her reasons.  Do you currently attend church there?  Or have you been an active member there for awhile?

Again, you're responsible for you.  As an adult, she's responsible for her.  The two things don't mix...you can give advice, but she's going to do whatever she wants to do and you must accept that.  Focus on you and what you can control, let her do whatever the heck she wants.

I realize that's easier said than done, but it was the most important lesson I've learned in life with a BPD daughter.  Once I stopped worrying about how much chaos she'd cause in any given day, my life became so much more simple.  I still love my kid but I'm not responsible for her, she has to live her own life.  And I can't begin to describe how much freedom that mindset gave me many years ago.

[ForeverDad]

Take a look at a post I made earlier this week.  The gist of my perspective is there are times we can't let other people make their problems (or demands, persistent requests, etc) our problems.  Perhaps other times we can.  It depends on many factors impacting each situation.  Weigh the various factors and decide accordingly.  As already mentioned, everyone involved are age-wise adults after all.