possible point of no turning back

[Parents! Get help here!]

(this is not a sympathy bid!) I had to put (my BPD daughter's) dog, who became MY dog "to sleep" on 2/3/26 (when she moved out, I "inherited Hazel...and grew to LOVE that dog); Hazel was diagnosed with diabetes and became blind a little over 3 years ago, before pwBPD ceased contact, I received a lengthy text about the need to "put her to sleep, and not be selfish because I wanted a dog (note:  Hazel's age was unknown, at the time, maybe 9 years old and she was in otherwise great health); fast forward, 3 years of constant vet visits, insulin shots, etc. (by me) not ONE check in by pwBPD, on 2/3/26, despite being advised NOT to contact her, my husband (apologized profusely to me, however, it WAS an emergency, b/c Hazel collapsed and we think she had a seizure....I took her to an emergency vet....it was just so very awful) texted pwBPD and said "Hazel might be "put to sleep", she is with your Mom...."; I simply cannot believe this....she NEVER responded, not to him, not to check in, not to say goodbye to her dog; again, I don't pretend to understand BPD....I asked my mother, who pwBPD speaks to if, pwBPD was aware, b/c I feel it is important she knows (as it is on FB and pwBPD might see it); she knows...told my mother, she hopes she received "diligent care"; I feel that this is the point of no return; I took EXCELLENT care of MY dog...that is so hurtful; I am tearing up just typing this...this has been 8 days & I am was literally sick over it....I don't want to turn this into a memorial for my Hazel...can ANYone say, is THIS too far gone, is THIS salvageable? (yes, I talked to my therapist, but I wonder if REAL people know!) because I can empathize with cutting off PEOPLE but...your DOG? I guess I would think she would CHECK? I just don't even know where (if anywhere) to go...at this point, she has ostracized EVERYone, (her poor nieces ask about her all the time...they are young, I don't know how to explain this) except the people who treated her poorly (make sense of THAT?!)

[BPDstinks]

(this is not a sympathy bid!) I had to put (my BPD daughter's) dog, who became MY dog "to sleep" on 2/3/26 (when she moved out, I "inherited Hazel...and grew to LOVE that dog); Hazel was diagnosed with diabetes and became blind a little over 3 years ago, before pwBPD ceased contact, I received a lengthy text about the need to "put her to sleep, and not be selfish because I wanted a dog (note:  Hazel's age was unknown, at the time, maybe 9 years old and she was in otherwise great health); fast forward, 3 years of constant vet visits, insulin shots, etc. (by me) not ONE check in by pwBPD, on 2/3/26, despite being advised NOT to contact her, my husband (apologized profusely to me, however, it WAS an emergency, b/c Hazel collapsed and we think she had a seizure....I took her to an emergency vet....it was just so very awful) texted pwBPD and said "Hazel might be "put to sleep", she is with your Mom...."; I simply cannot believe this....she NEVER responded, not to him, not to check in, not to say goodbye to her dog; again, I don't pretend to understand BPD....I asked my mother, who pwBPD speaks to if, pwBPD was aware, b/c I feel it is important she knows (as it is on FB and pwBPD might see it); she knows...told my mother, she hopes she received "diligent care"; I feel that this is the point of no return; I took EXCELLENT care of MY dog...that is so hurtful; I am tearing up just typing this...this has been 8 days & I am was literally sick over it....I don't want to turn this into a memorial for my Hazel...can ANYone say, is THIS too far gone, is THIS salvageable? (yes, I talked to my therapist, but I wonder if REAL people know!) because I can empathize with cutting off PEOPLE but...your DOG? I guess I would think she would CHECK? I just don't even know where (if anywhere) to go...at this point, she has ostracized EVERYone, (her poor nieces ask about her all the time...they are young, I don't know how to explain this) except the people who treated her poorly (make sense of THAT?!)

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

I'm so sorry your dog passed away.  It's perfectly normal to grieve, and its unfortunate that your daughter doesn't want to grieve with you. 

Just because she doesn't call doesn't mean that she didn't care about the dog though.

[BPDstinks]

Thank you....I know that is true....I just feel the natural "reaction" would be to respond; my husband gave her plenty of time (in self-analyzing...(I, admittedly minus BPD) would welcome the chance to (my other daughter Face Timed and said GOOD bye) try to say goodbye....something/anything

[ForeverDad]

You did what you could.  No one should fault you for that.

Closure may have to be something you Gift to yourself since you know you the mental gymnastics game a person with BPD traits (pwBPD) can too often twist or guilt about.

[Pook075]

Thank you....I know that is true....I just feel the natural "reaction" would be to respond; my husband gave her plenty of time (in self-analyzing...(I, admittedly minus BPD) would welcome the chance to (my other daughter Face Timed and said GOOD bye) try to say goodbye....something/anything

Maybe, just remember that "natural" for you doesn't mean "natural" for someone with BPD.  Your daughter carries her own mental scars and what she feels is best for her will be exactly what she does.

I think the big picture here is not to take it personally.  We can't predict what mental health will lead someone to do and for that reason, we shouldn't try to carry it as our burden either.  When your kid is ready, she will reach out and there will be a chance to heal the relationship. 

It has to be on her timelines though because, once again, she's mentally ill and not seeing everything objectively.

[BPDstinks]

I thank you, for the advice!  My best friend calls it a "vampire" and says don't let "anyone" suck the joy out of you; I guess I just wait for ANY loop hole where pwBPD would reach out and than, I am, again, disappointed!  So....seeing as I thought, THIS would be it, I think I am mentally prepared that ANYthing will be unlikely....I shall continue to send a bday card, etc. however, am ceasing with the texts, IF pwBPD wants to come around, I shall have an open arm

[js friend]

Hi Bpdstinks,

First of all Iam sorry for your loss. 

I think that your did the right thing to let your dd know about the death of your dog as anyone  would but I also think that your udd actually made her feelings known years before when you received a text to say that you should put her dog down. My udd likes to have control and my guess is that because you didnt carry out her wishes at the time she distanced herself from everything concerning Hazels care and now also with her death. I dont think that this may be the only reason that your dd has distanced herself Btw so please dont blame yourself.

I think that it is important now and to focus on yourself and all the positives you have in life.

[BPDstinks]

hmmm....I guess I never thought of it THAT way....and I like the "think" of the positives....I really try to....pwBPD just WEIGHS my brain down....Friday night I received a frantic text from my mother that pwBWD's insurance portion was cancelled (she turned 26) (I thought it was 27 years old): I do not even know where pwBPD lives! My mother was very negative in her comments, implying I should have known; well...pwBPD would have received the mail! I, sometimes, pause, when I was 26 years old, I handled these things...however, again, I did not have BPD....well...I sorted it all out, via many texts with my mother; but....all I could think of...if pwBPD had reached out ONE time...it could have very easily been resolved....I just do not know a way out of this void

[Mutt]

I think what hurts most isn’t even just the lack of response. It’s that I keep thinking, “maybe THIS will be the moment she reaches out.” And when it isn’t, it feels like another small loss. Maybe I need to grieve that hope, too.

[BPDstinks]

yes!  it is the constant HOPE and waiting!  I have a therapist who specializes in parents of children/adult children with BPD & RATIONALLY I "hear" what "therapist" is saying...it just so hurtful that it is 8 texts through my mother....and my poor dog....my husband deliberately sent the text....Mom is with Hazel, thinking she would reach out (I really thought I would lose it, with my poor girl (dog)....who was never even MY dog)....what a mess     thanks for understanding!

[Sancho]

Hi BPDstinks
Yes the hope keeps rising up doesn't it? I have been thinking about this and observing myself and my thoughts in relation to my BPD DD. I think that one result of the BPD rollercoaster ride is that I can't hold on to the concept that my BPD's brain is not functioning normally.

I find that if I don't see her for a few days, I am thinking of all the possible things that might help, what I could/should do, what if I  . . .

Take yesterday - I pick her up and we are having quite a pleasant, normal conversation - not really normal because I am watching what I say. Then all of a sudden something triggers anger etc and I pull back into my realisation that interaction can't be casual or 'normal' if I want to avoid emotional explosions.

I think Pook075 understands and is able to hold on to thinking in this way - ie our expectations don't 'fit' the way a BPD person functions.

Thank you for posting - it makes me think about how I am functioning in this crazy world of BPD.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi there,

I'm sorry you lost a beloved pet and that your daughter refused to acknowledge it in the moment.  My sense is that she "lost" the dog when she abandoned it, and she probably didn't want to be reminded of that, nor betray any rekindled sadness or guilty feelings.  A typical BPD response to overwhelming emotions is complete avoidance.  That's my take.  Another possibility is that your daughter didn't love caring for pets, with all the feedings, walking multiple times a day, picking up feces, the hair shedding everywhere, the extra vacuuming, the slobber, the barking, the urinary mishaps, the stink, the ticks, the barfing whenever the dog eats people food, the hole digging, not to mention the added expense.  Maybe your daughter was relieved to abdicate her responsibility for pet chores?

But then in your posts I see some desperation that goes beyond the passing of a beloved pet.  Your title is includes "point of no turning back."  My general mindset with BPD is that very few things last forever, because emotions tend to be volatile.  Just because your daughter isn't communicating with you right now doesn't necessarily mean it's forever.  Besides, you can keep tabs on her through your mother.  That's something, much better than knowing absolutely nothing about her welfare.  You know you will be notified about anything important.  That would be reassuring in my opinion.

The other act of "desperation" I see is regarding the insurance coverage.  It seems to me that you and your mom are probably 100x more upset about the termination of the old policy than your daughter.  Maybe your daughter already got her own insurance plan.  Or maybe she's clueless about insurance because she's always had other adults arrange it for her as well as pay for it.  But she's 26 now, it's high time that she take responsibility for her insurance, not you, not your mom.  She's not a baby anymore.  So the "frantic text" seems over-the-top to me, given that you and her grandma are panicking about insurance coverage and your daughter isn't even involved in the conversation.  My advice would be to stay out of it and not meddle, especially if your daughter didn't ask you to.  Your daughter might think you're meddling, and she might perceive that you think she's clueless and incompetent.  She may actually be clueless and incompetent, but I think you shouldn't do anything to betray that belief, because it would be insulting to her.  Granted, when my BPD stepdaughter was turning 26, I did give her a heads up that she would have to purchase her own policy going forward, as she was not eligible to be covered on parental plans anymore.  I referred her to the state's website and said I was confident she'd be able to sign up herself.  And that was the last I mentioned it.  No frantic texts, worries, hand-wringing or back and forth, just facts and basic information, following the BIFF formula (Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm). 

[BPDstinks]

Sancho!  I very well remember the "what SHOULD I say, what should I avoid saying...that ball of fear and dread in my stomach and the knowledge that any minute the mood could change....I could FEEL it! I am sorry you go through this! 

CC43!  Thank you for breaking that down!  Desperation is a perfect way to put it....I just did not realize her request for "a break" would be 3 years!  I very much agree, 26 is "high" time to figure it out, the main reason ANY of this "desperation" occurs, is I remember the constant suicide attempts and always worry I am going to be the "straw that breaks the camels' back" (than I rationally think, I am not the only parent....though, my husband (her father) is just so sad and in denial about the whole situation and thinks she is just in a bad mood (for 3 years) I am going to just keep on keeping on & go with the premise when or if she is ready, that is the way it shall be!

I hope all is as okay is it can be with both of you and thank you for reaching out!