Communication with someone who refuses to communicate with you

[dtkm]

Due to events of the past, my uBPDh currently does not live with 4 (2 my kids, his stepkids and 2 our kids) of his kids and I. The kids and I live in our marital home that is owned equally by both myself and my H and my H lives about 15 minutes away in one of our rental properties. At the start of this, we agreed that he would stay the nights Monday through Thursday to help with getting the kids to school, etc when I am working and it would be good for us to slowly start back on the right track. I told him at the time, that he was welcome whenever, but that I did think that it was good for him to have his own space to go to when needed. My uBPDh is currently in weekly DV therapy and weekly DBT therapy. This plan started out working great, he was able to hold it together Monday evening to Thursday morning, at which point he would usually split on me and the 2 older kids, but it was fine because he would go back to his place and things would be ok again on the following Monday. During this time, I told him to treat the house like it was ours, which worked as he would get groceries and paid his portion of things. Then he had a major split and wouldn’t respond to me, I last minute had to scramble to get help with the kids, he cut his contribution to the household in half and could not even bare to go to our house, ringing the doorbell when he did. This state of his has continued for a bit, which rate break through of “wonderful times”. While it is kind of hell for me and the kids, we have learned to just ignore and continue on with a good life, he will reach out when his mood changes, it’s not worth it to bother him when he is not reaching out as the past proves it’s because he has split. While our communication skills were not top notch when he lived with us, they have really gone down hill and this is where I didn’t know if anyone had any suggestions. I usually start out with my usual communication (good night, I love you, hope you had a good day, etc), if he ignores me then I leave it alone and go to only communicating about the kids. But when that turns to a one way conversation, no replies from him, what do I do?  He has gotten to making his own plans and just expecting all to go with it. Ie. The kids are in winter break and I have to work today. The big kids are at home watching the little kids. He text me last night, after not responding to a single text for almost a week asking what the kids were doing while I was at work. I responded then got nothing in response. He then texts my daughter and I this morning to say he is coming over in 30 minutes and asking what they want for lunch. That’s great, but it would have been nice if he could have communicated that last night. And other times he picks our daughter up on a day that he knows a babysitter is supposed to without telling anyone. One day he will ring the doorbell to come in and the next he will just walk in the house. I feel like I never know what the next day will bring!  Any suggestions on how to communicate with someone who is refusing to communicate with you would be appreciated!

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[SuperDaddy]

Hi. I have read from your other post that he is on probation and there is a protection order on you, right? Plus, he is in domestic violence therapy.


I don't know what happened, but all of that seems quite humiliating if, from his perspective, you are the one in the wrong, not him. And usually this is how the pwBPD sees the situation.

Does it make sense to think that all of that is making him more angry and that his silence is because he is not in the mood to speak without lashing out about it? Also, would it make sense that he could be keeping a distance just to make you "pay for it"?

Living in separate houses seems like the perfect setup to avoid too much closeness, but it can be a burden on finances and household chores.

Here I'm learning how to create distance while still living together, and that's the ultimate psychological challenge, because you need to deny yourself any closeness and intimacy all day long, even though your usual source is right there in front of you.

[dtkm]

Thanks Siperdaddy. I wouldn’t be surprised if he did blame me, even though he has admitted that he was in the wrong, along with how horrible he has been to me, but I believe that the route of it all his current actions is control. Ultimately, I have the life that he wants, I live in our house with our children and for the most part, the kids and I are happy and.succeeding even when he is not here. Tonight I realized that he cares more about making me mad/things harder on me than he actually cares about the kids. The week before Christmas, it was almost 8 pm as we were leaving our 5D’s sports class. My H was in a mood and our 5D asked him to sleep over. He told her he had to do some errands the. Invited her to do the errands then said he would. Our 5D has been struggling lately and we both agreed, when he was in a good mood, that we needed to prioritize her sleep. So I asked that he bring her home relatively soon, also mentioning that she hadn’t taken a nap that day. Well he freaked out at me screaming in the parking lot. I just got in the car and the kids all started crying and ran to the car as well, my 5D refused to even talk to him. At that moment he closes the car door as he tells our 5D tell your mom to figure out how to get you home from school tomorrow cause I’m not doing it. Luckily, I know how he is and always plan back up when he is supposed to pick up the kids. But…he chose to hurt me over going to his 5D’s Christmas party and then getting to hangout with he for the day. If you really cared about your kids, wouldn’t you want to be with your D…I would!  Transition to today. I get home from work and he is still at the house. I had text him earlier something about a plan for the kids but got. no response. I mentioned to him if he got the text and if he wanted to go with us. He started to go off on me, so I walked away. I had planned to take the kids to the rec center when I got home but my H tells the kids to get ready to go, without even passing it by me. The kids say bye and go with him. I get a text from him that he is bringing the kids to his place and will bring them home between 9 and 10 pm!  They are 5 and 7!  They go to bed with me at 8:30 pm and he knows it. I was up at 4 am for work this morning. I respond saying that’s fine but can you please bring them home earlier like between 8 and 9. He responds 9-10. It’s 9:30 pm and he still isn’t here with them!  This is relation for that night. He has once again chosen to make me upset over doing what’s right for the kids. These kids did not take a nap today and should be fast asleep already, but he just wants to make me mad and “prove it’s ok if they stay up”. And all I can do is document this and mention it when he transitions back