so tired of the split

[Karmakat23]

My 35yr old has BPD, I think. She had my grandson 3 years ago. I was her person,helped her and took care of him. Than i wasn't. She split my family, no showed at Christmas and two days later slapped me with a restraining order claiming domestic violence.  She spent the next 9 months filing fraudulent restraining orders against me a d my husband to obtain housing vouchers. All of the restraining orders were thrown out. I have not seen her or my grandson for almost two years now. I'm heart broken, and struggling in ways I never thought possible. I did not mention the long 20 year history of suicide attempts,  rescuing her from different states which all came with some dramatic story. This last time was it for me, mentally I can't do it anymore.  Than my mother, my daughters enabler told me today that she planned to have my daughter around again and I would have to accept it. I feel like I will have to grieve my mother and move on because the wreckage is just to much. Not sure what to do but I like I'm going 10 steps back.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Karmakat23
Thank you for posting. I am going through a very rough patch myself at the moment and your post reminded me that there are others who are in a similar situation – exhausted from years of crises and supporting, ‘being there’ when no one else was – and then being the one who is blamed and lied about while all this support is taken for granted.

Perhaps you are not gong 10 steps back. Perhaps it’s a fork in the road. Someone with BPD has a fragile sense of self – but when you are the person who supports them, you tend to lose your own self in their needs and crises. Along the journey we are given many options, and I know that I have tended to always choose to support my BPD child, and especially when the next generation child comes on the scene.

You are not in a situation of options from what I read. Your DD has cut off contact, has denied you access to your grandchild. Now your mother says you ‘have to accept’ her decision in relation to your DD.

We feel so devastated and devalued when all this happens. It is hard to carry the pain of it all. But it is also an opportunity. I may be wrong but I feel my DD has, in the past, been somewhat empowered by my pain – a pain she has caused. When I realised this I taught myself to stop myself from falling into depression etc but to see it as an opportunity to nurture and find myself that had been submerged in responding to my DD’s needs.

I am not expressing myself very well. I think what I am trying to say is that you have given now for decades – you have been selfless and loving, and without any gratitude or recognition.

I feel like I will have to grieve my mother and move on because the wreckage is just to much.

I think yes, listen to  your feelings and your insight. You have the right to grieve, but you also have the right to acknowledge to yourself all that you have done. Sometimes it is a good idea to write all these things down and read them to yourself when you are feeling low. It is a way of remembering that you have done all that is possible to do and you have loved your child in every way possible.

If you can spend a short time each day just appreciating yourself and the gift of your life I think it is helpful.

Thanks again for posting.